Dear Life(115)
“We can get a nanny to help,” Rebecca points out.
Keep calm. Keep the fuck calm.
“I had the same idea,” I say. “If I was going to keep Hope, I’d hire a full-time nanny who would stay with her while I was away, while I was playing, training, doing media interviews. It would be perfect, right?” I pause, as I really want her to think about what I’m saying. “But, I wouldn’t be raising her. I would be a stranger walking in and out of her nursery at night, which doesn’t feel perfect to me. I grew up without parents, Rebecca, so I know what it’s like to not have anyone around. I didn’t want that for our baby, I still don’t want that for her. Do you? Do you want her to have absent parents?”
Looking out to the field, her eyes begin to water. One single tear rolls down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away. We used to be friends. It’s hard to see that now. “No, of course I don’t want that, Jace. I wasn’t ready, and even though I still don’t feel ready, I feel so guilty. I carried her for nine months, and was terrified, almost resentful, and for that I felt guilty. Don’t all women want their babies? What was wrong with me that I didn’t want her?” She looks away from me then, and I feel for her struggling with the weight of guilt. Been there. And I don’t know the answer to her question. I never didn’t want Hope, though. Even after only having two and a half months to work through the shock, I just knew I wasn’t her best option. After taking another deep breath, she turns back and says, “When I told you about her, I hoped I would still have a chance to see her, and that when I got my shit together, I could participate in her life. I didn’t think you were going to ship her off to someone else.”
“I didn’t ship her off, Rebecca. I spent weeks researching, hours upon hours looking through profiles, searching for the right home. The perfect home. I placed her with a loving couple. June and Alex are wonderful women with hearts of gold, and were born to be mothers. They have taken in this tiny baby and given her a home. They’ve spent sleepless nights rocking her, feeding her, caring for her. They’ve fallen in love with her, and if you follow through with this lawsuit, you are going to crush them. They’ve already had a few failed adoptions, and this is their last shot. They have nothing left in them if Hope is taken away.”
“But she’s my daughter.”
“That she is, and as her mother, you should see the value in the gift we’re giving her. We’re giving her the chance to thrive in the most positive and loving environment we could ever give. Know what the best part is?”
“What?” She wipes away another tear.
“Alex and June want us in her life.”
“What?” Rebecca sits up, her hands on the table now.
“Yes, they dearly want an open-adoption which can include visitation rights.”
“With me, too?”
I nod. Rebecca is changing her attitude. Just a little more.
“With you, too. They understand the sacrifice we’ve both made and even though June and Alex will be Hope’s parents, we can be right there next to them, cheering, and helping in any way possible. They want us all to be a family. A family by heart, rather than blood.”
“A family by heart,” she whispers. “They’d be willing to do that?”
“Why don’t you ask them for yourself?” Not wanting to lose momentum, I open the door to the suite and motion for June and Alex to come in with Hope.
Immediately Rebecca’s hands go to her mouth in shock, her limbs trembling as she stands to greet June and Alex.
“Hi, Rebecca, my name is June.” She steps close and without notice, wraps Rebecca in one of her classic June hugs. “I want to say thank you so much for the bravery you’ve shown over the last few months. You’ve given us more than we could ever ask for.”
Hesitant at first, Rebecca hugs June back. “Do you really want me to be involved?”
June pulls Rebecca away and holds her at arm’s length. “We want you both involved as much as possible. It takes a community to raise a child. Why not have a tight-knit one?”
The next hour is spent fawning over Hope, talking about the first few months of her life, and her little emerging personality traits. Our little band of June, Alex, Rebecca, Ethan, and me is an eclectic group of individuals with one common interest—giving Hope the best life possible. From the promises on everyone’s faces in this room, I know that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
A family, finally.
HOLLYN
“I need Cracker Jacks. I can’t do this without Cracker Jacks.”
“You do not want Cracker Jacks,” Amanda says, not letting me up from my seat. “They’re going to get stuck in your teeth, and it won’t be pretty.”
“Beer, then. Get me a beer.”
“No beer.” She shoves a water bottle in my direction. “Beer will lead to beer breath, which is just ripe and nasty, and no one wants that.”
“How is water supposed to calm my nerves?”
“Pretend it’s vodka. A little imagination can go a long way.” Amanda looks to the field and taps her foot. “God, what’s taking them so damn long? This is torture.”
“Torture? You’re not the one putting yourself out there. You’re just here for the ride.”