HARD KNOX(49)

From there on out it was up to Ana to schedule appointments and monitor her body. Her morning sickness was actually an after-lunch-sickness, which was common. There was nothing to do but ride it out. I hated seeing Ana get sick and she would get so embarrassed throwing up in front of me, but I didn’t give a f*ck. I sat on the edge of the tub and rubbed her back. I held her hair back and cleaned everything up when she was done. Her body couldn’t help it. It was all the racing changes being made so she could carry life. The life we created.

The lady left the room and I went and locked the door.

Ana inched up and grinned at me. “Is this because my pants are off? Or because another woman was touching me down there?”

I laughed. “Now that you mention it…”

I approached the table and then sat in the chair the lady had been on. I pointed to the screen which was frozen with a picture of the bean.

“That’s our baby, darlin’,” I said.

“Yes it is, Knox.”

“Our bean.”

“Our bean,” she repeated.

I had a lot running through my mind. Timing was never a strong suit of mine and I knew talking right then wasn’t the smartest thing in the world. But I couldn’t help myself.

I put a hand to Ana’s leg. “Do you want to get dressed first?”

“First… for…?”

“What we need to talk about.”

She sat up even more. “Knox…”

“I know. Timing.”

“Fuck timing,” Ana said. “I need to know what’s going on. I’m not stupid, Knox. I know this has to do with your father’s death. I can feel it lingering around you. I’ve been around this life long enough…”

I cut her off with another kiss.

For some reason it never really struck me that we had been together for so long. Yeah, maybe not f*cking-like-rabbits-getting-pregnant-then-getting-engaged, but our lives had been twisted up pretty damn tight since we were teenagers. Since the second she climbed out of that yellow moving truck and looked at me.

So I had to tell her right then. I had to give it to her straight.

I had to tell her my plan… and tell her that our little family may not make it.





thirty



(ana)



THEN



She was a shell of the woman I had grown to hate. And that was a terrible word to use as I stood there and looked down at my dying mother. The cancer had won a long time ago, but now it was about to completely finish the battle for good. The doctors warned me she didn’t have much time. That was pretty obvious when she was put in the hospital two months prior for a last chance hope at some kind of treatment. But it was too far.

It had always been too far.

The way it had fallen apart between me and my mother was tragic, kind of like her cancer. I wondered if I had been there earlier I could have convinced her to get checked sooner and all of this sickness would have been avoided.

Not like it mattered much in that moment.

Her eyes were shut for the first few minutes so I just sat there and thought about everything. I thought about when the truth came out that my mother had been sleeping with Knox’s father. The hell that it caused between the two houses was so bad. Knox’s mother left and never came back. Then Knox started to slip away, deeming into the arms of the Reaper’s Bastards. He would still stop by every now and again, but not like he used to. Then things got physical between my mother and me. I was able to take it a few times but then I swung back, just once, and that was it.

I couldn’t believe I had hit my own mother. That was when I left. I struggled to find my own place and I secretly hoped Knox would come find me. Come get me and save me. Maybe I’d never have the fantasy life I dreamed of, but I would at least have Knox.

That never happened though. A week became a month. A month became a year. The only call I got was about my mother being sick. And it was from her doctors. She didn’t even want me to know.

The first time I saw her she looked okay. We never talked about what happened. I thought about bringing it up many times but each time I saw her she was sicker and sicker.

I started to cry, something I said I wouldn’t do in front of her.

I cried for everything.

How one day I woke up and my life was forever changed. My stuff loaded into a moving truck. Then climbing out of that moving truck and seeing Knox. The storm may have calmed but it was still raging.

The machines around my mother kept beeping. I had no idea what wires and tubes did what for her, if anything. At this point I was pretty sure it was all about pain management. The doctors wanted her to go comfortably. My mother hadn’t been comfortable in a long time.

I hated watching it. I hated crying over it. I hated that she was going to die.

I couldn’t control any of it. That was the worst part. I couldn’t control her health. I couldn’t control what Knox was doing, wherever he was and whatever he was doing. Each day I woke up and expected to see a headline of Knox getting arrested or killed. I tried to keep up with what I could about the Reaper’s Bastards but it was next to impossible.

Letting out a shaky breath, I reached forward and took my mother’s hand. I had to say goodbye to her for the last time.

To my surprise, she turned her head and opened her eyes. She looked right at me. For a quick second she seemed full of life and hope.