Finding Kyle(68)

I took off before the sun was up the next morning and was parking my rental car a few blocks away from the coffee house where her parents said she worked by ten-thirty. I didn’t approach her though, as I knew we’d need privacy to talk. So I just waited it out, watched her walk home from work, and made my move.

She stands before me, looking as confused as I am terrified, and more beautiful than I could have ever remembered. Doesn’t matter she’s wearing some funky-looking leggings that are electric blue with big, yellow saxophones over them or a threadbare New England Patriots t-shirt. She is simply the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever known, and there is no other for me. There was a time I didn’t believe I deserved her, but I’m tired of that way of thinking. Tired of living my life without happiness, hope, and ambition for my future.

“Will you give me some time?” I ask her softly. “Just to talk.”

My heart skips a mad beat when I see her actually stiffen up at my suggestion, but then, just as quickly, she lets out a long breath. I’m not surprised when she looks to Miranda. I can see the questions written all over her face as she silently communicates with her best friend.

Should I listen?

Will he hurt me?

Is this even real?

Why should I trust him?

Miranda gives her an encouraging smile before she says, “Listen… I’m going to head into work a bit early and grab a bite to eat there. Let you two have some privacy.”

Jane and I both watch in silent acceptance as Miranda grabs her coat from a hook by the door and scampers out, leaving us very much alone and facing off from opposite corners.

With an awkward gesture toward the couch, Jane says, “Do you want to sit down?”

It’s a legitimate offer considering this will be a very serious discussion that could take a while, but I don’t think I can even wait the few seconds it would take us both to get situated. So instead, I walk right up to her, putting my hands on her shoulders and tipping my face down to hers, so she’s looking me dead in the eye. “I am so sorry for deceiving you, leading you on, and taking advantage of you. I should have told you the truth from the very beginning.”

To my surprise, Jane shakes her head. “No, Miranda’s right. You had to keep those secrets. You were in hiding and didn’t know me well enough to trust me with that.”

My grip tightens on her shoulders slightly, not because I’m afraid she’ll pull away but because I want her to understand how serious I am about this. “But I did know you, Jane. From the first moment you left me your horrible muffins on my doorstep, I knew exactly who you were. I knew you were sweet, and kind, and persistent. You kept after what you wanted, and I’m just hoping you’ll remember… there was a time you wanted me. A time you wouldn’t give up.”

“Kyle,” she says on a shaky breath as her eyes soften.

“But first,” I say cautiously, because this is really where I’m putting everything on the line. “I have to tell you everything about me.”

Jane’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I have to tell you some bad stuff about me,” I tell her. The one thing I know for sure is that I can’t hold anything back with Jane from now on.

She gives me a tiny smile as if she knows something I don’t. “Oh, I know about you being undercover. You had to play the part to get into the motorcycle club. Agent Kizner told me all about it.”

“No, Jane,” I say a roughly. “It wasn’t a part. It wasn’t an act. I did despicable things of my own free will.”

“I’m sure—” she starts to say, but I just can’t have her taking my goodness at face value. For her to accept I’m good, she has to understand the depths from which I’ve climbed back up.

“The first bad thing I did,” I tell her without any preamble, “was sell heroin to a pregnant woman. No clue how many months, but she was huge. Probably close to giving birth.”

Jane’s eyes go round, and she blinks at me in astonishment.

“But that wasn’t enough to develop the type of trust I needed to get into the club,” I continue before she can stop me. “That night I woke up beside you… bad dream and all, it was about this man I beat nearly to death. In fact, I might have killed him. I’m not sure. But I did it while his wife and little boy watched.”

Jane makes a small sound of distress. I hold onto her tighter, so she won’t run away until I can make sure she understands I had absolutely no boundaries I wouldn’t cross to get my job done. My voice cracks when I tell her the most brutal truth of all. “Jane… I would have done anything that I was told to do by that club. Think of the vilest thing you can imagine, and I’m telling you, baby… I did it. I did it all.”

Jane doesn’t respond for a moment, still staring at me with owl-like eyes and just blinking. I look at her, trying to read into her expression, wondering if she’s so disgusted she literally can’t say anything.

Then she surprises me when she puts her palms to my cheeks and says, “You did a job to save people. I don’t need to know the details, but if you want to unburden yourself, I’ll gladly take them. But all I really need to know, Kyle, is that you did something for the greater good. You did something that you believed in with such passion that you gave up your entire life to see it through. Now, you may be mired in guilt and maybe you’re feeling the need for penance or something, but you’re not going to get that from me. Just like you said you know who I am… well, I know who you are too. You are a good man. You’re the best kind of man, really.”