Belong (Seven Year Itch #3)(59)
“You’re right. It’s not. My life may be a mess at the moment, but it will change. I’ll live two separate lives if I have to, at least until we can get it figured out.”
“Once Veronica is far enough along you could feel comfortable with being here more, don’t you think?”
“Yeah. She won’t be able to hold an abortion over my head, that’s for sure. We’re just going to have to figure out the Harper situation. God knows I don’t want to be away from my kids, but I also don’t want to be without you either.”
“I could move to California. We talked about it before.”
“Your job is here is D.C., and so is my families estate. Your daughter is here. It’s not an easy fix. I can’t ask you to leave your daughter and grandchild behind so I can be with mine. It’s not right.”
“My daughter is a grown woman.”
“Who needs her mother now more than ever. It’s not a feasible option and you know it. We need to consider everyone.”
“That’s our problem, Chad. We’re always worried about everyone else.”
She was right, but what could we do? Neither one of us wanted to change, especially to become selfish. As much as we both longed to have a relationship, we knew it was going to become difficult, at least for the next eighteen years. “What do you think we should do?”
She shrugged. “I know what would be best for everyone we love.”
“Don’t you dare say it,” I sat up and looked right at her, fearing what she was implying because I knew that look on her face wasn’t anything good.
“We’ve waited ten years. What’s another ten? Fifteen even?”
“You’re asking for the impossible, Rach. I can’t let go of you, not again.”
Rachel climbed off the mattress. She stood over the bed staring at me with her eyes becoming filled with liquid. “I’d rather not have you at all, then wish we could be together every second. It will consume me. I’ve had time to think about this, Chad. I’m not suggesting it to hurt you. It’s killing me to accept it. It’s not fair, because I feel like you belong with me. I thought this was our chance, but now there’s a baby involved, and you have a life to figure out across the country. I can’t be your distraction, and I also can’t sit around wondering when I’ll have a visit. It’s not fair, and the idea of it will keep me from being productive in the rest of my life.”
“What are you saying to me? Stop running around with words and come out with it. Are you telling me you don’t want this?”
She shook her head, her facing curling up as she began to cry heavily. “I’m saying I have to let you go. I have to be the one this time, because I know you’ll sacrifice too much to make us work. I can’t let you do it.”
“No. I won’t let you.” I kneeled on the bed, taking her hands into mine as she stood at my height. “You can’t mean this.”
“I need you to forgive me. I’ll sign the house back over to you. If you want to sell it, I won’t stop you. I don’t want the money. Put it in a savings account for the kids. This has to end. We’ve got to let go.” She cried harder, falling into my chest. “You know this is the right decision, you’re just too hurt to admit it. I love you. God, I love you so much it’s killing me, but it’s my decision. You did it for me ten years ago, and I’m doing it for you now.”
“I can’t say goodbye to you.”
“Then I’ll say it for both of us,” she whispered. “I will never stop loving you, Chad. Go be a father to your children. Take care of your business and the problems in your marriage. I hope that I’ll see you again so we can have that second chance, but if I don’t, I’ll know it’s because you were able to let go; to move on with your life in spite of what we could have been. I’ll never regret being with you for this short amount of time. You’ve shown me life wasn’t over. I can still be happy.”
Everything was becoming blurry. I could feel a burn in both eyes, while holding her close. It felt like ten years before, except this time she was the one lying through her teeth in order for us to not have to choose. I could have argued, but what good would it have done? She was right. It wasn’t fair for her to sit around and wait for my kids to become adults. Rachel had a life before me, and one now without me.
“I’ll never stop loving you either.”
I held her in my arms until morning, leaving before she could wake up and give me more reasons to get back in bed. My heart was torn. I felt like there’d be no resolution.
Walking back in the mansion and seeing my daughter made it all clear. She needed me, and I had to be the man she could count on, because it was the reason Rachel loved me so much.
Chapter 32
My dearest Rachel,
If you’re reading this I’ve gone off to greener pastures, well let’s at least hope that’s where I am. You’re probably still in shock that I’ve left you and Chad the estate. You two never should have hidden your relationship from me. I could tell from the beginning something was going on, but when I discovered the truth it was already too late to help. You’d gone back to Grayson, and I’d lost my grandson when he moved across the country.
I don’t blame you for his decision. I respect why he did it, but I’ll never be able to comprehend how he could walk away from something so real. Yep, I said it. Even my disbelief can’t heal your broken hearts. My last dying wish is for the two of you to be reunited. I’ve asked my grandson to spend some time with you. Reconnect. If nothing comes of it, you can pretend it never happened. Remember, I’ll be watching you. I’ve always thought of Chad as my son, and you as family. Maybe it’s because the two of you were meant to be together. Maybe in my old age I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe my heart medicine is making me see things that aren’t real. You deserve to be happy, Rachel, and I’ve never seen you smile the way you did when you were with my grandson. Live for you.