Call Me Cat (Call Me Cat Trilogy #1)(30)

"I'm sorry. I have to go. This was a mistake." He turned to leave.

I grabbed his arm. "Wait. Ash, don't push me away. Let me be there for you." My heart was raw, bared to him so completely that it burned from exposure.

But he kicked me aside. "No, Catelyn. You're not what I need right now."

I stood shaking as he walked into the building without turning back. I'd lost him. One stupid fear, and I'd lost him for good.





Chapter Twenty Four


Surrogate Sex


THE WEEK AFTER Christmas, Mother Nature got angry and took out her rage on most of the country, excluding California—which is where I desperately wished I was. Blizzards, crazy snow that made us prisoners in our own homes, power outages and dangerous roads prevented travel, and by New Year's Eve we all had cabin fever. Bridgette and I were bickering more than we ever had, and I spent more and more time alone in my room, wishing that Ash would at least call Cat if not Catelyn. I missed him and worried about him in equal measure.

The Beaumonts were forced to cancel their New Year's Eve party, which turned out to be the only highlight about the storms. I couldn't handle another forced social engagement, not after what happened last time. I was honestly shocked they'd even consider a party so soon after their daughter had been attacked, but Bridgette assured me this was normal for them. "To my parents, parties are as much business building and networking as social, maybe more so. I would have been surprised had they not planned to invite everyone who's anyone over for New Year's."

I planned to work that night. Lots of lonely people on holidays and I could make holiday pay. I had a few regulars, including my stocking and nylon fetish guy. I'd learned more about this subject from him than I'd ever needed or wanted to know, but he seemed harmless, if quirky, and I didn't hate his calls. The guy who wanted to suck on my breasts while I nursed him as he wore a diaper—he gave me the creeps. I finally hung up on him when he wanted me to change his diaper and let him lick the diaper clean. That was just… no. I'd found another line I wouldn't cross.

Just as I was about to clock out for the night, I got one more call. Ash sounded drunk, with his words a little slurred, his speaking slower. And he sounded so sad. "Hi, Cat. Sorry I haven't called in a while."

"Ash, I've been worried about you."

"To be honest, I'm worried about me, too."

I waited for him to continue, not sure what to say or ask, but the silence just hung between us, choking the words out of us.

"The man I hurt?"

"Yes…?"

"He died. I killed him. I took another life, and it's a guilt I can't live with again. The weight is too much for me."

I had no idea how to respond to him. I couldn't imagine what it must feel like to have taken someone's life. "Have you talked to someone about this?"

"I'm talking to you."

"Oh, Ash. I don't know what to say to help you." I gnawed at my bottom lip, wishing I had more wisdom or experience. Or better words that could make a difference to him. But I had nothing, only a deep and abiding sadness at his pain.

"I want to meet you, Cat. In person. No pressure, no expectations, but I want to sit in front of you and see your eyes and know you for real."

My heart stopped.

When it started beating again, it beat too fast. My pulse raised and my mouth went dry. I didn't know what to say.

"Cat, are you there? I'm sorry if I've scared you. I'm sure it's against the rules, but I promise I won't hurt you. We can meet somewhere public. Somewhere you feel safe. I just need a friend right now."

He sounded so vulnerable, and I almost got angry at him. He had a friend. He had me. Me as Catelyn. Why couldn't he accept my friendship? Why did he need my phone sex persona more than the real me?

"Is there no one else? No one who cares for you?" Like me. The real me. The one who is desperate to kiss you again.

"There could have been someone, but I ruined it with her."

Hope planted itself in my heart again. "Why not reach out to her? I'm sure she would be happy to hear from you."

"It's complicated. She's on a path that I don't want to mess with. I don't want to mess up her life with my issues. She's got her own shit to deal with."

I tapped my foot on the ground, so tempted to confess everything, but so scared at the same time. "But you don't mind bringing me into your mess?"

"You two are very different," he said. "I feel so comfortable talking to you."

"How are we different?" I asked.

"I don't scare you," he said. "I scare her. I don't want to scare the woman I'm with."

I had nothing to say to that. He had scared Catelyn. But Cat accepted him with all his dark corners. "I might be a huge disappointment to you in person."

He exhaled his cigar. "I can't imagine that would be possible."

"What about this other girl? Wouldn't she be jealous?"

"She'll find someone better than me."

"I need to think about it, Ash. This is big."

"Sure, of course. Um, Cat?"

"Yes?"

"I need you tonight. If not in person, then this way. Like last time. Make me forget about everything except you."