Broken (The Captive #5.5)(42)
Outwardly he kept his face impassive while inwardly he cringed away from her. The pulse of her blood increased, the heightened scent of her lust filled his nose. He didn't think he was going to be able to get back on the proverbial horse, not with this woman at least. The clattering of dice surrounded him but he didn't toss any coin onto the table to join the game.
It felt as if his skin crawled with worms as he rested his palm on her bare thigh. It took all he had not to jerk it away but he forced himself to keep it there. Keep up appearances, he reminded himself sternly.
He grabbed hold of the woman's hand when she went to brush back his hair. His eyes latched onto the bite marks on her inner wrist, disgust and hunger warred to life as he stared at her pulsing blue vein. They were such pathetic creatures, these humans, selling themselves for money and a more secure place in their already insecure world. Death hung over their heads every day and yet they mingled freely amongst those that could end their lives before they could even inhale the next breath they so desperately required. They could never become a vampire, few humans ever survived the change, and yet they still risked their lives to feed those who thought so little of them.
He lifted his eyes to the woman's smoky blue ones. An image of her broken body flooded his mind and for the first time he felt some relief from his ever present torment. Was killing someone what it would take to find some ease from the constant distress of his body? Atticus almost shoved her off of his lap, instead his hand entwined in her hair and he jerked her toward him. Used to such abuse from her patrons, she didn't protest the action but her fingers did curl into his shirt as even in pain she still lusted for him.
He was about to strike, about to drain her dry even if she did taste like sand to him, when images of Genny smiling at him flooded his mind. His body felt like it was being torn in two as the warring desires within him crashed together. He could almost picture his bones fracturing as he was split apart. His vision blurred, even his eyes began to throb and his nose felt as if someone had just punched him in it.
A scream built within him, his fingers tightened on her as more images of Genny poured forth. He could clearly recall the feel of Genny against him and the memories helped to comfort him. His suffering gradually began to subside; he opened his eyes again to find that his vision had returned. He'd thought that everyone would be staring at him, that what had just transpired had lasted hours. Instead it appeared that only seconds had passed as Merle was gathering the dice he had just rolled.
The heartbeat of the woman in his lap drew his eyes back to her vein. To push her away now would only attract attention. Appearances, he reminded himself and sank his teeth into her neck. Sand would have tasted better he thought as he drew her blood into his mouth before releasing her and nudging her away.
Merle gave him a brief nod of approval and then focused on the dice game again.
Atticus was glad that appearances were making his cousin happy, he however felt as if his body had been pummeled by a lion. One side of him was the calm one, the one that had to be with Genny, and the other side was the one that could destroy everyone and everything around him. He was in control for now but he was becoming increasingly uncertain about which side of him was going to win in the end.
CHAPTER 15
July 29th, 1050
I'm sorry it has been so much time since I've written but I simply couldn't bring myself to do it. I can barely bring myself to do anything more than what is required of me in order to keep on surviving.
It's been three weeks since I last saw Atticus. I wish I could say that even if it hasn't been a great three weeks at least something good had come of them. I can't say that though. I miss him every day. I miss him more than I'd ever thought was possible. I'd be destroyed if something were to ever happen to Camille but I feel destroyed now. There's this lump inside of my chest, no not a lump, there's this emptiness that I can't shake. This hole that I've now become convinced will never again be filled.
I can't let it drag me down though. I have Camille to think about. We should have enough money to be able to leave soon. It would be better if we could wait until she was mature but I'm concerned that something is going to happen to her before then if we stay here for much longer. The way Felix watches her makes my skin crawl. I thought about killing him the other night in his sleep but if something were to go wrong, he would kill me. I know he would, and then Camille would be completely on her own and vulnerable to him. Marie and Felix would destroy her if something were to ever happen to me.
My dreams of being free of them both are so close to coming true and yet I feel no happiness. No matter how unhappy I am though, no matter the things I've endured, I will make sure that things are different for Camille. I'll give her the life that she deserves and I'll keep her safe no matter what it takes. I've lost Atticus but I have to think of her now and maybe one day Atticus and I will meet again. I refuse to get my hopes up for that, as there are too many things that can happen to alter the course of one's life over time, but I cannot completely let him go either. I'm not sure I could get out of bed every morning if I did.
I think Camille and I should be able to leave by the end of September. It will still be a good time to travel to France and there should be enough in savings to get us a place and to tide us over for at least a couple of months. I'll probably end up having to steal there too but maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find an honest way to make a living there.