Baking and Babies (Chocoholics #3)(45)

“Of course not,” Tyler replies. “I’m not an idiot. It’s just two totes of marijuana, not an entire trunk load.”

Mom and I both shake our heads and I wonder if I should start restraining her now or wait until she makes a lunge for his throat.

“The dried buds are all carefully sealed in zip lock bags, don’t worry.”

Grandma drops her arms to her sides and studies Tyler for a few seconds.

“Buds as in flower buds? Like house plants?” she asks.

“Sure, just like house plants,” Tyler nods, deciding it’s best to humor her so she stops screaming about hush money.

“Well, in that case, put them in my trunk and I’ll take them to my house,” she informs him.

“Mom!” my mother yells.

“Oh, Liz, it’s fine. You know Drew and Jenny don’t have green thumbs and they’ll just kill the plants. I can water the ganja on Thursday when I water my ferns and lilies,” she informs her.

“Excuse me, could you say that one more time, a little louder? Stan, get a mic on her, would ya?”

We all turn and see a guy standing behind us in the hallway with a huge camera on his shoulder, while another guy stands next to him holding a long metal pole with a giant microphone attached to the end.

“Surprise!” Mom says with fake enthusiasm. “The big announcement is that Claire and I were asked to do a documentary about our daily lives and running a business.”

Grandma quickly smooths her hair back and straightens her clothes, smiling brightly for the camera.

“I don’t know if I’m comfortable being on television, Liz,” she whispers through her smile.

“It’s a little late for that, Ganja Grandma,” Mom mutters.

The front door opens and Tyler jumps out of the way as Ava pokes her head inside.

“The limo is here, bitches!” she shouts. “Any female who plans on being a drunk whore tonight should immediately report to the driveway!”

Mom groans, closing her eyes and dropping her head.

“What’s with the camera?” Ava asks, staring at the two strangers in the hallway, happily recording the shit show in front of them.

“Oh, no big deal. They’re just filming a documentary on our family,” I inform her. “You’re just in time for the episode about Grandma becoming a drug dealer.”

The camera and sound guy quickly turn away from us when the guys walk out of the living room in the middle of a heated argument.

“I jerked-off into socks when I was a teenager, for Christ’s sake. It’s not like I still do it now!” Marco yells loudly, coming to a quick stop when he sees the camera and microphone.

Dad, Uncle Drew, and Uncle Carter all slam into the back of him when he stops so suddenly.

“What the hell, M.O.? Did your crusty socks stick to the floor or something?” Uncle Drew asks with a laugh. “Hey, are we on TV?!”

I quickly skirt around the camera crew and up to Marco, going up on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek and a sympathetic pat against his chest.

“It’s fine, I’m sure this thing isn’t going to air on any major networks or anything,” I whisper.

“Actually, it’s probably going to be syndicated on the Discovery Channel in all fifty states,” the guy holding the microphone informs us.

“So, I just told a few million people I used to masturbate into my socks,” Marco mutters.

“But you looked good doing it!” I say cheerfully.

“Can we please get moving? All this standing around is killing my buzz,” Ava complains.

Charlotte comes bounding down the stairs just then, stopping at the bottom and looking around at everyone. “Sorry I took so long getting ready. What did I miss?”

“Jizz socks!” Uncle Drew shouts.

“Anyone have a preference on where we go tonight to film?” the camera guy asks. “Stay with the guys or go with the ladies?”

Drew walks around the guys and throws his arm over the cameraman’s shoulder. “Might as well stay with us, man. I can’t promise you strippers, but I can promise a turtle porn snuff film, and I have a guy from the zoo stopping by in an hour to let us play with a meerkat. Should make for good television entertainment, especially if we can get the meerkat to watch the turtle porn.”

Charlotte grabs my arm and drags me away from Marco while everyone else says their good-byes. Once again, poor Marco is suffering at the hands of my family and I can’t help but wonder how much more he’s going to able to take before he heads for the hills. Not to mention the fact that I just kissed him in front of everyone, including a camera crew.

While the women pile into the stretch limo parked in the driveway, my sisters and I stand outside the vehicle for a few private minutes. Ava pulls one of the flasks out of her purse and hands it to Charlotte.

“Start chugging it in the limo,” Ava tells her. “Make sure to giggle and yell a lot.”

Charlotte takes the flask and rolls her eyes. “I’ve been drunk before, Ava. I think I know what I’m doing.”

“And I’ve seen you drunk before. It’s not pretty,” Ava replies. “You go from telling everyone you love them to sobbing in two-point-three seconds. As a fake drunk, I expect better of you.”

Aunt Claire leans her head out of the limo and looks at the three of us.