Defiance (The Protectors #9)(59)

We were both breathing hard by the time I flopped down on my back on the bed next to him. I had no clue where to go from here, because I hadn’t yet managed to catch up to the fact that Nathan was blowing all of my expectations out of the water.

He rolled over on top of me and then his mouth was on mine. I managed to kiss him back, though in truth, my limbs felt like jelly.

“Was that okay?” he asked, a hint of insecurity seeping into his voice. It would have been the perfect time to feed into that insecurity with the intent of driving him away, but when his amber eyes met mine, I couldn’t do it.

“Perfect,” I whispered.

“Liar,” he said with a grin. He kissed me and said, “But practice does make perfect.” He waggled his eyebrows at me in such a way that I had no choice but to laugh. The emotion felt foreign to me, as did the way Nathan looked longingly at me as soon as my chuckling died down.

“Don’t end this yet, Vincent,” he murmured, all humor gone now. I couldn’t help but reach up to cradle his cheek with my hand. My throat felt too tight to speak.

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because I couldn’t have told him the words I should have said, anyway. I couldn’t have given voice to the truth that this would never work and that he was only going to get hurt in the long run.

No, I couldn’t do any of that because I was a selfish fucking asshole who wasn’t ready to let go yet.

So I didn’t answer him at all.

Well, not with words, anyway.

But I did let my lips do the talking as I pulled him down for a searing kiss that would let him know he wasn’t going anywhere.

Yet.



“Here,” I said as I handed the bottle of beer to Nathan. He was sitting on the far end of the lounger on my deck, staring off into the distance. The sun was just starting to fall, so the sky above us was lit up with swirls of fiery orange and red. The air had turned cool, and while I’d pulled on a long-sleeved shirt after my shower earlier, Nathan was still wearing a T-shirt.

“Why don’t we go inside?” I said as I let my fingers drift over his cheek.

I hated how quiet he’d gotten since this morning. After the encounter in my bedroom, we’d each gone to our own bathrooms to get cleaned up. I’d joined Nathan in the kitchen to clean up the mess we’d made…that I’d made. There had been an awkward tension between us ever since then, and Nathan had spent most of the day in his room with one of my laptops. When he’d tried to show me the emails he’d written to get my approval before sending them, I’d waved him off because I trusted him not to put either of us in danger by revealing his location.

I’d spent the day in my office trying to track down Nathan’s assailant, but hadn’t had any luck. Whoever the guy was, he was good at not leaving an electronic footprint behind.

“Not yet,” Nathan murmured. I liked how he leaned into my touch.

I swung my leg over the lounger just behind him and then sat down. I settled against the lounger’s back. “Come here,” I said softly as I closed my fingers over Nathan’s elbow. He glanced over his shoulder at me and then got up. He settled himself between my legs and pressed his back against my chest. The intimate embrace should have felt awkward, but it just felt…right.

I settled my arm around his waist and then put my beer on the ground next to me. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the new watch I’d programmed for Nathan. He didn’t object when I fastened it around his right wrist. In fact, when I was done, he grabbed my fingers and laced them with his and then pulled my hand around to his chest.

“Nathan, we need to talk about what happened this morning,” I began. “I didn’t use a condom. I’m sorry…it was incredibly irresponsible.”

He didn’t respond at first. When he did, it was merely to pull my fingers to his mouth so he could press a kiss against them. “I trust you, Vincent. I know you would never put me in danger.”

“I wouldn’t,” I confirmed. “But I should have told you beforehand that I’ve been tested and I’m negative.”

Nathan nodded. “Me too. My last girlfriend wasn’t exactly faithful, and even though I always used protection with her, I wanted to be sure.” After several beats, he went on to say, “I liked it…knowing part of you was still with me.”

Fuck, this man was going to be the death of me. How had I ever thought he was like the others in his business? The man seemed incapable of telling a lie.

Nathan settled more heavily against me, and I gladly wrapped my arms around him when I felt his body tremble.

“I told Everett I was gay,” he whispered.

I settled my mouth against his temple. “How did it go?”

“It was scary as fuck.”

I nodded in understanding, even though he couldn’t see me. I figured he could feel the motion.

“I can’t stop thinking about Brody…how scared he must have been to tell me. He was so young…”

“You were, too,” I reminded him.

He shook his head. “I was his big brother. I was supposed to look out for him. He…he’d barely even gotten the words out when I told him he wasn’t…that he couldn’t…”

Nathan’s voice broke, but he pressed on. “I told him he couldn’t be a fag and that he’d go to hell.” Nathan’s hand reached up to wipe at what I assumed were tears. “But he refused to take it back. I called him a sick pervert, and then I went straight to my father and told him what Brody had said. I betrayed my own brother.”