Dear Life(17)

Beside me, Snowflake nods her head, as if what Marleen is preaching is hitting her straight to the soul. Hmm, she wants to start a new chapter. Despite not wanting to be emotionally invested in anything, I can’t help but be curious. What is going through Snowflake’s mind? Whatever affected her can’t be that drastic. She’s far too simple and sheltered to have experienced true hard knocks.

“Today isn’t about fixing anything though,” Marleen says, pacing the room, her one-inch heels clicking across the lacquered floors. “Today is about grieving. Today is about accepting why you’re here and being mad about it. Today is the one day in this program that you’re allowed to be angry, to lash out, to allow the pain you’ve been carrying around to seep from your soul and onto the paper in front of you. Through the course of this program, you’ll be writing to life, explaining your thoughts and feelings, like a journal. It will be a cathartic experience for those truly invested in this program.” Clapping her hands together, the sound echoing through the sterile cinder-block walls of the room, she adds, “It’s time to grieve. Leave it all out on the paper. Take this moment and let go of the worries, the fears, the demons. Lay it all out. Because the point of this program is to move on, to create anew, but you can never truly and freely move on until you fully feel your anger. Let your anger consume you, let it eat you up and then write it all out, leak it onto the paper. Take your time, and when you’re done, drop off your letters into the box up front.”

What? We don’t keep the letters? Who wants some random person reading their letters? And who the hell has the job of reading them?

“Don’t worry,” Marleen continues. “Your letters won’t be touched. They are sealed by you and will stay sealed.”

Well, that solves that small panic. Thank fuck.

“For the rest of the evening, you are welcome to talk to your group or just write your letters. Either way, I want you to bundle the anger you’ve been harboring and bleed it out. Please be sure to see your goal for the upcoming weeks and be prepared for the next meeting. If you have any questions, you have my contact information in the folder.”

With that, Marleen tends to her desk where she sits down and starts sifting through the NDAs. Other groups begin to quietly chat while our circle sits in silence.

“Um, can I say something?” Snowflake chimes in as we all stare at the blank gender-neutral stationery in front of us. No one answers her but we do give her our attention. “I haven’t really been exposed to many social settings, so this is incredibly uncomfortable for me, and I might be a little off-base when I say this, but I’m going to go for it anyway.” Turning to Jace she says, “From the darkness in your eyes, I have a feeling you’re really going through something heavy, and Hollyn, it’s obvious that you’re hurting from how closed off you are.” Turning to me she flippantly says, “And it’s obvious you don’t want to be here for who knows what reason, but I want to be here. I want to make a change, so instead of all of us sulking and being closed off, why don’t we make a pact now. Let this program be our New Year’s resolution. Let’s hold each other accountable and take this program seriously because if anything, we can at least appreciate the need for something to change in our lives.”

Isn’t she just adorable with her go-get-’em attitude? The girl has a lot to learn. I’m about to say something sarcastic when Jace sits back in his chair and nods his head.

“She’s right. If we’re going to be here, let’s make the most of it.” Come on, Jace.

“I’m in,” Hollyn says with a shrug of her shoulder, looking slightly excited but trying not to show it. No surprise there, she likes to jump on the bandwagon.

Looking around the circle, I ask, “Is this where we all put our hands in the middle and cheer?”

“Don’t be a dick, Carter,” Hollyn chastises.

I smirk, pen poised on my stationery. “I’m not, just a wondering mind, that’s all.”

“So it’s settled?” Snowflake asks, hope in her eyes. “We’re going to do it? Our New Year’s resolution?”

“Yes,” Hollyn and Jace say together.

Everyone turns to me, waiting for my answer. Knowing I have no way of getting out of this, I succumb. “I guess so.”

“Yay!” Snowflake cheers and then pulls out her cell phone. “Now I just got this the other day so I don’t know how to use it, but let’s pass our phones around so we can get each other’s phone numbers, then let’s write our letters.” Shit no.

And here I thought working for my uncle was hell.

***

Dear Life,

It’s time to grieve. What does that even mean? As if I wasn’t allowed to grieve before? I’ve been grieving for almost two years.

It’s time to be mad. Well, too late for that. I’m past mad and downright pissed off. Why do you ask, Life? Let’s see, I was married to the love of my life for a year, A YEAR before you took him away from me. Before your grand scheme of shitty plans took hold of my heart and snapped it in half.

How is that fair? How is it all right to let rapists and murderers and shitty people walk around this earth unscathed but then someone like my husband, a man who committed his life to serve, you let him die? You took him away. Tell me, please, how is that fair?