Bring Me Back(69)

Letting go is never an easy thing, but I’ve taken the necessary steps to do it, and now it’s time to commit.

I know I don’t need to see the rest of the apartment to know I want this place, but I look anyway and it only cements my decision.

As Justin locks up I say, “I’ll take it.”

His eyes widen in surprise and he smiles. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I nod, resolute. “It’s perfect.”

Hannah claps her hands together giddily and throws her arms around my neck. “We’ll practically be roommates.” She laughs as she pulls away.

“Great,” Justin says as we start down the stairs. “I’ll get started on the paperwork. Are you okay with a three-month deposit?”

“That’s fine.”

When we reach the second level, Casey and Chloe are waiting outside the door.

“There you are,” Chloe groans. “We’ve been banging on the door for an hour.”

“It has not been an hour.” Hannah moves past me to unlock the door while Justin heads back to the office.

“Who’s that?” Casey asks, watching Justin go downstairs.

“Yeah,” Chloe chimes in. “Who is he? And why were you both up there? Was there some kind of weird threesome going down?”

Hannah pales, and I burst out laughing. “God, no,” Hannah cries. “He’s my landlord. He was showing Blaire the apartment upstairs. Remember me talking about that?”

“I like my theory better.” Chloe shrugs as we all file into Hannah’s apartment. “It’s more interesting.”

“So what’d you think?” Casey asks me, plopping on the couch.

“About what?”

She shakes her head. “The apartment?”

“Oh, right. It was perfect.” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and sit down. “I told him I’d take it.”

“Good,” Casey chimes. “Things are working out for you, aren’t they?” She’s trying not to show it but I can see the worry in her eyes.

“Yeah, I guess so.” My face twitches.

“Honey.” She clucks her tongue in sympathy and takes my hand. “Talk to us.”

“Yeah, that’s what we’re here for,” Hannah says, carrying over the food while Chloe brings plates.

I look at my three friends and see they don’t understand. “I don’t want to burden you with my problems,” I explain. “Not when I can’t shoulder yours too.”

Hannah’s face crumples. “Blaire, that’s what friendship is. Being there for each other no matter what. We understand you’re hurting, we get it, and you can talk to us. Whatever you need to say, we’re here for you.”

“I just … I don’t want anyone’s sympathy,” I explain. “In the beginning, when Ben died, people were constantly saying I’m sorry and tiptoeing around my feelings, and I know that’s normal, but I don’t need that anymore. I’m not broken glass—I promise I won’t cut you if you step on me. In fact, I think I need to be stepped on.” I hold up my hands. “Metaphorically speaking, of course.”

Chloe laughs. “You’re so weird, B.”

I shrug. “I know.”

Casey nudges my shoulder with her arm so I’ll look at her. “Since you’re not broken glass,” she winks, “I want to say that you’re not the only one that lost Ben. He was our friend too. Did you think we haven’t mourned him? That we buried him and that was that? Because it wasn’t, Blaire. We all still miss him.” She motions to the three of them. “I know it’s so much worse for you. I’m not denying that, but for so long you acted like no one else was allowed to be sad but you.”

I wince. She’s right; I know she’s right, but it doesn’t make the words hurt any less.

I take a deep breath, preparing my thoughts before I speak. “Wow,” I begin, “I … I didn’t know I was like that, but now that you say that, I can see how I was and it wasn’t right. I pushed you guys away. I let my grief override everything else—”

“Blaire,” she interrupts me with a soft look and shake of her head, “don’t go down that road. Focus on the positive. It’s been almost seven months since he died and you’re more and more like yourself every day. You’re coming back, and much sooner than I thought you would. Grief is a deep dark hole, and some people never climb back out of it. But you’ve always been stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are a fighter. And Blaire?” She waits for me to nod. “You’re my hero.”

I hug her, holding on tight. “Thank you,” I whisper in her ear.

She nods against my shoulder as I let go.

Hannah reaches over, from where she sits on the coffee table and grabs my hand. “We love you and we’re here for you. Never think that you’re alone in this.”

“Yeah,” Chloe pipes in. “We’re a team.”

I smile at each of them. “I love you guys.” Chloe and Hannah take turns hugging me. “Look at us,” I say with a laugh, “we’re all a bunch of saps.”

They laugh too and I smile even bigger. This feels good, being here with them. I’m not shutting myself away anymore. Day by day I’m getting back to normal … Well, not normal, but a new normal.