A Lover's Lament(66)

“Nothing out of the ordinary, I promise.” The last word is cut in half by a whistle that punishes the eardrums and is followed by an explosion that rocks the walls of the building as if they were made of paper. The phone clicks and buzzes, but I hear Katie faintly calling for me on the other end.

I can hear chaos outside and I know this is bad. They’ve successfully targeted their mortar rounds and there are sure to be more to come. “Katie?” I call frantically into the receiver, needing to know I didn’t lose her, desperate to hear her voice one last time.

“Devin? Devin, I’m scared. I can’t los—” Her trembling voice is muted by the static buzz, but I know exactly what she was saying because it’s the same thing I was thinking.

And maybe that’s what motivates me to continue. Maybe that’s what pulls the next words from my throat.

My words are rushed, and I don’t even know if she can hear me, but she needs to know … I want her to know. “I want you back. I want us, Katie, and I’ll—”

The line goes dead—my words cut off—and I’m thrown from my chair as another explosion rocks the earth beneath my feet.





“From Where You Are” – Lifehouse

“DEVIN?” ALL THE BLOOD DRAINS from my face, my heart racing so fast it’s literally seconds away from exploding. “Devin!” The shrill sound of a woman screaming penetrates through the blood pounding in my ears, and I look around before realizing that woman is me.

“No. Nononono.” Snapping the phone shut, I rub my fingers over my temples, trying to drown out what I heard. Devin’s words were broken and barely audible when they completely cut off. Images of him lying on the ground, hurt or worse, start playing through my mind, and I look around, frantically trying to decide what to do. I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.

My body freezes at the realization that there isn’t a damn thing I can do. Devin is half a world away, and I have no other way to contact him. “Oh, God.” My limbs go numb. Fear courses through my body, robbing it of normal function and control. On unsteady legs I push from the couch, and with jerky movements I walk across the living room into the kitchen, my phone gripped so tight in my hand that my knuckles are painfully white.

I can’t do anything. Just like with Daddy, I’m helpless.

Sucking in a shuddery breath, I send out a quick text—a cry for help—and then I toss my phone on the counter and brace myself for impact. With my hands planted firmly against the sink, I bow my head, allowing myself to be absorbed into the all-consuming and far-too-familiar sense of dread. Call it what you want … panic, fear, terror. It’s all the same. And right now, like the blood in my veins, it’s flowing through my body.

Chills race up my arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake, and the sob that’s been building inside my chest finally rips free, causing me to collapse to the floor. My vision blurs, tears sliding thick and fast down my cheeks. Images of my dad in the car, blood running from his face, flash in my head … only it’s not my dad’s face I see, it’s Devin’s. Pulling my knees to my chest, I bury my head and cry.

Time passes, each vision tearing off another chunk of my heart. Maybe I’ve been here for minutes, maybe hours; I honestly have no idea. But when I hear my mom’s soft voice, my head snaps up.

“Katie.” She rushes toward me, dropping to her knees. Pulling me against her chest, her familiar arms curl around my body, wrapping me in the warmth and love that I knew only she could provide. “Katie, sweetheart, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me, honey.”

“Devin.” Pulling back, I wipe the tears from my face but they’re quickly replaced. “We were talking and there was th-this loud noise, and he said that everything was o-okay but it wasn’t.” My words break as my chest heaves. “It wasn’t okay”—my head shakes frantically—“because I h-heard it again, this l-loud whistle … and then there was a b-boom … and then he was gone. Just like th-that, he was gone, and I don’t know w-what to do. I can’t l-lose him, Mama. I can’t.” The thought of losing him—again—is nearly unbearable. A tight band constricts around my chest, robbing air from my lungs, and threatening to squeeze the life out of my heart.

Bile rushes up my throat. Scrambling from the floor, I run to the trashcan. A burning sensation rips through my stomach as I expel all of its contents.

Mom sweeps my hair out of my face, securing it in a band. Seconds later, a cool, wet cloth is pressed against the back of my neck. With each surge of my stomach, I bawl, breaking down bit by bit until there’s nothing left. Only then do I allow myself to drift toward the dark tunnel of the place I was before … the empty hole I buried myself in after Daddy’s death.

How could I put myself through this again? How could I care for a man that could so easily be torn away from me? I knew Devin was a soldier and I knew the risks that went along with that, yet I still allowed myself to fall for him … care for him … love him. Another rush of bile crawls up my throat, but this time I’m able to swallow past it.

“Come on.” Wrapping one arm around my back, my mom guides me gently to my room, tucks me in bed and then climbs in next to me. I snuggle against her side, and she kisses the top of my head and then whispers, “Devin, huh?”