Call Me Cat (Call Me Cat Trilogy #1)(35)

As we sipped coffee, bags spread around us, I stared aimlessly at the scenery.

Moonbeams danced on crystal flakes of snow and ice still clinging to the trees. The nearly full moon reflected off the street like something full of dreams and magic.

"If he doesn't hate me, if he can forgive me for lying to him, then we will have sex. I will have real,live,in—person, body-on—body sex for the first time. I'm nervous, Brig."

"Don't be." She blew into her coffee and sipped. "Once the initial sting is over, it's the most amazing thing ever with a guy who knows what he's doing, and I'm sure Ash does."

"Not about the pain. About the emotions. I'm already ridiculously in love with this guy, and we've only ever had phone sex. How will it be when we are finally together for real? What if this isn't as serious for him as it is for me?" God, I sounded like such a girl.

"Ash is clearly serious about you."

"Maybe. But Cat or Catelyn? I just want to be seen, you know? For someone to look into my soul, for someone to see into the darkest parts of who I am, and to love and accept all those parts, unconditionally. We all crave that witness, that other to see us and bear witness to our lives, as we witness theirs. That shared journey seems more significant now than I ever thought it would be. But he doesn't see me, not really. He sees two separate girls."

"Has it occurred to you," she asked, "that the Cat you are when you're with him is a part of the real you? That he sees Catelyn and Cat, and because he sees both, he's seeing more of the real you than you've ever showed anyone else?"





Chapter Twenty Nine


Peppermint Memories


I COULD HAVE swallowed a beehive full of angry bees and my stomach would have been more relaxed than it was right now. My dress, which had felt like wearing clouds the night before, now felt like wearing sandpaper. I could swear my shoes had shrunk overnight. My mascara wanted to mark every part of my face except my eyelashes.

Finally Bridgette banned me from my make-up and took over, doing my hair in a French twist with curly ringlets around my face. She gave my eyes a sexy, smoky look, and polished my lips to match my nails—f*ck-me-red.

The black spaghetti—strap dress clung to me like a second skin. I breathed deeply, terrified I was making the biggest mistake of my life, but knowing that I had to do this. I couldn't lie to him anymore.

Bridgette hugged me and dropped her car keys into my hand. "Be safe. Call me if you need me. And have fun!" She winked and then shoved me out the door with my winter coat and purse.

I was grateful for the coat. At least I didn't look as underdressed as I felt.

The drive to the restaurant took too long and ended too soon. Time played tricks on me, and my sweaty hands left prints on the steering wheel.

What would he say when he saw me? Would he freak out? Would he be disappointed that I was there to ruin his date with Cat? Would he be happy to know the two women in his life were one and the same? I played through every scenario in my head of what could happen tonight, and most of them ended badly for us both.

Parking near the restaurant was nonexistent, and I walked a few blocks in impossibly high heels, arriving out of breath. Standing outside, I opened my coat and let the chill of winter air cool my body and calm my mind. I remembered as a child I loved sucking on a peppermint candy and riding my bike really fast, breathing in the cool air, to capture the feeling I had right then. The smell of peppermint and cold reminded me of this, of winter, and a sleeping world with a secret life growing under it, waiting for spring to come. And now, also of Ash, of the way his mouth tasted when he kissed me. And in that there is also something sleeping, something secret waiting to come alive once the snow melts.

Through the windows of the restaurant, Ash sat in a corner booth staring at the candle flickering on the table. I could see him, but he couldn't see me, or hadn't looked up to notice. He was expecting Cat, a girl he thought he knew. A girl he thought he could trust. And he was about to get Catelyn, a girl he didn't want. A girl who made him feel like a monster.

A tear trickled down my cold cheek. I thought I only had one choice in this situation—to tell him the truth and suffer whatever fallout came.

But I realized in that moment there was another choice. A harder choice, but in some ways easier, or maybe better.

I could make Cat disappear. If she broke up with him, maybe he'd be willing to give Catelyn another chance. Maybe he'd see that she was the woman he needed. Because for all Bridgette's words, I couldn't accept that Cat was a part of me. She was an act, a role I played for money. I couldn't be her, because to be her meant I didn't know myself at all anymore. It meant I'd become someone I couldn't admit to myself, let alone other people.

I dug through my purse and found a pen and a paper. Scribbling a note, I chose my words carefully, then handed it and some cash to the valet and asked if he'd deliver it. He agreed, slipping into the restaurant, a blast of heated air making me shiver harder.

Placing my hand on the window, I drew a heart around the man sitting alone at the table. "I'm sorry, Ash. But you have to let go of her. She's not real. She never was."

And then I turned and walked away.





Chapter Thirty


The Blue Dress


I TORE DOWN my posters that night and cried myself to sleep, the ache in my heart growing bigger by the minute. Donna from The Pleasure Palace left multiple messages, frantic that one of my 'regulars' kept calling, upset and wanting to talk to me. She asked about what to tell him. I skipped classes the next day, preferring to wallow in private, and finally called her back late afternoon. "Tell him Cat doesn't work there anymore. I'll be back to work next week for everyone else, but he's not to know I'm still there and should never be transferred to me."