Destroyed(141)

I sucked in a breath. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. But, Roan. Hold your son. You have to do it eventually. He can’t grow up with a father who won’t touch him.” She looked pointedly at the sleeping boy. “You’re the one who committed to this. So do it.”

I didn’t want to do any of this. I wanted the twins back inside Zel where they could be safe forever.

“Fucking hell,” I muttered.

“I heard that,” she snapped. “Watch what you say around them. You don’t want their first word to be a curse. And watch your emotions around them, too. You don’t want them to feed off your anger or frustration.”

I whirled to face her. “Then why the hell do you want me to pick him up! Aren’t I safer over here?” I stalked to the other side of the room, breathing hard. I hated the way my muscles wanted to obey and pick up the delicate bundle of baby, but I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have the strength.

I’ll kill him.

I’d be responsible for yet another death. Another murder of a life called Vasily. I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Do. It.

Zel huffed, looking like a queen in her blue nightgown. “Don’t make me command you again. Don’t think I won’t do it. You know you’ll have no choice and you need to make this your choice, Roan.” Zel’s face softened. “I trust you; otherwise I wouldn’t tell you to do it. As much as I love you, I wouldn’t let you near Vasily and Vera if I thought you’d hurt them.”

My heart swelled, and I almost fell to my f*cking knees. It never got old hearing that she loved me. She—this perfect woman who put up with all my f*cking bullshit. I also loved the way she said their names. It was like conjuring the family I barely remembered. Making me whole for the first time in my life.

Ah, f*ck. She was right.

I had to do it. I had to face my fear and win.

Clenching my jaw, I moved back toward the basinets and bent over the tiny newborns.

With my heart in my throat, I placed shaking hands around the thick blue blanket and scooped up the lightest human being I’d ever held.

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

The conditioning crescendod through me with the power of a wrecking ball.

No!

My muscles locked down as I stood shaking and terrified. My jaw ached, battling the conditioning, forcing myself to hold on.

He was so light and tiny. So fragile. It was utterly dangerous for me to be anywhere near him.

Keeping him far away from me, I looked into his screwed up, frankly ugly, little face. The blue hat made him look like a shrivelled up old man.

You’re mine.

He’s mine.

The bond that exploded through my heart almost beat back the conditioning.

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

“Support him against you.” Zel laughed quietly. “He’ll feel unprotected at arm’s length like that.”

What was this woman trying to do to me? Fuck this was hard. Turning to face her, I demanded, “You have him. I can’t do it.”

She pursed her lips. “You’re holding him. You can do this.”

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

My head shook wildly. “No. I can't. It’s back. It’s worse. I don’t—I can’t—”

Zel didn’t say a word, but her eyes gave me the final order.

Cuddle him.

How the hell could a machine like me cuddle an infant? Cursing my past and everything in my head, I slowly brought Vasily against my body and pressed him into the crook of my arm.

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

The second his weightless form and barely there warmth hit my body, my world ended.

Wolves howled.

Guns fired.

Swords clashed.

A vortex consumed me, ripping me into shreds, tearing my brain apart. I hurled down and down into dark recesses of my mind, careening me from hospital room to the last clear memory of my childhood.

“Don’t go too far, Roan. Dinner isn’t far away, and your father will be home soon.” I smiled at my perfect mother. Reaching up to play with her red curls, I nodded. “I promise.”

I broke that f*cking promise and brought the apocalypse on my entire family.

Trees creaked.

The moon shone silver.

My teeth ached as I fought, f*cking fought, the conditioning

Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.

I’d never be free. I had to die. I had to kill myself.

“Roan! Roan!”

With my free hand, I clutched my skull as clanking bells echoed in my ears.

Louder and louder.

Bells and chimes and trumpets.

Every brainwash, every bar and chain I’d been trapped in started unravelling.

Faster and faster, padlock after padlock.

Every inch of my past and torture ceased to exist. Every switch and order that made me the obedient machine I was disintegrated.

Wind whistled.

Ice prickled.

Freedom fell like rain.

Every shackle and programed obedience slithered out of my brain, thudding at my feet with the sounds of clunking iron. Standing still, barely breathing in case it was all a dream, I burst into life as everything filthy and tainted in my mind erupted into flames and dissolved into ash.

Sun shone.

Butterflies flew.

Laughter filled my ears.