Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(7)

“What if I love you?”

“You can’t love me. You’re confusing lust and infatuation with the real thing. Trust me, we don’t have love. We’ve got nothing in common. I’m as old as your father. My daughter is your best friend. It’s a crush, and I wish I never let it play out.”

She was now in hysterics. “Why does it hurt so much?”

“Because it does. We’ve hurt people, and now each other. You’re scared of what comes next.”

I knew she was going to argue with me, though it wouldn’t do any good. Nothing could take the pain away from the image of my wife’s face when she’d caught me. I’d never regretted anything so much before. Now it was going to take a ton of convincing to prove to her how sincere I was about working things out. This girl was just a fling. She meant nothing to me, not in a romantic way. I never told her I loved her. If she assumed I did, it was her own fault.

“Please, Grayson. Don’t do this to me.”

“Do what? I’m being honest here. You’re just a confused girl, Kyla. I said I was sorry. I don’t know what else you expect of me. Once my daughter finds out what we’ve done, she’ll never forgive either of us. I’ve probably ruined my life for a few good times. I know you don’t understand, but I’ve devoted my life to my family, and now I’ve screwed it all up. They may never forgive me. I could lose everything.”

“You’d still have me,” she added.

“I can’t do this. I’m hanging up. If you’re a smart girl you’ll lose my number and try to forget the things we did.”

“Please don’t…” I couldn’t listen to her pleas any longer. I felt sick to my stomach. I needed to get a room and think about what I was going to do next. My wife didn’t want to see me, and who could blame her? I’d f*cked up. I’d let a little ass ruin my marriage, and that’s exactly what it was coming to. Rachel was a strong-willed woman. She was set in her ways and liked being in control of the situation. I admired her strength, and the way she was able to manage multiple problems at once. This though, this broke her. I saw it in her desperate eyes. She was broken – lost – destroyed, all because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants. I saw an opportunity to feel young again and I dove right in, knowing the consequences would bite me in the ass at some point. I made the decision out of greed. I wanted to feel empowered; like I was able to get someone young and attractive. For a little while I felt like the king of the world. I thought I’d get away with it. The more it happened, the harder it was to imagine getting caught.

I suppose having her over to my house was the worst decision. I’d rather my wife have found out another way, so she wouldn’t have been able to see and hear it. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to look into her eyes without seeing betrayal and hate. I was lucky she didn’t find some way to murder me. I’d certainly never experienced her this upset in our years together.

I thought about calling my daughter, but what could I say? I wasn’t going to tell her what I’d done over the phone. This was someone she thought of as a sister. As her father, I knew she’d lose respect for me. The thought of losing my little girl over this made me want to drive off a bridge. How could I have been so blinded by lust? Better yet, how in the hell was I going to fix the mess I made?

It took me a while before I could get my shit together enough to walk into a hotel and seek out a room. Once I did, I went inside and closed the door, looking around at the décor. Rachel wouldn’t approve of this place. She’d say the linens were out of date, as well as the furniture. She’d complain about the germs found on the carpet, and even the remote control. I didn’t even want to think about what she’d say about the bathroom.

I couldn’t worry about what she’d think. I had to get myself together, and come to grips with the consequences of my actions.

After a long shower, where I actually wept, I wiped the steam away from the mirror and stared at my reflection. I hated the person looking back at me; the one who’d stray from his wife, his daughter, and the sanctity his family stood for. The person who’d put his own selfish needs before everyone else. I despised this man, and I didn’t know how to overcome it.

I thought back to earlier in the morning when I’d received the call from Kyla. She sent me a message of her in a towel. I dreaded looking at my phone and erasing it, because it would bring back the guilt once more. I’d been consumed by her. Everything she asked of me I did, like a little puppet. I wanted more, because what she offered blew my mind. I hadn’t felt promiscuous since being a teen, perhaps I’d never been very adventurous in the sack, given the reason why I acted so reckless when it came to Kyla. Acting on impulse was easy, considering it had been a while since I’d been intimate with my wife. She didn’t have to try hard to tempt me. That first time overwhelmed me. I couldn’t help myself. I had to have her – to take what was forbidden. It was invigorating and terrified me at the same time. I’d never done something taboo, and the fact that it was with someone half my age – someone I’d known since childhood, well it made me feel like I was invincible.

The first time we messed around I didn’t know how to react. We were sitting on the couch watching television. She was at the opposite end with her knees up to her chest. She kept fiddling with her fingernails, paying little attention to the football commentary happening on the television screen. I was engulfed in the show, following up on a game I’d fallen asleep watching. They were doing the highlights, running recaps of the top plays.