Conviction(32)

I f*cking hate this. Hate that she still has the ability to affect me like this. She’s a hairdresser from a small town in Surrey. I’m the lead guitarist for one of the world’s biggest bands. I’ve face f*cked actresses, supermodels and even royalty but none of them, not one, has helped me move on from the girl that didn’t show. The girl that left me when she was just sixteen.

I look away from Josh for a split second, planning on leaving it at that. My brain has a rush of thoughts as it tries to convince me that I don’t care… that I don’t give a f*ck whether she’s okay or not. Why should I? But my f*cker of a heart takes charge of my movements and my head swings back, my eyes meet his and my eyebrows raise, letting Josh know that I want him to continue with whatever he was about to say. He gives a subtle nod. This is what makes men such uncomplicated creatures, we’ve had an entire conversation without a single word being said. No thoughts, feelings or emotional bullshit required.

“She’s okay,” he shrugs his shoulders as he talks.

She’s okay? Well, what the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

I don’t care. I don’t want to know.

I do care. I do want to know. I want to know everything.

Does she ever think about me, talk about me? Does she miss me? Does she listen to my music? Is she proud that she once knew me? That once upon a time, she loved me, that I loved her? Does she know that some of my best songs are about her? But most of all, what I want to know more than anything, is why? Why the f*ck didn’t she show up?

Sandra shoves a plate with a couple of bacon rolls on it, into my hand and I walk toward the table without looking back at Josh. I sit down and she places a cup of tea in front of me too. As much as the food smells good, I’m not sure if my stomach can handle it. I ran out of bourbon two days ago and I’ve slept pretty much continuously since then. No food, just water.

“You look like shit,” my brother points out.

“Yeah, he smelt like it earlier too,” my dad says, winking at me at the same time.

“I didn’t come down here to get insulted. You can all f*ck right off if that’s all you’re here for,” I tell them.

Sandra ruffles my hair. “Ignore them Con, you smell lovely now… Although, I will be wearing gloves when I change those sheets. You had any women up there?” I raise my eyes to meet Lawson’s. It’s his turn to wink at me now. Shit! Amanda! What the f*ck was I thinking?

Lawson had turned up with Amanda in tow, a couple of days after we got back from America. Amanda, a case of bourbon and a very large bag of blow. There was only one way that evening was gonna go and it did. We all ended up, shitfaced. Lawson f*cking Amanda in the arse while I f*cked her face.

I woke the next morning to her trying to climb on top of me. I pushed her off onto the bed, straddled her chest and wanked myself into her mouth, by which time, Lawson was awake and started eating her for breakfast. I came all over her face, then left them to it. Going back to my own room, locking the door before showering and crawling into bed.

I’ve never had sex in my bed, I have another room where that kind of action takes place. My bedroom is strictly out of bounds.

“Nah, not in my room. But you might wanna wear a Hazchem suit when you do the round room,” I tell Sandra, in answer to her question.

“Jesus Reed, what kind of women are you bringing back here?” Josh asks.

“Oi, don’t put this on me. Lawson brought her here,” I try to defend myself.

Lawson folds his arms across his chest defensively. “I brought her here for you, Reed.”

“Yeah, then took her to the round room and f*cked her brains out,” I argue.

“Right,” Sandra shouts over the top of us. “I’m gonna tackle these dirty sheets, rather than listen about your filthy exploits.” We all laugh as she heads off wearing rubber gloves, a plastic apron, a disposable mask and carrying a pair of stainless steel tongs.

I take a bite out of my roll and chew slowly, swigging on my tea to help it on its way down my throat. As soon as Sandra’s out of the room, Lawson says, “Don’t make out you’re all sweet and innocent in front of Sandra. You and I both know what happened with Amanda.”

Seriously, did he have to in front of my dad?

“I don’t think I wanna hear this,” my dad says.

“We do,” Tyler and Josh both say at the same time. I shake my head at the pair of them.

“Glad to see you’re still a fan of the three-way, Reed. Would hate to hear that your sex life has gone to shit, as well as your looks.”

“Fuck you,” I tell Josh. “Why you here anyway?” He looks across to Lawson. I lean back in my chair and lace the fingers of each hand together behind my head, stretching back and giving my stomach room to accommodate the roll I’ve just eaten. I’ve managed one, I definitely can’t manage the other though. I push my plate away and Tyler leans across and grabs the roll in an instant. I take a sip of my tea and look between Lawson and Josh.

“I came here specifically to see you today,” Josh begins, “but I’m in the country for The Triple M event next month.” My heart rate picks up as I wait to hear what he’s going to say next. Triple M is a charity event that takes place every year at venues all around the world. Shift took part in the very first event back in 2001. We were one of the very first bands on. Nobody had really heard of us. It was, in fact, one of my very first live appearances. We’d played at the event a few more times since then, but as one of the headline acts. It was for a great cause. The charities involved helped kids getting back on their feet after rehab, getting them off the streets. There was a charity that helped aspiring bands and musicians, giving them free access to instruments and a recording studio. These were all things I cared passionately about.