Blindness(65)

“A what?!” I say, leaning into him now, no longer afraid, and honestly ready for a fight.

He smiles with the corner of his mouth and raises his shoulders up to show his amusement. He’s getting to me and he knows it, and he’s thriving off of it.

“A what?! What am I?” I say, the quiet all gone. I’m yelling now, pushing my finger into his chest.

Cody puts his cup back down and pushes it away from him, then he leans in close to me, almost as if he’s about to kiss me, but instead stops short. “A bitch,” he says, his lips wrapping around every letter of the word—the flash of regret on his face is instantaneous, but too late all at the same time. He went too far, and I can’t stop my hand from hitting him just as hard as Jessie did the night before.

“Funny, if you think about it, Cody. You keep getting yourself slapped like this, you ought to look inside and see exactly what it is you’re doing wrong,” I say, my breathing hard and my hand stinging. “I think you should take your coffee to go.”

I leave the kitchen and leave him standing there in the dark. I’m barely around the corner when I run into Jessie’s arms. I collapse into them, the tears pouring from my face. I can hear her in my ear, and it’s the only thing keeping me attached to this world.

“Shhhhhhhh, let’s get upstairs. I heard it. I heard it all…you did good, and it’s going to be okay,” she says. I follow her back up to my bedroom and then I crawl into the shower where I sit on the floor and let the water hammer away at my back and head for the next hour.





By the time I get out of the shower and dress, Jessie is just coming back into my room. I look at her with suspicion.

“Yeah, yeah. I went to yell at him some more, so sue me,” she says, flipping her shoes off and collapsing back on my bed, her purple hair splayed in all different directions.

I can’t help but smile at her. I’ve never had a friend like her—I’ve never had a girlfriend, period—and having someone fight for me, help fight my battles? Well, it just makes the heartbreak more bearable.

“What’s that face for?” she says, her lips twisted and bothered.

“Nothin’,” I say, sitting next to her and smiling, “just…thanks. That’s all. Thanks.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she says. But I know it is. I know that Cody is her brother, and picking me—standing with me on this, isn’t easy.

“Yes, it is,” I smile at her, and she smiles back.

“So, when you picking up Trevor?” she asks, getting back to her feet and running her fingers through her hair. I walk into my bathroom and come out with a brush to toss to her.

“I was about to leave. I don’t drive the highways well. Thought I should leave plenty of time to make sure I get there on time, find his gate, all that stuff,” I say. “You wanna come?”

“Nah. That’d be weird. I’m going to hang out. Cody said he’d give me a ride to the shop later. He’s meeting Gabe there to finish up a few things,” she says.

I raise one eyebrow at her, a little worried about her being alone in a car with Cody after the position I’ve put her in.

“What? You’re worried about me?” she says. “Please…I yell at that boy on a daily basis. Fucking up shit with you is just his latest dumb-ass move. And I know why he’s being such a jackass.”

I know, too. It’s because I’ve led him on, because I kissed him, and then I went and said yes to his brother’s proposal; because I freaked out like a jealous girlfriend when he went out with someone else—like I have any ownership rights over him at all. I’m almost shrinking as I think about my recent behavior. God, I’ve been so selfish.

“He can’t help it. He’s in love with you,” she says, as she grabs her purse and bag and steps through my bedroom door. When she realizes I’m not following her, she stops and turns to face me. “Oh, like you don’t know. Cody loves you. And you love him back. You two just have rotten timing. But you can’t marry Trevor—I don’t care how good he is. We’ll figure that part out later.”

She pushes her smile up into her dimples, and pats my shoulders as she turns to leave. “I’ll see you at Thanksgiving. I told Cody that if he was planning on bringing Kyla into this house that I was going to be here to referee—or take that bitch out myself. Make sure you set some extra plates for me and Gabe,” she shouts over her shoulder as the door closes behind her.

I sit there on the steps, stunned. Everything seems so obvious to Jessie, and I wonder if it’s that obvious to myself. I know how I feel—I’m done pretending. But I thought I was alone in this. And when I found out Cody was turning to Kyla, I was pretty sure my feelings were totally one-sided.

Grabbing my jacket, I peer out the front window to see if Cody’s out there. I see him in his garage, and he’s laughing, giving Jessie a hard time about something. She picks up one of his old Tshirts and throws it at him, and he ducks. I’m smiling watching them, wishing I were there, wishing I had the same comfort level with Cody that Jessie does.

In that moment, I realize just how right Jessie is—at least as far as my own feelings are concerned. I’m spying on him, too much of a coward to tell him how I feel, too fearful to be with them. But I don’t see the same reflected in Cody’s eyes. He doesn’t look upset; he doesn’t even look like what’s happening between him and me is of any consequence to him at all. I feel like a game, some toy he’s messing with in between moments of his life. And I’m not sure I can give up what I can count on—a life with Trevor—for the chance that one day I might be able to make Cody feel the same.