Dear Life(11)

What’s better than one mom? Two. It was the one quote I remember from their personalized letter to me. It stuck with me, that and the picture of Alex and June at a Colorado Miners game, wearing Jace Barnes shirts. I might have been a little partial.

The first time we met, they had no idea I was the man fulfilling their unanswered prayers. Initially it was shock, but once that wore off, we sat down and chatted like old friends. I learned about how they first met, a beautifully funny story about working together at an ice cream parlor. I saw pictures of their three cats and two dogs that they jokingly referred to as their farm. And I learned about their struggle through the adoption process, hearing about the prejudice they had to face being a female same-sex couple trying to adopt. It broke me in half and I vowed to them that day, their search was over. That they could rest easy and start stocking up on diapers, because their little girl will be coming shortly.

We parted with long, thankful hugs, an appreciation for both sides of this adoption, knowing that bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility and that all three of us will do the best we can to give her everything she needs.

Through watery eyes, June looks up at me, her gratefulness beaming from her. “She’s absolutely beautiful, Jace.”

“She’s perfect,” Alex speaks up, being more of the silent one in the relationship, a small tear streaming down her cheek.

“Thank you,” I answer awkwardly, not really sure how to respond. “Uh, did Tracy give you all the paperwork?”

Alex nods, still looking down at the baby. “We are all set and we’ve been through the discharge process as well with the doctor.”

“So she’s ready,” I say, my throat clogging up again.

Alex meets my eyes and nods somberly. “She’s ready.”

“Well, you should get her changed. You brought an outfit, right?”

“We did.” June hands the baby to Alex and then goes into the hallway where she brings in a car seat and a grey diaper bag that’s overflowing with newborn items. She looks a little awkward carrying everything, but then again, so would I.

“Good.” I pull on the back of my neck, trying to not lose it, despite the anvil of pain weighing heavily on my chest. “Did you finally come up with a name?”

When we initially met, I asked them if they had some names in mind and they weren’t really set on anything. Before we left, Alex pulled me to the side and said that they were holding off on a name, in case I changed my mind. She said it would be too devastating on June to once again, name a baby she wasn’t able to call her own.

I swore to Alex that day, that June would finally get her baby, and nothing was going to stand in her way.

And nothing has.

The paperwork is complete, June is finally a mommy. Fuck, just thinking about giving this woman such a precious gift has me feeling unsteady and wobbly.

“We did come up with a name,” Alex replies, a sincere smile to her eyes.

Clearing my throat, I ask, “What did you decide to name her?”

Pulling her attention away from the baby, June exudes motherhood in that one, shy smile directed at me. “We decided to name her Hope, because you gave us hope, Jace.” Alex wraps her arm around June, and I take in the most beautiful family standing before me. “You took a dreary and arduous journey and turned it into something of hope. You’ve given us something we could never repay you for.”

I nod because my throat is too damn tight to respond. We stand there in silence for a moment before I clear my throat and say, “It’s perfect. And, you don’t need to repay me, just . . .” I take a deep breath, “just keep me updated, send me pictures, come to my games. Please just let her know who her birth father is, let her know that I . . . love her.”

That’s all I want, for her to know me, and the decision I made for her. The hardest fucking decision of my life.

“You will always be a part of her life, Jace, there is no changing that.”

Feeling uncomfortable, I stick my hands in my pockets and stand there awkwardly. Do I leave? Do I watch them dress her? Do I get to say one last goodbye before she starts a new journey? Will they let me?

“Jace,” June cuts in, “would you help us get her ready to leave?”

“Sure.” I smile tightly, not wanting to show too much emotion.

“Here,” June hands me the diaper bag, “there are a few outfits in there, pick one out. I’ll start to get her undressed so you can dress her.”

I spend the next few minutes picking out a flowery dress with matching hair bow and ballet shoe-looking socks. June and Alex lay her on the bed, on top of a pink knitted blanket Alex’s mother made. Hope squirms and quietly grunts as I weave her tiny arms through the dress, her eyes never opening, not once. I just want one peek. Just one chance to make a connection with her. I know she won’t remember, but I will. I want her to see me, not just hear me.

Once I have her dress situated, I put on her socks that are entirely too big for her thin legs, and then I gingerly brush her hair to the side and place the headband gently over her forehead like June directs. When she’s fully dressed, I’m unable to remove my eyes from the beauty below me. Enveloped by the knitted blanket, she looks like an angel, a dream, a true blessing. Together, June, Alex, and I hold each other, one lady on either side of me and we cry together, marveling at the baby below us. How could Rebecca give her away?