Fantasy of Fire (The Tainted Accords #3)(42)

I jerk at his vehemence. He thinks I’ve given up? That I’ve let go of my hopes and dreams? It’s true they’re not in my every thought. Just as finding Kedrick’s killer is no longer in my every thought. It doesn’t mean I feel the urgency of either any less.

I’ve learned there’s more to life than revenge. I’ve also learned that when you don’t take in the bigger picture, you make mistakes. I want to twist the head from the assassin’s body, slowly. I want to hear the murderer’s screams. I want to rule Osolis on my terms. I want to heal my people, fix my world, and rule with fairness.

I want these things so badly.

But am I going to ignore a civil war to rush headlong into something I’ll later regret? Am I going to sacrifice my own happiness to achieve these things?

Not if I can help it.

“I understand what this means to you,” he continues. “Wearing the veil is a terrible thing, and I wish with every part of my being there could be another way. But do you not see what it will mean for our people? Your people? They need you to be Tatum, and to be Tatum you must wear the veil. They cannot know you have blue eyes. You cannot show these…” he searches for the right word and hisses it. “Foreigners your face.”

The door swings open behind me. I don’t bother turning; only Jovan steps that lightly. The air between me and my brother is tense. How can I remind him of his position while signaling my appreciation for his opinion?

“Were it up to you,” I begin, emphasizing the first word, “what would you have me do?”

“Stop this foolishness. Limit the amount of people who know to those who already know. Keep your difference a secret. Return to Osolis immediately.” He scowls at King Jovan. “And take your rightful place as Tatum. The veil must remain. It is an upsetting sacrifice on your behalf—”

Jovan breaks his silence. “Upsetting!” I groan and glance over my shoulder, silently begging him to stay quiet. He glares at me and crosses his arms, straightening to his full height.

“I agree with you, in part," I say. "But I also believe one principal can be applied to most problems, and that is, we should learn from the past. Mother based her life on secrets, and now that a single foundation has weakened, she’s in danger of the whole building crashing down around her. Not only that, but her fear of discovery has leeched Osolis dry—no matter what her initial intentions were. Would you advise me to follow her down this path?”

I approach Olandon, being careful not to touch him. “There’s much I’m still trying to figure out, but I know if I'm unhappy, Osolis will eventually be unhappy too.” Jovan’s words from last night ring in my mind. “The two are tied. They are for any ruler.” I wonder what Jovan thinks of that. “I can’t be happy with the veil on. I've tasted life without it, and if I can find any way live with it off, I will.”

Olandon’s eyes harden. “Mother was right. You will destroy Osolis,” he says in a bitter voice. My shoulders slump as he pushes past me.

“Sorry you had to hear that,” I say in small voice. I face Jovan with a tired smile.

“It’s hard for him,” I explain. And it is. More than I’d previously thought. I talk of the Tatum’s world crumbling to the ground, but in Olandon’s mind, my actions are tearing at the unstable holds he’s clinging to. He probably feels like he’s still on the Oscala.

“They are assembled in the meeting room,” Jovan says in a stiff voice. He’s mad. Scary mad. My face falls.

“Okay, okay. Right,” I croak. I search for the veil, flustered. Where did I put it? Jovan bends and holds the material out to me, along with the band.

“T-thanks,” I stutter and grab the veil with trembling hands. He places a kiss on the palm of both my hands once the veil is in place.

“You’re making the right choice. The boy is young. He doesn’t understand the sacrifice he's asking of you.”

“He’s only a year younger, maybe two. I don’t really know,” I babble. I believed my mother lied about my age to distance herself from the peace delegation, but I had no proof.

Jovan shakes his head. “You know what I mean. You should be that young, but you aren’t. Circumstances changed you. You can do this. I’ll be there with you the whole time.”

My body is full of nervous tension. I feel like I could fight twenty people all at once. Then do it all over again. My eyes adjust to the new darkness and I make out the king’s frame.

Jovan will be there. I won’t be alone. “Let’s go.”

If anyone could have distracted me on the walk to the meeting room, it would’ve been Jovan. But though I hear his voice, and know he’s talking, I can’t focus on anything he’s saying. Instead, I go through the list of people in the room; Malir, Sadra, Rhone, Adnan, Sanjay, Roman, Fiona, Shard, Avalanche, Blizzard, Ice, Alzona, Crystal, and Jacquiline. Hopefully, seeing my face might make Jacky realize what I did wasn’t personal, or disloyal. I could regain a friend today. I trusted each of these people, in differing ways. But doubts run rampant in my mind. What if Alzona decided to sell the information for gold? What if Sanjay got drunk and said too much? What if they couldn’t get over their disgust of my mixed blood? At least Crystal would understand. But then she’d know I took advantage of her to escape Jovan last sector.