Destroyed(136)

My hand cupped his cheek. His entire body quaked and his forehead furrowed with deep tracks. Our hearts thudded so hard the bed trembled with every pulse, completely out of rhythm, racing to a crazy beat.

Not wanting to push him any further, I dropped my touch. He’d been through enough. He’d done better than I’d ever hoped.

We’d had full contact naked sex and although he’d suffered like crazy, he hadn’t once frightened me.

“You didn't bruise me and you’re not a bastard. You took care of me, Roan. You protected me by battling through whatever you deal with.” I smiled softly. “And that’s why I trust you.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still had no control. I still took you harder than I wanted.”

The sun had dropped from bright to twilight, sending the room into peaceful shadows. Roan rolled off me and sprawled on the tangled sheets.

Every part of me ached, but it was a good ache. A welcomed ache. It reminded me that life went on. I may have said goodbye to one precious thing in my life that I could never replace, but I’d gained more than I ever thought possible.

I propped myself up on an elbow and looked at him. He lay naked, an arm thrown over his head, his flat stomach pulsing as his heart slowly calmed.

The sweat on my skin began to chill and missed his weight on me. I missed being joined.

Sadness found me once again and I squeezed my eyes, trying to stay in the moment where tears couldn’t find me.

A hand caressed my cheek. “Are you okay?”

My eyes opened, locking onto his. “No. But I think in time I will be.”

His face darkened. “I miss her so much. It’s like a part of me is gone. I feel guilty for wanting this baby with you because I feel like I’m betraying her. I feel guilty for living while she’s gone.” He dropped his hand, looking up at the ceiling. “When is it okay to let her go? When will the guilt stop?”

My eyes glossed and I flopped down beside him, wanting so much to snuggle into his embrace. “Clara wouldn’t want us to feel guilty about living. But it’s going to take a long time to move on.”

Roan shifted, bringing his fingers to lock with mine. It wasn’t enough. I wanted his arm around me. But it had to do—for now.

“Thank you. For what just happened. You gave me something I didn’t even know I needed.” He smiled gently. “I have no words. It was incredible.”

I smiled. “Remember what I told you? Sex is meant to be enjoyed with no clothes and full body contact. You’ll get the hang of it.”

He laughed, then apprehension etched his face. “I managed to fight the conditioning this time, but next time…I don’t know if I can. It was stupid to push so hard. Especially now—” His eyes fell to my flat stomach.

Terror filled his gaze and I rushed to stop him from spiralling deep into himself. “Don’t think about next time. You probably didn’t think you could achieve what just happened, but you did.” I leaned over and kissed him gently. “Stop worrying. Everything will work out.”

“He’s hurting. He needs you, mummy.”

Clara’s voice captured my heart and I sucked in a breath.

A few minutes ticked by while we fell into our thoughts. The only sound came from the surf across the road. I wanted to stay in this bubble of time forever—in limbo where I didn’t have to face more tears or plan a future that would be full of complications.

Roan scowled. Breaking the silence, he said, “I didn’t want to do this, but it isn’t about me anymore. I need to know you’re safe. From me. I need to know I won’t hurt you accidently or put the baby’s life at risk.”

Ice trickled in my blood as a bleak resolution filled his eyes. He’d made a decision without discussing with me.

Shit.

Sitting upright, I snapped, “What are you thinking? Whatever it is, stop it.”

My heart picked up until it raced just as madly as before. I hated not knowing what crazy conclusions Roan had come to. He won’t leave. Will he?

Horror heated my blood at the thought of him walking away under the pretence of protecting me and his unborn child.

“Roan. You can’t—”

Cutting me off, he muttered, “I killed my handler in Russia. I broke the control he had over me. It’s no longer his voice inside my head telling me to kill and murder. But the conditioning is too deep. I’ll never be free because I’ve been taught all my life to obey a certain hierarchy.” He sighed. “Do you understand?”

Tears pricked my eyes. I didn’t have a clue. I’d never be able to comprehend what he lived with.

Roan didn’t wait for me to reply. “I can’t say I won’t ever fight again. I can’t say I’ll ever be strong enough not to seek out pain to help deal with my issues, but I can say I will hurt you. It’s inevitable. Sooner or later, I won’t be strong enough. You’ll touch me when I’m unprepared. I’ll lash out and cause untold damage, and I refuse to run that risk.”

My stomach pretzeled in fear. “What are you saying?” Don’t say you’re leaving. Do not say you’re leaving.

“All my life, I’ve been controlled. I thought I could find help from you, and…Clara…” His eyes misted, then he carried on. “But I’m taking responsibility for my own condition, and I know what I need to do. You’re my life now. My woman and lover. I belong to you absolutely. I can’t put your life in danger every second of every day. It isn’t fair on you. And I refuse to live in fear anymore.”