By Your Side(57)

Somehow I drove him home, wobbly legs and all, us barely speaking two words. When I pulled to a stop in front of the group home, he leaned over and brushed a kiss on my cheek, then another across my lips.

“See you,” he said in a gravelly voice, and was gone.





CHAPTER 38


I had kissed Dax. What did that mean? Did he want to be together? Did I? My head spun all night long with these thoughts and others. So many that my brain felt like it was going to explode. Guilt twisted my stomach until it felt like I was going to be sick. I tried to tell myself that Jeff and I weren’t together, were never together so there was no need to feel guilty. But I liked Jeff. I had been planning on being with Jeff for months, nearly a year now. Whatever was going on between me and Dax couldn’t happen. Not to mention if I walked away from Jeff now, everyone would hate me. All my friends would think I was a jerk. Dallin would only be proven right. Did Dax even want me to walk away from Jeff? Did kissing mean anything to him or was it just another distraction? I was so glad it was the weekend because I hardly slept at all.

The next morning I pulled down a bowl from the cupboard, feeling like a zombie. My mom had a pot of oatmeal ready on the stove and I dished myself two spoonfuls. She came humming into the kitchen as I added my fifth scoop of brown sugar.

“Did you want some oatmeal with your sugar?” she asked.

“Funny, Mom,” I said, taking one more scoop, then stirring it in until my oatmeal turned brown.

“You look tired,” she said.

My chest was tight with the familiar feeling of anxiety. “I am.”

“Everything okay?”

No, I wanted to scream. But then what? “I just have an unsolvable problem.”

“Something I can help you with?”

“I wish.”

“Try me. Your mom is good at finding solutions.”

I looked around in jest. “My mom? Then I better go find her.”

“There’s nothing wrong with speaking in the third person.”

“I’m fine, Mom. Really.” This was something only time could solve.

Owen brushed by me in the hall on my way to the bathroom. “It’s been so nice seeing you this week, sis.”

I knew he was being sarcastic. I had hardly been home at all and it was already Saturday and he was irritated. “Sorry.” I felt like I was always apologizing to someone. “Let’s hang out now.”

“Can’t. I actually made plans.”

My phone rang, Lisa’s name flashing across the screen. “Hello,” I answered.

“Hi! Today is my hospital day and I want you to come with me.”

I closed my eyes. Now was the time to say no, when I knew I should stay home. But then I thought about the hour and a half we’d have in the car there and back and how I really needed to talk to someone, so I found myself saying, “Okay.”

A light snow hit the windshield as Lisa and I drove on the freeway to the hospital. The heater in Lisa’s car had stopped working, so the defroster was blasting cold air, and we were both shivering. I wrapped my scarf around my neck three times, then said, “I kissed Dax.” It probably wasn’t the greatest of conditions to tell someone something surprising. The car only swerved a little with her reaction, however, and she corrected it quickly.

“What? When?”

“Last night. We kissed.”

“So . . . not a distraction anymore?”

“I don’t know.”

“Because of Jeff?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about anyone right now.”

“I thought you were in love with Jeff before the accident.”

“Not in love . . . definitely in like.”

“I think Dax screwed you up. If he wasn’t in the picture, you’d know exactly how you felt.”

She was probably right about that. “You think?”

“You’ve known Dax for weeks, Autumn. Weeks. You’ve known Jeff for years. Dax is just some new shiny toy. Jeff is someone who fits with you. Who fits with all of us.”

“I feel like I need to tell Jeff about last night, though. About what happened with Dax. I don’t want to be dishonest.”

“I think you should think about it longer. Decide what you really want. Before you talk to Jeff.”

“Do you hate me?” I asked.

“No! Why would I hate you?”

“I don’t know. Jeff is so likable and everyone loves him and I did something stupid.”

“Autumn.” She reached over and squeezed my hand. “You’re my best friend. I would never hate you. I’m team Autumn all the way. No matter what you decide I’ll be on your side.”

Jeff’s mom, like she often did, greeted us with a hug when we arrived. “He has a surprise for you,” she said.

“A surprise?”

“Come on.” She led us to his hospital room door. “Wait here.”

We stood in the hall as she disappeared into his room.

“What do you think the surprise is?” Lisa asked.

“No idea.”

A few minutes later, the door opened and Jeff was sitting in a wheelchair. “Look who can get around now.”

He looked so much more alert and awake. The drugs they had pumped into his system after the accident must’ve been mostly worked out. “That’s awesome,” I said.