Bittersweet Symphony (Bittersweet #4)(21)

“We can talk about it…” I say softly, keeping my voice void of my own emotions. I don’t want him to think that he can’t feel the way he does, but I also don’t want push my feelings on him.

Silence passes, and fear clings to me. If we can’t talk about something so simple is there even hope for us? For him?

I look up from the ugly carpeting on the floor to meet his stare. His eyes give way to every emotion that he’s feeling; he’s afraid, angry, and pissed. I know that whatever other reasons he has to hide behind that ice force field were big ones.

“Have you ever simply just been somewhere? Existing but not really doing anything else? Kind of like the air surrounding us. It’s just here for our use, so we can breathe it in and breathe it out.” I nibble on my bottom lip, my eyes shifting to the window. It’s beautiful outside. The sun is shining, but yet it feels dark and bleak. I know it has nothing to do with the weather; the real problem is whatever is bothering Ryder.

“I think we all go through parts of life like that… We all sometimes just exist but don’t really live,” I explain. His eyes cut to me, the very look on his face clings to me. He’s defeated; he’s losing it.

“Would you be my reason to exist, Kennedy? Would you follow me into the dark to be with me?” His words hit me like cold water. I never realized how gone he is. He’s battling something that I’m not sure I can save him from.

I take the three steps that separate us and put myself directly in front of him. Grabbing his hand, I place mine inside it.

“I’ll follow you wherever you go, Ryder. But just know I won’t let you go; I won’t give up on you when the times get hard.” I mean every word I say.

A calmness sweeps over him, and in an instant, I am against the wall. Ryder softly kisses a path from my neck down to my chest. The sensations flowing through me are overwhelming from the roughness of his hands on my legs to the texture of his tongue as it slides over my skin to the prick of pain when he bites down on my earlobe. It is all too much...

I let out a moan instead of saying stop…

We really need to stop.

I take my shaking hand and place it against his chest, pushing softly. His muscles are tense, and when he pulls away, it looks as if it is the very last thing he ever wanted to do.

Yeah, the feeling is completely mutual, Ryder… I would love to take you…

“Should we get going to wherever it is you want to go?” I can’t believe I am going to skip classes to go with him somewhere. I run my fingers through my hair. Fuck, this man can do things to me that I never thought possible.

A smile lights up his face, which in turn causes me to smile.

“We’re going to the beach, and then I have somewhere special I want to take you tonight.” His voice is just above a whisper, flowing into my ears and through my veins.

“Okay…” I mumble, walking over to the oak dresser that holds my TV. Rifling through it, I snag a blue bikini. Now I need to find a dress to go over it. My face grows red. I have to tell him to get out of my room now, so I can get dressed; because I was certain if he stayed in here while I changed, little clothing would be put on, and even more would be taken off.

“Can you step out…?” I say gesturing toward the door. He smiles, his eyes twinkling at me as he checks out the bikini in my hands.

“Do I make you nervous, K?” he asks, his fingers gliding over my shoulder. I shake my head, knowing if I talk I will probably say “yes, you make me so nervous I want to puke,” and he did. Ryder awoke something in me that no one else has been able to. He has been here for me when no one else was; even when he couldn’t hold himself together, he held me together.

His hand slides down my arm and back up until he places it directly over my erratically beating heart. It beats harder once he places his hand on my chest.

“Your heart’s beating like a trapped rabbits,” he observes, smiling lazily. It is then that I become very aware of the fact that I am only wearing a tank top and a pair of very skimpy sleep shorts.

“You scare me…”

I watch him as he tries to pull his hand away, guilt crossing his face. I reach out, grabbing it to hold him in place.

“I mean in a good way; you scare me in a good way.” I am barely able to get the words out between my heart racing and feeling like there isn’t enough oxygen in the room. I think I am going to die.

“What do you mean?” he questions as his eye brow raises.

“I mean this…” I say gesturing to us. “Everything that you’re doing right now scares me. From the way you look at me as if I’m your world to the fact that you trust me enough to tell me your secrets. Your trust, your faith in me…scare me. It scares me that we could hurt each other so badly. We could be the very thing that we both need, or the very thing that pushes us off the cliff.”

I hear his sharp intake of breath. His chest is rising and falling, and then it expands before he wraps his arms around me to hold me tightly.

“It scares me too…” he murmurs into my ear. His breath on my skin causes goose bumps to rise all over. “But you know what Kennedy? It would be worth it to have even a slice of you. So while we’re both scared, let’s do with the time we have.”

I know what his words mean, and as I wrap my arms tightly around him, I know that if we give it our all, we can bring each other out of the dark. We can save each other from the hurt.