Dear Aaron(118)

It was pathetic, but I pressed my forehead tighter in to him, knowing I had no right to, knowing I shouldn’t because there were a hundred reasons why this was a terrible idea, yet somehow making my grip more possessive, stronger. “Why are we so close together?”

“Because.” One of the hands at my waist tightened. “I want to.”

I stuttered. “Why?”

“Ruby,” was all he said.

Did he feel bad for me? Did he think I was an idiot? Was he doing this because he thought— There were tears lurking in my eyeballs, all pathetic and too easy to trigger. But I still told him, “I don’t want you to think I was stupid.” I sniffled and felt tears clinging to my eyelashes. “I already beat myself up enough about it over the years. I know how dumb I was. I never planned on telling anyone because… I’d never met anyone I would want to tell. Until you.”

I felt his whole body go hard. I felt tension fill one muscle after another in his incredible body. I felt him tip his face down and felt the breath out of his mouth hit the shell of my ear. The hands on my hips contracted even more and Aaron pulled me in closer, so close even I knew without a doubt that was something friends didn’t do. Ever. They didn’t have one zipper meeting another zipper. Friends with beautiful faces that you were in love with didn’t croak into your ear, “You’re not stupid. I don’t think that you’re stupid or dumb or pathetic, you understand me? Not even a little.” The fingers around my waist gave me an even tighter squeeze, and I was sure his lips brushed my forehead as we stood there, an unmoving island in this world. “I hate you thinking that of yourself, because you’re not.”

And then he repeated for good measure, “You are not, Ruby.” His chest pressed closer to mine on another inhale and he said, “You’re the opposite of all those things. Every single one. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re talented…” That mouth went to my temple again and just stayed there, whispering words directly into me. “You think I’ve forgotten about you and you’re ‘just Ruby’ shit?”

I just about choked.

And he kept going, oblivious. “You’re beautiful, Ru. And you’re sweet and kind. You’re all those things you don’t think you are… all those things you think everyone else in your family is, and more. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t see that in yourself, but I get it now.”

With all the questions bouncing around in my head, I could only focus on one. He got it now?

“I wasn’t thinking anything bad about you, RC.” He continued speaking in that low voice. “I’m not mad at you. Most of what I’ve been thinking about is how I’m going to beat that piece of shit’s ass the first chance I get for what he did to you, and nothing you do or say will talk me out of it.”

I stopped breathing again.

“And I was thinking you messed up, like most of us do, being with somebody who you ended up regretting,” he explained.

I guess I’d never thought about it like that. Then again, it was rare I ever let myself think about that. It was one of the lowest points of my life.

“Mostly though, Rubes, I want to go back in time and beat every single person’s ass who’s ever made you doubt yourself, because the girl who makes me smile ‘til my face hurts even on a shit day needs to see that in herself. I feel like I owe it to you.”

Aaron kissed my temple, and I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t get my cells to move.

My legs were weak.

And if that wasn’t enough, he kept going. He kept going. “I was a goner from the first time you gave me hell.” Aaron smiled. “Maybe even before then.”

I was going to pass out. Right here on this crappy dance floor, I was just going to faint. And I highly doubted anyone had smelling salts.

I honestly couldn’t do a single thing but just… stand there, and that was just barely. Because my knees… they had turned into jello.

That hand that had held mine countless times over the last few days came up and Aaron brushed at my cheek with his thumb. I heard him gulp. Heard him breathe. I felt him over the entire length of my body. “You are so goddamn special, Ruby. I’ll tell you every day if I have to.”

I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t. It was taking an act of nature to even keep myself standing. “Okay.” I gulped as my mind reeled, reality and just everything settling down enough for me to put the pieces back together. Then I stopped moving and raised my head so I could meet his eyes as I opened and closed my mouth. “Wait a second.”

He raised a blond eyebrow, his facial features a mix of hope and nerves. Nerves. Coming from Aaron. What was going on?

“I don’t understand,” I told him slowly, still processing everything, forcing myself to back up a second.

“What don’t you understand?” he asked easily, a partial smile on his features.

I squinted. “What do you mean?”

“What do you mean what do I mean?”

I blinked. “Do you…?” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say it, but I needed to. Had to. The words came out of me in syllables, a blush rising to my face at the fact that I was even about to ask this because it seemed so unreal. “Do you like me? Is that what you’re trying to say?”