Blindness(63)

“How could he, Jessie? After everything she did to him? How could he?” I say through my tears. I’m crying even harder now, and I don’t know how it’s possible. Gabe can’t help but hear me, and he steps out onto the driveway with a wet towel. Jessie pulls me by the hand back to my feet, and we walk to him. I take the towel and bury my face in it, thankful for its warmth.

I feel Gabe’s hand rub my back, and then I feel his lips kiss my forehead as he pulls me into his embrace. I just stand there with him all around me, shivering.

“Goddammit. I’m really shit at this, I’m so sorry, Charlie. I told him. But he’s so f*cking stubborn,” Gabe says, his hands rubbing my back with force, trying to will me to stop my tears. I manage to get them to subside for a moment so I can talk.

“What did you tell him?” I say, my lip quivering from emotion and the freezing weather outside.

Gabe just lets his hands fall to the side, and I see him lock gazes with Jessie behind me.

“He told him how you feel,” Jessie says, and I flip around with shock at her words.

“He…what?!” I say, suddenly feeling betrayed by the only girlfriend I’ve ever had.

“Hey, I didn’t tell him. Jesus, Charlie…I didn’t have to. It’s obvious from a mile away, and anyone who’s ever seen you two as much as look at one another knows how badly you want one another,” Jessie says.

I slap my hands over my face and try to rewind through everything that’s happened. “Oh god, oh god, oh god,” I say, sliding my feet back into the garage and to the office couch. “Jessie…it was supposed to be him.”

She’s looking at me like I’m deranged, probably wondering if I’m drunk or if I hit my head outside. I need Jessie to understand. I don’t know why, but for some reason having her on my team feels like the only chance I have to survive whatever this is that I’m going through. I tell her everything, about the first time we kissed, about Cody and Trevor, and about how Cody skipped the Dean’s party, and how I’m convinced—more than ever—that I would have fallen for him that night instead of Trevor…if he just would have gone.

By the time I’m done, it’s two in the morning, and Gabe’s wrapping up his work for the night. I feel guilty that I’ve taken up so much of Jessie’s time, but I’m clinging to her, like she’s the only thing holding me together. And as we’re getting ready to leave, locking up the garage, I feel the tears start up again.

“Charlie…are you going to be okay tonight?” she says, stopping just as she’s about to get in the car with Gabe.

“Yeah, yeah…I’ll…I’ll be fine,” I say, doing my best to mask how afraid I am to go home—how afraid I am to face whatever is next.

Jessie leans in the car and says something to Gabe, then he reaches over to give her a kiss. She grabs her bag and walks toward me while Gabe pulls away, and I feel a little air lift my lungs, allowing me to breathe.

“Come on, let’s go home. I’m staying with you tonight,” she says, reaching for my keys and taking over everything. And I let her.

We don’t talk during the ride home, and Jessie leaves the radio off after the first song that plays is one about a girl getting her heart broken. I almost laugh at the irony, but what’s mortifying is how much that simple song affects me, making my eyes tear up for the fifth time tonight.

Jessie turns the headlights off as she pulls up the driveway and parks my car close to the front door. I wait in the passenger seat while she walks around the car to open my door. I’m utterly dependent on her for everything, and I’m eternally grateful that she’s in my life.

I wrap my fingers around her forearm while I stand, and I reach my other hand into my hair to brush the strands out of my face from the chilling wind that’s settled into the night.

Then I see his headlights, and I’m frozen.

“Don’t move. Don’t even move from this spot. I’m begging you Charlie. Let me do this, okay?” Jessie says close to my ear. I trust her—she’s all I have right now.

Cody steps from the truck and starts to walk in our direction, the look on his face full of concern. Jessie doesn’t let him get closer than a few steps, though, as she strides at him with fierce determination. I even think I see a small amount of fear in his eyes.

I can’t hear them—and I’m torn between wanting to and wishing I could melt into the ground beneath me. Jessie’s hands are waving around her, and more than once she grabs Cody’s arm and stops him from passing her, from heading toward me. He’s rubbing the back of his neck, and he keeps pushing his hand through his hair.

My feet are planted firmly where she left me; I do as she said, despite the overwhelming urge to let my emotions run my body. I fight against the desire to run to him, not knowing if I would pound on his chest, or throw myself around him and kiss his mouth until I felt the scratch of his chin hard against my skin.

He’s pacing now, walking away from her, but coming back to her and pointing. I hear bits and pieces. He keeps saying, “You don’t understand.” But I don’t know what Jessie’s saying in return.

And then suddenly everything stops. Cody’s posture wanes, his shoulders slump, and his chin falls to his chest. Jessie turns to look at me. Slowly Cody’s face rises until he’s staring right at me; his eyes say just how sorry he is, and his half-smile is nothing happy at all. And I can’t help the flow of tears that come from looking at him. I gasp a little and bring my fist up to my mouth, biting on it in an attempt to stop myself from letting go of too much.