A Lover's Lament(68)
To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay
From: Katie Devora
Subject:
Devin,
I left the subject line empty because I simply didn’t know what to put. I’m scared. No, scared probably isn’t a strong enough word. I’m terrified. I have no idea what happened today … sure, I can take a few guesses, but what I know for certain is that you were torn away from me, your words cut off, and in a split second, you were gone. And right now I just really need to know that you’re okay. Actually, you have to be okay because there are still so many plans we need to make and things that I need to tell you.
My mom came over after our phone call. I needed someone to be with me because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her all about how we became reacquainted, and I half expected her to go all Mama Bear because of the way things ended between us. But she didn’t. She stepped up to the plate and took care of me, just like I needed her to do.
Okay, so I’m going to go about my day, cleaning the house and doing laundry, but don’t think for a second that you aren’t consuming every single spot in my head. Because you are, and that won’t change until I hear back from you—and I will hear back from you. Please call me as soon as you can.
Love,
Katie
It’s been twenty-four hours since I heard Devin’s voice. Twenty-four hours of waiting, worrying and pacing … and I have been doing a lot of pacing. And where there is pacing, there is thinking, and right now, I’m thinking about all of the things I may never get to say to Devin.
To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay
From: Katie Devora
Subject: I want you
Devin,
I had a dream last night that we were on the phone. You were laughing at something I said and there was a loud bang. It was a weird dream, because even though you were on the phone, I could see you. I watched you get thrown across the room and you were lying there, writhing in pain, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. I was screaming, desperately beating at the invisible wall keeping me from getting to you, but it wasn’t doing any good. I was frantic to get to you, but I couldn’t.
That was it … I woke up in a cold sweat and then realized it wasn’t a dream. I realized that it was real, only in reality, I don’t know if you’re okay. I don’t know if you’re lying somewhere, hurt … or dead. I’ve decided that I don’t like the unknown … it leaves too much room for my mind to wander, and my mind doesn’t usually wander in the right direction.
I have to work today. I’m not sure if working will be a good thing or a bad thing. You’re still consuming every inch of space in my head … and my heart. I forgot to tell you that the last time we spoke, but it’s true.
Love,
Katie
Clasping my hands together, my gaze flits around the room, avoiding the computer sitting right in front of me. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t dare put anything in it, not with the amount of throwing up that I’ve been doing.
Thoughts of Devin fill every second of every day. Yesterday after work, I broke down and began searching the Internet for any information that I could find. I had no idea what to search for, so I started combing through headlines on the Internet, hoping to see something—anything—that might give me some sort of peace … some sort of comfort in the hell I’ve been living. I found nothing.
Gritting my teeth, I try to fight the tremble in my chin, but it’s a lost cause. My throat burns, constricting with emotion, as tears fall from my face. Wiping the tears away is pointless—I gave up on that a long time ago.
To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay
From: Katie Devora
Subject: I want us
It’s been forty-nine hours, twenty-two minutes and fourteen seconds since I’ve heard from you. I’ve checked my email hundreds of times, hoping to see a reply, and each time I come up empty, a little piece of me breaks away. My phone has become a permanent fixture in my hand because I keep waiting for you to call.
I miss you. How did that happen in such a short amount of time? I miss seeing your name in my inbox … I miss reading your words, and with each passing second, I’m convinced that I may never see them again. I need to see them, Devin. You’ve always been a part of me, but this is still new and I’m not done exploring. I’m certainly not ready to let go.
I’m still holding on to hope.
Love,
Katie
“Hi, honey.”
“Hi, Mom.” It’s the third time she’s called today. I canceled my appointment with Dr. Perry, and I haven’t shown up to take care of Mac, Molly, and Toby all week. I would never leave her to do it, so I’ve hired out extra help on top of the kid I’ve already got going there. She’s worried … she should be. I can feel myself slipping, giving up hope with each passing second. I can see myself going down the road I’ve recently traveled … the one where I shut down because being numb is so much easier than feeling the pain.
“I’m making lasagna for dinner. Would you like to come over?”
“Nah. Thank you, though,” I answer. “I made a pizza a little while ago.” Closing my eyes, I cringe. Lying to her is not the grown-up thing to do, but I hate to make her worry, and right now, I just need to be alone.