Futures and Frosting (Chocolate Lovers #2)(46)

Oh dear God. Here we go.

“I’m almost afraid to ask what else they said about him. He’s lucky he’s cute or I would have put him out on the curb with the garbage years ago,” I tell her as we shared a laugh.

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!” Gavin shouts.

I quickly reach over and cover his mouth with my hand.

I should have packed duct tape and a taser.

“If you can believe it, I’ve actually been asked by several customers if they could take him home. If only they knew. A marine sergeant stopped in a few days ago on his way to work and joked that he should take Gavin with him to basic training. He figured Gavin could get the men to cry faster than he ever could,” I tell her.

She types with a small smile on her face, and I wonder if this will be my first and last magazine interview ever.

“As you know, we do a little research on the people we’re going to interview. Being from a small town, it’s no secret that you got pregnant and had to drop out of college. It’s a huge struggle to be a single mother. What advice do you have for other women who might be going through the same thing?” Lisa asks as she bends her head and goes back to clacking away at her keyboard.

Lovely. I bang a guy at a frat party, get knocked up, and have to work at a bar to make ends meet. The only other option available to me at the time had been pregnant stripping. Is this really something the people of “The Best of Baking” want to know? They seem like a conservative group - ones who talk about petit fours and balsamic reductions, not beer pong and vagina pounding.

“Um, yeah. I’m definitely not the best person to come to for advice in that area,” I tell her honestly. “I did everything wrong. Luckily, Gavin’s father is an amazing man and we were able to find our way back to one another. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

Shit! Can I retract that statement?! That sounds entirely too much like saying I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Which I do. But he can’t know that. He’ll freak out like a guy. Which he is. When he reads this, his mind is immediately going to go to marriage and he’ll probably start screaming. CHANGE THE SUBJECT, CLAIRE!

“Also, I like to watch a lot of porn.”

NO, NO, NO! ABORT MISSION! What the f*ck am I supposed to be talking about? Oh, right. Advice.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth or he’ll bite the hand that feeds you.”

Oh sweet Jesus I just became my mother.

Lisa doesn’t show any signs of thinking she's talking to a lunatic. She just keeps on typing. It's starting to freak me out.

Is she seriously typing every single thing I say? I suddenly have the urge to scream the words “ANAL WARTS” just to see if she keeps right on clicking away without batting an eye.

I want to ask her if she heard me say I was addicted to porn. Maybe the noise of kids playing around us or Gavin’s loud huffing and sighing block out what I said. Obviously, I can’t bring it up and ask if she heard me because if she hasn't, she’ll want me to repeat it. And knowing me, I will repeat it to be polite and that will just f*ck up this entire freak out I'm currently having.

I am hereby restricting the word “porn” from my vocabulary. It’s getting me into too much trouble.

Lisa stops typing and gives me the universal one-finger, hold on a minute sign as she answers her ringing cell phone.

“Son of a bitch,” I mutter.

“You said a bad word,” Gavin informs me.

“I’m allowed. I’m an adult.”

“I wanna be a dolt!” he says excitedly.

A few minutes later, Lisa ends her call and turns her attention to Gavin.

“How about I ask you some questions now? Would that be okay?”

“Sure,” he says with a shrug.

“Do you have a nickname? Can I call you Gav?” Lisa asks.

“Can I punch you in the face?” he asks.

“Gavin!” I scold.

“What’s your favorite color?” Lisa asks, both of them ignoring me.

“I like green. Green is green. I fart green.”

Oh wonderful. This is turning out to be a stellar interview.

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Skabetti and meat balls. Balls are delicious!” Gavin exclaims.

Lisa and I both share a snicker over that one.

“If Phineas and Ferb and Spongebob got into a fight, who would win?” Lisa questions.

Gavin thinks about this for a minute before answering.

“Spongebob ‘cuz he’s a big tough man. Phineas and Ferb are dumber than his wee-wee.”

I roll my eyes and shake my head. This interview has officially gone in the shitter.

“What is your favorite holiday?”

“Fart.”

“Gavin,” I warn.

“What’s your favorite animal?”

“Sheep, ‘cuz they’re stupid,” Gavin answers with a laugh.

“What’s your favorite smell?”

Oh that’s a super question to ask a four-year-old who just said his favorite holiday is passing gas.

“Smelly cat. And feet,” Gavin says with a giggle.

“What’s your favorite song?” Lisa continues.