Cassie (The Mitchell/Healy Family #7)(57)
Then she fell asleep, leaving me to my own thoughts. A while later, I went to sit on the other bed so I could watch her sleep from afar. It was unlikely we’d have time in the morning to divulge in more lovemaking. This was all we were going to get.
When I climbed back into the bed beside her, she turned and nestled her body perfectly against mine. As warm as it felt to hold her, I couldn’t let go. Cassie would never be a woman I had a fast affair with. Her essence would haunt me, and while she was busy getting her life back together, I feared mine was about to fall apart. I’d been so close to having something of my own; someone to finally care for me, just as much as I wanted to do for her, but I was throwing it all away. If she was the one for me it was already too late. Whatever we could have been was over before it started. I’d never know what it would be like to fall in love with her. I’d never know what it was like to share my life with her.
It was devastating, and reminded me of the pain I’d experienced when I knew I didn’t have a family to go home to.
Chapter 31
Logan
We’d been driving for what felt forever, only stopping for bathroom breaks and food. Her head leaned up against my body, her feet hanging out the open window. Originally we were going to stop in Kentucky, but I asked if we could do it on the way back instead, knowing she wasn’t going to be with me then anyway. I hoped once she got settled, her big family would all come to welcome her home. She had a lot of catching up to do, after she got over the initial shock of being back.
This quiet time between us was both peaceful and unsettling. I ran my hand over her knee and imagined what it would have been like if we were headed home together to reap the benefits of our new relationship. Aside from the huge amount of sex we’d be having, I could also appreciate the sentiment of knowing I had someone to come home to.
Now nearing my thirties, I worried my time to find a woman and start a family was wearing thin. Cassie was still young, not that her age would defer me from wanting things. I hardly every thought about our age difference or the fact that she’d experienced so much in a little amount of time.
What sucked worse was knowing without a doubt that if we had more time I know I’d fall completely in love with her. We’d lived together long enough to learn each other’s quirks. She was used to my schedule, and didn’t mind doing the things at home I never could find the time for. She didn’t just clean and cook. Cassie made the house feel like a home. Her little touches seemed to brighten the place up. I tried not to picture a couple months from now, because I knew a thick layer of dust would cover every surface. Our cabinets would be bare, and the refrigerator would have several containers of mystery items neither Charlie or I would want to open.
Cassie adjusted in her seat, sitting up when we hit the North Carolina state line. “I never thought I’d be coming back here.”
“How does it make you feel?”
“I’m glad it’s with you.” She laced her hand in mine. “I’d be in bad shape if I had to see my parents.”
I clenched my jaw and stared forward at the road, hoping she didn’t look over and see the lament in my eyes. “Home is where your heart lies.” I said it because I assumed she’d know I was talking about her family.
“Right now my heart is hanging out wherever you are, Logan.” Her gaze was on mine, even though I was determined to ignore it. “I’m not trying to get emotional, or scare you away. I know how long it takes for two people to feel deeply about each other. I’m not na?ve to what I’ve been through with Brant and my family. I just know that I’ve never felt so safe in my entire life. When I’m with you I can breathe. You make the pain and frustrations go away. It’s not the sex, although it’s been amazing so far. It’s just you as a person. I trust you with my life. I know you, of all people, wouldn’t ever put me in danger, or lie to me about who you are or what you’re feeling.”
I wanted to pull the car over and tell her the truth, but how could I? We were close to seeing her family. Time was running out for me to come clean, and I knew if I did she wouldn’t allow me to continue on. As much as I cared for Cassie, I couldn’t be selfish. I couldn’t keep someone who didn’t belong with me, even if it’s exactly where I wanted her to be. “I’m not perfect, Cassie. I hope you know that.”
“None of us are. As least you’re real. Even if things don’t work out for us relationship wise, I hope you’ll continue to be my friend. In a city of madness I know it’s peaceful as soon as you walk into the room.”
She was putting me on a pedestal I didn’t deserve. “I remember how rude you were when we met.”
“How would you have acted? You’d just caught me in possession of drugs. I was in no position to be able to focus on my demeanor. I was about to go to jail. My life would have been over, and I was desperate.”
“I get it. I’d been watching you for weeks. That little outfit you have to wear for work was a bit too revealing if you ask me. It was impossible to not imagine you naked.”
“Wow, I’m sort of glad you never mentioned that before.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t without effort, trust me. I think what bothered me even more was seeing you with your boyfriend. No offense, but what did you see in him?”
“He was nice to me. I thought he worshipped the ground I walked on, but clearly that wasn’t the case.” Cassie seemed to be uptight. “He made me do things I wasn’t exactly comfortable with. Before I knew it I was becoming someone else entirely. I think that’s why it’s been easier to get over his betrayal and let him go. In all honesty, he was never mine to begin with. His heart wasn’t with me, not the way I needed it to be. I sacrificed everything for him; I gave up my family because he convinced me it was the only way for us to have a future. When we arrived in Vegas I thought it was the start of something beautiful. Instead, it became the end of everything I once thought I wanted.”