First Debt (Indebted #2)(73)

Fuck, stop thinking about that.

I was hard enough to kill someone with the weapon in my trousers; I didn't want to come before I’d even filled her.

Her hands landed on my belt buckle. I blinked as she magically undid both my belt and jeans. With feisty hands, she shoved them, along with my boxer-briefs, down my thighs.

I groaned as her fingers latched around my cock.

The fire she conjured in me was too f*cking strong. My psyche did what it had been trained to do and retreated instantly, protecting itself, hiding the truth.

I went frigid.

Nila paused, panting. “What—what’s wrong?”

Everything.

“Nothing.” I pulled back, sitting up and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

This is so bloody dangerous. You have to stop it.

I sucked in a breath as Nila’s graceful arms wrapped around my neck, pressing her now naked breasts against my back. The swell of soft flesh and pinpricks of hard nipples almost undid me.

I curled my hands, drawing blood as I bit hard on my lower lip. “Let me go.”

“No.”

A small flare of anger shot through my blood. “Christ, woman.”

“Nila. My name is Nila.” She pressed a kiss on my shoulder. “Try it…it won’t kill you.”

You’re wrong. You’re already killing me.

“Jethro—if you’re pulling away, then you should know if you walk out that door and leave me for days on end…we’re done.”

The very word implying I would never be allowed back inside her welcoming body was blasphemy. My anger increased, thickening my blood. “You’re forgetting that you’re mine to do with as I see fit.”

“I’m yours to torment, I agree. But somehow I think your father wouldn’t be pleased with us doing this.” Her lips grazed my shoulders again. “You can’t lie about that. That’s why you told me to keep it a secret.”

I slumped forward, trying to dislodge her hold.

Silence fell awkwardly between us. I battled with doing the right thing by leaving and the wrong thing by spinning around and thrusting my aching cock inside her.

Nila murmured against my skin. “Sex is meant to strip us back. It’s meant to show the truth of what we keep hidden. Don’t be afraid of something that could ultimately save you.”

My heart froze at the thought of revealing my innermost secrets.

I laughed coldly. “I don’t want saving, Ms. Weaver. And sex is the opposite. It’s a projection of nothing more than animalistic need.”

“You don’t believe that. Not what we have.”

“What we have is so far out of my comfort range, I’m hanging on by a f*cking thread.”

What. The. Fuck?

I snapped my lips closed at the awful confession.

Nila stiffened, her heartbeat tapping against my back. “See, you can be honest when you don’t censor yourself.”

I sighed. “You want honesty? Fine. I’m used to living my life with an iron fist of control. You undermine that control. I can’t let that happen. I don’t handle things well when I’m not…”

“Cold.”

I nodded. “I’ll admit that you’ve gotten under my skin in a way I didn’t think was possible. I’m feeling things I’ve never—” I cut myself off. What the hell was I saying? I sounded like a f*cking *. “I won’t deny, now that I’ve had you, that I want you again and again and f*ck, I doubt I’ll ever want to stop, but it has to stop.”

It has to stop before I do something worse.

Nila pulled away, moving to sit beside me. “Something this good shouldn’t have to end, Jethro. Screw family. Screw the debts. We want each other. Let’s just give in to that and forget about tomorrow.”

If only it was that easy. If only we had unlimited tomorrows.

But we don’t.

“What—what do you want from me, Jethro? You’ve taken everything—either by force or by allowing me small glimpses of who you are. What are you so afraid of?” Her voice lowered to a curse. “What do you want?”

I want…I want…

Fuck, I don’t know what I want.

My body ached with frustration, confusion, and need. How did this go from sex to revelations?

Everything I’d ever wanted in my life had turned me into this…mess.

Everything I’d ever let myself crave was used against me and taught me to hate rather than love.

It was easier to run from compassion and empathy when they were the very things that had the power to steal everything I’d worked so hard for.

I would continue to f*ck Nila, because I was done depriving myself of everything good. But I wouldn’t let her get inside my head, and I definitely wouldn’t let her climb inside my heart.

Bracing myself, I snapped, “I want you to understand that you will never know me. You’ll never have any power over me, nor will you have any hold on my loyalties. No matter what goes on between us, I will never release you, never take your side against my family, never bow to any demands you make. Nothing has changed in that respect.”

Breathing hard, I finished, “If you can handle that, then I’ll f*ck you and grant us both some happiness. But if you can’t, then I’m walking out that door and won’t be back until it’s time for the Second Debt.”