Belong (Seven Year Itch #3)(60)

Always in your debt,

Charles



It took me five days to read the letter from Charles, partly because I feared what it would be like to read something he’d written just for my eyes. Like I’d assumed, he’d pushed me to be with Chad, leaving me broken and confused.

Adamant to overcome my own emotions, I vowed to keep going on with my life, as if nothing happened, though it was going to be more difficult than I ever could have imagined.



The utter grief I experienced as Chad walked out of my life carried on for days. There were many times I yearned to pick up the phone, just so I'd be able to hear his voice. I wanted to regret our time together, because I knew if it had never happened I wouldn't have had to experience this type of emptiness.

Crying had become a habitual release. I'd do well during the day only to come home and feel the emptiness I had in my heart. Pushing Chad away had been nothing but a selfless act. He needed a solution to his situation, so taking myself out of the equation was the easier way to give him closure.

I thought after time passed I'd be able to move on, much like I'd done years before. I'd been able to manage the empty place he'd left when he walked away from me by focusing on my marriage and the possibility of being able to repair what had been broken.? This time it was different. There wasn't anyone begging for another chance. I didn't have a backup plan to bide my time, or a husband desperate to comfort me; to prove he was the man I needed. I suppose my life with Grayson was meant to play out the way it had. I may have not gotten to say goodbye, but I could certainly and be thankful I got to share eight more years of happiness before he lost his life.

Love was precious, especially to me. How many people can say they loved two amazing men for all the right reasons? They both loved me back too, which is why it had been so difficult.

Now I was enduring unimaginable depression. I'd sacrificed a second chance for a little girl who needed her father. I'd made the right decision, even though I wished he’d come walking back into my life and never let me go.

When baby Grayson came into the world there was only one person I wanted to share my blessed news with. ?As bad of an idea as I knew it was, I picked up the phone and took a chance that he still had the additional cellular device he'd purchased for me to be able to reach him. It rang only once before his voice popped on the line.

"I'm unavailable to take your call, but I check my messages daily. If this is my Rachel I urge you to leave me a message. I'm a mess without you, babe. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay away this time. I love you."



My stomach knotted up while listening to his words.

Then I hung up from the call without saying anything.

Being so far away from Chad was taking a discerning toll on me, but thankfully I had a new grandson to spend all my free time with. Grayson James was born on a Monday afternoon, at two p.m. He came out with a head full of hair and a set of puckered lips.

The moment I heard his little cry I knew a part of Grayson was going to live on. Stephanie and her husband celebrated her late father’s life by naming their son after him. It was beautiful and unexpected, causing a lot of emotional tears for me.

While I left them to rest at the hospital, I headed home, calling Chad again as soon as I pulled out of the parking garage. I wasn’t thinking about the repercussions, or the fact that I’d called his direct office line at work. He answered with his nonchalant response. “You’ve got Chad.”

“It’s a boy. He’s beautiful. She named him after Grayson.” I could hardly speak through my pleased sobs. “He’s perfect, Chad.”

It took a few seconds for him to respond, probably because he was shocked I’d contacted him after weeks without communicating. “That’s great, Rach. I’m very happy for you.”

The line was quiet. I didn’t know what to say to make it less awkward. Suddenly I realized what I’d done. I closed my eyes hoping I could somehow wish it away like young children did in fairytales.

“Rach, are you still there?”

“Yes,” I managed to get out.

“I miss you, babe. You might not be calling to hear it, but you need to know. I’m doing the best I can, but it’s becoming impossible, especially when it’s obvious there’s an alternate life I could be living.”

“Don’t talk like that. We made the right decision. I shouldn’t have called. It’s too soon.”

He chuckled. “ Too soon? I waited ten years to be with you again. It’s never too soon. Let me come see you.”

“No. It was hard enough saying goodbye the second time around. Let’s just stop pretending it’s going to get better. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Then I should hang up. I’m sorry, Chad. I wish it could be different for us.”

“Rach, I love you. Just know I love you,” he repeated.

“I do.” I moved the phone away from my ear and hit the end button, seeing how shaky my hands had become.

I had to pull the car over to calm down enough to be able to focus on the road. My eyes burned from my makeup running in them, and I feared looking in the mirror to witness my appearance would be someone I didn’t even recognize.

How had my life fallen apart so easily, and why couldn’t I focus on all the good instead of the one thing I couldn’t have?