A SEAL's Courage (Military Match #1)(11)
“Are you okay?”
Of course she’d ask him that. Because she’d spent the last year and a half worrying about him. Taking care of him. She was the only one who didn’t make him feel quite so…broken.
“I’m fine.” He leaned his hands on the edges of the doorframe. If he didn’t, he’d be crossing that threshold and taking her in his arms for the need to wipe the misery from her eyes. “I’m sorry if what I said earlier hurt you.”
She let out a harsh laugh. “You came all the way over here at ten o’clock at night to tell me that? A text would have sufficed.”
She was right, of course.
He let out an uncomfortable laugh. God, she was the only person in his world who made him feel this exposed, because she’d seen far too much of the stuff he didn’t show many. The only person who knew him better was Will. The problem was, she didn’t know it, and he sure as hell could never tell her. Because he was trying to keep a friendly distance with her.
She looked up and arched a brow in silent question.
Trent drew a breath for courage. Start with the basics.
“I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t stop thinking about how we left things. I was halfway here before I even knew where I was going.” He hitched a shoulder. The excuse was pathetic, but there it was.
“I’m listening.” She folded her arms, holding his gaze with that boldness he’d always admired. Clearly she wouldn’t give him an inch, and he couldn’t blame her. She’d put herself out there tonight, and all he’d done was knock her back down.
He sighed. Straightened. Shoved his hands back in his pockets. “You surprised the hell out of me, you know. I hadn’t expected you to proposition me. Hell, I’m not sure anybody’s ever propositioned me.”
She let out a sardonic laugh and turned her head, looking out toward the street behind him. “To quote someone I know, I find that hard to believe. For the record, it wasn’t about you. I was prepared to seduce whoever showed up. I decided before I left the house tonight that what I needed was to step outside my comfort zone. I’ve spent far too much time hidden in the shadows. For once in my life, I was going to take what I wanted. You were…more like a test. To see if I could do it.”
He wanted to laugh. If that wasn’t Lauren in a nutshell. One of the bravest damn women he knew. Even in the face of the worst of his PTSD, when all wanted was to be left the hell alone, she’d handled him with care and kindness and strength. She had tenacity, and he admired the hell out of her for it. Except he couldn’t tell her that, either.
He’d come all the way over here, though, to apologize. At the very least, he owed a version of the truth.
“Me too. Deciding to step out of my comfort zone, I mean.” He leaned against the doorframe, peering past her into the house. The television in the living room was paused mid-image. “It’s partly why I decided to go with Military Match. Finding a date to Will and Skylar’s wedding was just an excuse. I’ve never been alone, you know that? I’ve always had Will. When I went into the service, I had the guys in my unit. Even over in Afghanistan, I was constantly surrounded by people. At the very least, I always had Cooper. When I married Wendy, I’d come home to her. Now it’s just me, and I hate it.”
She looked up, gentle understanding in her gaze. “Ever thought about getting a dog? You’re good with them. You carry him with you.” She nodded in his direction, gaze on his chest. Her words suggested she was staring at the tags hanging from his neck.
He reached up, fingering the familiar, warn metal. Grief twisted in his chest. He’d been a demolitions expert and a K9 handler, working with dogs trained to sniff out improvised explosive devices. He’d trained his two-year-old German shepherd, Cooper, from a pup. He’d spent more time with that dog than he had his wife. Cooper wasn’t an animal but a partner. They’d lived together, ate together, played together. Cooper had relied on him for basic necessities, for companionship.
And Trent had gotten him killed. He’d failed his end of the bargain.
“No. I’m not ready for a dog. It still hurts too much.” Trent shook his head and forced himself to release the grief, to focus on why he’d come. If he didn’t, the guilt would suck him under. “My point being, I signed up with that service because I was looking for something in the middle. I wanted…someone to spend time with, someone who wouldn’t attempt to pin me down. I figured I’d start with Will’s wedding and see where it took me. I told Karen that when I signed up. I assumed she’d set me up with someone who wanted the same thing.”
He’d never been the kind of guy who dated dozens of girls. He preferred his friends few but close, and he chose his sexual partners carefully. His divorce, though, had taken it out of him. He’d failed at love. He could blame Wendy all he wanted, but clearly he hadn’t been a good husband to her. She’d felt enough of a loss in their marriage that she’d had to seek companionship elsewhere.
Lauren folded her arms, once again looking vulnerable and defeated. “Instead you got stuck with me.”
Her quiet words were another arrow piercing his armor. Trent swore under his breath and pivoted, stalked to the stairs, and stopped on the top step. He fisted his hands at his sides and peered out at the darkened street around him, forcing himself to breathe through the overwhelming desire to yank her against him and unload everything he’d promised himself he’d never tell her.