Dear Aaron(115)

But I wasn’t about to let any of that intimidate me. Not this time.

“Are you okay?” I asked, approaching him.

He didn’t look at me. “I’m fine.”

Everything in me screamed to just go back inside. Go back inside. I didn’t want to do this. But… “I’m sure you are,” I said to him. “But I’m not.”

That had him cocking his head just enough to the side to look at me out of the corner of his eye. “Can we talk later?”

Chicken Ruby wanted to agree, but this new Ruby I wanted to be, she might have shaken and cried on the inside, but she said, “I would rather not.”

“Ruby,” he suddenly sounded exasperated. “I’m not in the mood, all right?”

“I get it. I’m not in the mood to talk about this either, but I think we should. I think I deserve to know why you’re upset.”

Aaron shook his head, his gaze straying back in the direction of the beach. “You know why I’m upset.”

“No, actually I don’t,” I told him, my voice shaking.

“You… you—” He let out a grunt like maybe he didn’t even know what he was mad about. “Everything you told me makes sense now. I told you I don’t like feeling stupid.”

Something inside of me reared up in indignation, in respect for myself, and I got all defensive again. “No one does, Aaron. I don’t like it either.”

His jaw moved just enough for me to tell he was back to side-eyeing me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what that’s supposed to mean. I don’t like being kept in the dark about things either.”

He could have lied. He really could have. He could have played dumb. He didn’t. Instead, Aaron let out this deep breath that almost seemed like he’d been holding it for years and years and years. Some part of him seemed to deflate, but just as quickly as it had, he sucked in a fortifying breath. “Look, can we talk about this tomorrow?”

“No.” Where the heck that had come from, I had no idea, but I kept going. “No. You don’t get to push me away and choose when to talk to me about things. I care about you so much, and I’m not going back into the house so you can sit out here and stew and bottle things up. I told you something that I’ve never, ever told anyone, and I didn’t want to. I know I did something stupid, okay? You don’t need to remind me. I’ve lived with that almost every day for the last three years.

“You keep pushing me to be braver than I feel, and when I finally do, you’re just going to storm out and not talk about it and try to turn this around? I don’t think so, mister. Maybe other people will let you go and do your thing, but I’m not. Not with you,” I said to him, my voice going in and out from normal volume to a whisper as my emotions got the best of me.

“I’ve gotten to know you, and I know there’s a lot you still haven’t told me, and that’s fine. I figure one day, hopefully you’ll trust me enough to. I know a lot of people haven’t given you a reason to believe in them, but I’m not like that. I’m not one of your ex-girlfriends or anybody else. I promised you I wouldn’t lie to you, and I’m sorry I kept that from you, but I hope you understand how humiliating that was. How much it still hurts me. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t, and it kills me that you might think differently about me because of it.”

Aaron’s head lowered until his forehead touched the hands he had hanging over the ledge of the balcony. I could hear him breathing. I could sense that his tension wasn’t going anywhere, and I knew, I knew he wasn’t going to break down now. Whatever he was thinking about and getting mad over, wasn’t going to get resolved right then.

And that notion made a knot form in my throat in disappointment and resignation.

He didn’t say anything, and I had no words left to give him. So I did the only thing I was capable of then, because I wasn’t about to let myself cry. No way. I settled myself into one of the chairs closest to me and I sat there as Aaron kept standing against the rail of the balcony.

Neither one of us said another word.





Chapter 21





I wasn’t surprised at all when I woke up the next morning and realized I was already in a crappy mood that had nothing to do with being groggy and tired after only sleeping a handful of hours.

The night before had been exhausting, and that was keeping it simple. Aaron and I had stayed outside for over an hour, with everyone else eventually stumbling off to bed. It wasn’t until he finally took a step away from the rail that he acknowledged I was there again. His fingertips had grazed my knee as he passed by me, his gaze not once meeting mine as he headed toward the doors and shoved one open. Aaron had stood there as I got to my own feet and headed back inside, while he closed it.

When he started flicking lights off was when I finally headed downstairs and went straight into my room. I figured that if he wanted to talk, he could come to my room and say whatever he wanted to say. Except he didn’t.

Was he disappointed in me for not being a virgin or for just being a dumb kid and adult? Was he mad at me for keeping it a secret? Or was there something else going on?

I had no clue.

What I did know was that I felt exhausted even though I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I didn’t feel like I had the strength right then to sit with him in silence in case he wasn’t ready to talk. Some part of me expected that was how it would go. Hadn’t we gone two weeks without talking in the past? I only had a couple more days left here, and I didn’t want to spoil them, but I wasn’t about to apologize either.