Dear Life(12)

Funny, how such a little human can bring three people together. I will forever share this bond with June and Alex, it can never be taken away from us. Until the day I die, I will remember this moment, where three adults formed an unyielding agreement that no matter what happens, we will always put Hope first.

“I guess you should be going,” I suggest. “Can I just hold her one last time?”

“Of course,” Alex says, stepping in and picking up Hope. Carefully, she hands her over to me, the weight of her so light in my arms.

Turning my back for some privacy, I gaze down at Hope, her name so fitting. “Hey, baby girl.” My voice cracks with each word, my heart breaking with each second that brings our time to an end. “I want you to know you are one blessed little girl, having two moms who want you, who prayed for you, who did everything in their power to finally be matched with you. You weren’t a surprise to them, an inconvenience, or a calculated risk. You were sought after, dreamt for, begged for. You are everything they have ever wanted, which only means one thing. Your home, the one you’ll grow up in, will always be filled with joy, with warmth, and with love, everything you deserve.” Tears fall onto her dress and I try to wipe them away, not wanting to soak her. “I love you, Hope. Don’t ever forget that I didn’t give you up because I didn’t want you, but that I placed you with a family who will be able to give you more than I ever will.” Turning around, I see June holding up her camera, taking pictures, and I’m grateful for her capturing these last moments I have with Hope. Taking a deep breath, I glance down at her one last time just as her eyes start to open, her tiny peepers popping open for a brief second, cutting me in half. They are glazed over with sleep but I take this moment, I take it like a greedy fucking bastard and savor it.

Eye contact.

Inwardly, I speak to her, begging her to remember me, to know me, to believe me when I say I love her.

Bringing her up to my lips, I place a kiss on her forehead, breathing in her baby scent one last time and then with a heavy heart, a broken and shattered resolve, I place Hope in Alex and June’s waiting hands. Tears cloud my vision, despair clogs my heart.

I nod, unsure I can say anything else to these two compassionate women, and head for the door just when June stops me. Alex is putting Hope in the car seat when June envelops me in a hug. Standing on her toes, she speaks softly and emotionally into my ear.

“She will always know of your selflessness, she will always know of your sacrifice, and she will always know of your love, of the day you made the hardest decision of your life. Trust me when I say she will emulate every selfless aspect of you, Jace.” Squeezing me, she places a kiss on my cheek and then looks me directly me in the eyes, her soft hands gripping my face. “You filled a hole in my heart that’s been empty for quite some time. You gave us a baby, Jace. I will never be able to show you how truly grateful I am, all I can do is love that little girl to the best of my ability. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

And just like that, I’m fucking ruined.





DAISY


“Can I help with anything?” I ask, watching my half-sister, Amanda tend to her famous spaghetti sauce over the stove.

“Do you want to set the table? Matt should be home soon.”

“Not a problem.” I jump off the stool at the kitchen bar and walk over to the little four-person dining room table in the open-concept living space. Knowing Amanda likes place mats, something I learned the first day I moved into their townhome only six days ago, I reach into the buffet table that rests against the wall and fish out the pretty purple and green paisley print placemats. “Uh, does Matt usually work this late?” It’s still awkward, trying to think of conversation with my half-sister since we haven’t spent much time with each other.

“No, not really. During baseball season, he works a little longer than normal, but since it’s off-season he gets home pretty early. He called earlier and said he had to go down to the hospital to be with one of his players.”

“Oh no, I hope everything is okay.”

“Me too.” She gives the sauce a few more stirs before reaching into the cabinet above her and pulling out plates for me to set on the table. “Did you talk to your grandma today?”

“I did.” I swallow hard, her words of wisdom on constant replay in my head.

You need to start living.

You need to enjoy this time with your sister.

You need to get a job.

You need to meet people.

You need to put yourself out there.

“How is she doing?”

“Good.” I take the plates and set them on the table. Walking over to the silverware drawer I continue, “She’s been making some progress in moving her left hand but that’s pretty much all she can do for now. It’s going to be a very long road for recovery.”

“But cognitively, she’s sounding good?”

“Yeah,” I sigh, setting out the silverware. “Hey, I know I’ve said it a few times, but I really want to thank you and Matt for taking me in. With Gram’s hospital bills and now all her money going to her senior living . . . Well, I really appreciate it.”

Amanda walks over to me, a warm smile on her face. She envelops me into a hug and says, “Anything for my sis. We’re blood. I’m just glad we have this time to get to know each other better.”