Bittersweet Symphony (Bittersweet #4)(22)
***
The beach is a popular place today. Ryder and I came with Jenna and Mimi, but I ended up walking off with Ryder. They wanted to go shopping, and I couldn’t see Ryder doing that kind of thing, so here we are getting to know each other better.
“You realize how bad all this sugar is for you, right?” I ask as we dig into some ice cream. The sweetness of the vanilla and strawberries paired with the sand between my toes causes a warm, fuzzy feeling to flow over me.
The waves of the ocean can be heard from the pier, and the smell of salt fills my nose. I have only seen the ocean a handful of times, and each time was just as amazing as the first. It is even better with Ryder next to me.
We both look out into the ocean, the deep blue as many call it; the sand is a dull brownish color. Even though classes are in full swing, it seems like everyone and their God damn mothers were here.
“It’ll go right to my thighs…” he says, laughing as he mocks girls in general.
“What thighs?” I joke back. The man is made of muscle; his thighs don’t have any fat on them, and though he isn’t one of those muscled up meat heads, I know he can totally take anyone who tries to mess with him.
“I have thighs, Blondie…” Sure he does, I think to myself while shaking my head and forcing myself to not think about thighs and Ryder in the same sentence. Wisps of my hair fall onto my face, clinging to the sticky goodness that coats my lips.
“This is so good… How did I not know about this place?” I am in love with ice cream, absolutely in f*cking love; it is my kryptonite as Ryder has already figured out. I know all there is to know about the ice cream shops in Southern California, so how I missed this one…yeah, I had to have been drunk or something.
“It’s the little places like this that go unnoticed” his words have two meanings, and we both know it. I went soft earlier, knowing that was what he needed. Now, I am over being soft; I want to talk about it.
“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” I inquire, taking a bite of my ice cream and readjusting myself on the bench so I can face him more. He stares ahead, his eyes on the water.
“A lot is going on in my head. It hit me earlier just how big of a problem all of this is for me. How I just followed my brother and Corey out here, and for what?” Frustration drips from every word, and I get the feeling he has been sitting on this a long time.
“To watch everyone find happiness? To just put myself through this shit all over? To never be known as anything but a shadow to my brother? I couldn’t stay at my dad’s place, Kennedy, couldn’t stay while everyone else went off to college. My father forced me to stay when Rex moved and went to Monroe High with Corey. I couldn’t stay back again. I knew if I did, I would’ve killed him.”
I gasp, not quiet knowing what to say. Rage is always right under the surface with him, just a pin prick away.
“No, you wouldn’t have, Ryder,” I reply, setting my hand on his knee to comfort him. The look he shoots me should’ve had me running and hiding, but it doesn’t.
He bends forward, so our noses are almost touching. The wind blows, stirring up the salt of the ocean. Our gazes meet and remain locked, even as people walk by staring and the salt stings and assaults our eyes.
“I would have. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t. Given the chance, I know I would. He had already killed and broke me. At the very least, ending his pathetic life would have been worth it.” His teeth clench as he speaks; I worry his jaw is going to snap from the pressure he is putting on it.
His hand reaches out to grab a lock of my blonde hair that had loosened from behind my ear.
“I know you want to think that I’m the good guy, that I would never do anything wrong or hurt anyone. You have seen the good in me, but I’m not that person. I’m bad. I’m broken. And I’m not even sure I’m capable of whatever is going on between us.”
“Why are you telling me this?” There has to be a reason; most of those things I already knew.
“Because if I f*ck this up, which I will, I want you to know that it wasn’t you. It was me. I was never meant to be the good guy in this fairytale.”
I roll my eyes at him. Clearly he has been watching too much Disney. Never in my life would I associate Ryder and fairytale in the same sentence.
“I want you to remember that no one’s perfect, Ryder, and that being angry and hating your dad for what he did is okay. You don’t have to feel guilty for feeling the way you do.”
There’s a pang of guilt that hits me just then. I am giving him the very advice I should give myself. I shouldn’t have ever felt guilty for not wanting to be with Sam.
“No one knows though, which makes it worse. Everyone assumes he’s someone that he isn’t. I hate him, and sometimes I even hate myself for allowing these things to happen, for allowing myself to get so far off track that I can’t even enjoy the simple things with you for fear that I’ll lose it. I’m not socially acceptable to society.”
I let out a snort and laugh that come out sounding like a pig on crack. “Who is? Tell me one person who doesn’t have a problem like us.” I glare at him, giving him that look between a mother who knows best and a friend ready to rip him a new one. Ryder has no self-esteem; when it comes to himself he is scared and afraid. He’s still that little boy who is constantly being beaten, even though he’s all grown up now.