Bittersweet Symphony (Bittersweet #4)(38)

“No,” I say, somehow finding my voice. I so badly want to take him into my arms and tell him it will be okay, but I know that isn’t what he needs.

“Are you sure?” He says, his fingers gripping my neck harder. There’s no pain, just discomfort.

Then it dawns on me that he thinks he can hurt me and others, that he’s his father. He is wrapped up in his very own dark world, letting the thoughts assault him.

“I know you’re in there somewhere, Ryder. Find your way out, find your way back to me,” I beg, my hands landing in fists against his chest. He’s warm, and I’m so wrapped up in the feeling that I don’t realize we are moving until my back slams into the wall. His body pins mine, a feral look in his eyes as the bottle of whiskey hits the floor.

I can’t breathe, and I can’t force myself to close my eyes. I can do nothing to protect myself from him.

“This is me, Kennedy. The person you thought you knew never existed. My father killed him a long time ago.” His hand skims over my chest, my heartbeat skyrocketing to a point where I’m afraid I will die.

I am getting wrapped up in him, his touch, the way his eyes sear into mine. His hand drifts further south, cupping me between my legs. I know what he needs. He needs to unleash the aggression, to hate something other than himself.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted you?” he growls into my skin. The sound is animalistic, but it turns me on in so many ways. His other hand comes up, pushing the side of my shirt down. Goosebumps break out across my skin as he plants a wet kiss on my shoulder.

“Ryder…” I mean to say his name, but it comes out sounding way more like a moan. His lips nibble my skin ferociously, as if it’s his dying wish to worship me. Every time his lips land on my skin, I can feel part of him branding me.

“You were the only real thing in my life. The only thing I ever had a chance at loving and making right. But now… Now it’s all gone to shit…”

“No it…” His finger touches my lips, shushing me.

“It did, Kennedy. Sam knows. He knows everything. He knows every secret and he’s going to spill them. He’s going to out me to the world. No one will see me as Ryder ever again, but merely a boy who is beaten, whose dreams were crushed over and over again.”

“Ryder…” I try saying again. I want to bring him back to me, pull him out of the dark abyss of his mind.

“No!” he screams, his fist landing right next to my head. My eyes grow large, real fear radiating out of me. I’m not sure if it is the mere look of fear in my eyes or the actual thought that he might hit me or something else that brings him out of it. He blinks slowly, his eyes clearing for the first time since I came here. He takes a step back, his gaze swinging around the room at the mess he has created.

His fist clenches, causing his biceps to bulge.

“It’s okay… We’ll clean it…” I say trying to soothe him.

“Stop. Just stop. Leave. Get. Out.” He grits his teeth with every word he says. I have to make a choice: leave and let him crumble and burn or stay and do something about it. It’s a good thing I’m not a quitter, isn’t?

“No!” I yell, determined to break him so I can build him back up. His head raises, anger rolling off of him. I can’t do this push and pull with him again. If he pushes this time, I will push back. I will give it my all, because the only chance I have at making him see his worth is standing right in front of him.

“No?” he says like he isn’t sure if he heard me correctly.

“Yup. No.” I say, taking determined steps until I am right in front of him. He wants to be mad, then we will be mad. I am not leaving this place until I have my Ryder back.

“Are you sure about that, Kennedy? Because all I want to do right now is bury myself as far inside you as I can. Do you want that? Do you want me to f*ck you? It won’t be gentle and nice like you deserve, but it will be everything I’ve always envisioned.”

The wetness between my legs grows second by second. I want to be dangerous, to go to the edge with him and never come back. I want to beg and plead.

“Then do it,” I say dangerously. A flash of something I’ve never seen shows in his eyes. Then he’s on me, devouring me one kiss at a time. My back hits the wall as he pulls at my shirt, the fabric giving way to his aggression.

I want him more now than ever before. His fingers feel every inch of my body, he is trembling with need as am I. By the time we make it to the bedroom, all clothing is lost. He pushes me down onto the bed. My stomach is twisting in knots as he settles himself in between my legs. His hand comes up to my cheek, holding my face in place.

“You know I’ve always loved you….” he whispers into my ear. It’s the first time he has said he loves me or even brought up the word. I find it strange in the moment.

He pushes into me in the next moment, without warning. I tense up, my muscles not wanting to give way to such a large thing entering me.

“I’ll try my hardest to be gentle…for you,” he pants, sliding in all the way. Pain sparks settle deep into my muscles and bones.

Tears prick at my eyes, and he looks at me with the deepest love I have ever seen. So deep, that I know I have found him again.

I bring my hand up to his cheek. “I love you, too.” He pulls out, and slides back in again. Kisses pepper my chest and neck, making me wetter with every caress. His movements are slow and graceful, but that’s not what I want. I want Ryder for who he is, and though I know he will be gentle for me, I don’t want him to be.