Conviction(35)

“Anyway, back to you. What’s going on? You look sad.”

Shit! Tears sting my eyes again. I take a few deep breaths and swallow them down.

“I just feel like I’m the only one in this marriage right now.”

“Pfft. What d’ya mean, right now? From what I’ve seen, it’s been like that from day dot.”

“Don’t Soph, I need your support right now, not your opinion of my husband.”

“Neen, I’ll support you in most things. I’ve always had your back and you know that. But, him… staying married to him? No, I’m sorry, he’s not right for you. You get more miserable every day. I feel like the longer you’re with him, the more of you I lose. You’re fading away in front of me, Neen.”

My bottom lip suddenly has a mind of its own and I lose all ability to stop it trembling.

“I think it’s over. I think, I mean… I don’t know. I just don’t know what I can do anymore, Soph. I can’t make him want me. I can’t force him to f*ck me.” I’ve never confessed to Sophie about my lack of sex life, but now I’ve told her the truth about why I married Marcus, she might as well know the whole story. Plus, the glass of wine I’ve just gulped down into my empty stomach has gone straight to my head.

“What? Wait a minute? You’re not having sex? Since when? How long and why do I not know this?”

“No. Since forever. The whole time we’ve been together and you don’t know, because I didn’t want to give you another reason to hate him. I didn’t want to have to come up with another reason to justify staying with him.”

“Fuck Neen… or not, in your case.”

I give her a small smile.

“I’ve told myself that this weekend away is to try and get pregnant.”

Her perfectly shaped eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. “Neen, you’re not still seriously considering…”

I shake my head. “No, let me finish,” I tell her. “I’ve kidded myself that this weekend away is all about making a baby, but I know…” I lose it and start to cry. “I know in my heart, it’s really my last attempt at saving my marriage, Soph.”

She moves from sitting opposite to sitting beside me.

“Neen, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t say the things I do about Marcus. I’m your friend and I should be more supportive of your choices, but f*ck babe, the bloke’s a complete prick and if he’s not up to scratch in the bedroom, then what’s the point? Why are you even trying to make it work?” She brushes my hair from my face and tucks it behind my ears.

“I don’t know. I just didn’t want to give up without one last try. I think I was hoping that things might change if I got pregnant. If we had a baby together, I thought it might bring us closer.”

She shakes her head. “And what if it doesn’t? What if things are just as bad? He’s a lawyer Neen, d’ya seriously think he’ll let you walk away with his kid?”

Shit, I hadn’t even thought about that. I let out a long breath and look up at the ceiling.

“What am I gonna do?” I turn to look at her again. “Do I just walk away?”

“Well,” she says, with a smile on her face, “instead of going away with him next weekend, you could come with me. Josh has given me VIP tickets to this year’s Triple M, event.”

“Shit, I forgot that was next weekend.”

We had attended this event a few times over the years but only when Shift weren’t playing. They had been absent since Josh’s firm had taken over the organisation of the event, so we’d gone VIP the last few years and had made a big donation. We were massive Carnage fans back in the day and had seen them live a few times. Conner had worshiped Marley Layton and always aspired to play and sing as well as he did. I suddenly wondered how he was doing. Whether the band would carry on without Jet? There had been all sorts of speculation in the press, but no official word from the band.

“Has Josh spoken to Conner, d’ya know? Did he say how he was doing?” I ask without thinking.

Sophie looks at me with a shit-eating grin spread right across her face.

“What?” I ask her, with a frown.

“See that… that right there. What you just said right then is the reason that you need to walk away.”

“Why? What did I say?”

“Babe, we’re sitting here discussing the demise of your eight-year marriage and whether it’s worth fighting for and you’ve just asked about Conner. Your head’s already moved on. Your heart just hasn’t caught up yet, but that’s because it’s a good heart and wants to do the right thing, but your head, your head is wise and has already packed its bags and moved the f*ck on.”

She throws herself back on the sofa, wearing a self-satisfied smile.





On Friday, Marcus wins his case. He falls through the front door, blind drunk, at three in the morning, making so much noise that Duchess must think we have a burglar and she starts barking, waking me up. I go downstairs and find him sitting on the bottom step with his head in his hands.

“You okay?” I ask from the top of the stairs, looking down at him. He turns his head slowly and tries to focus on me.

“I’m sorry,” he says so quietly that I can hardly hear him.