A Lover's Lament(114)

What happened? Where did she go?

I try to reach out again, but this time nothing happens. My eyes are burning and I can feel tears rolling down my cheeks. The thought of having a baby with Katie makes me want to smile, only when I try, my lips merely twitch.

Images flash behind my lids … Katie and I with a beautiful little girl … laughing, holding hands … kissing boo-boos …

I can see every day of the rest of my life with my perfect little family, living the life that was scripted for us by God, set in motion by Him long before we existed. And then darkness slowly creeps in. Pitch black nothing.

The unbroken buzz of a heart monitor filters through the air at the same time my body goes completely numb. My limbs become heavy before going weightless, and unless I’m dreaming, I have my legs back.

A bright white light appears out of nowhere. This light doesn’t hurt my eyes, and there’s something about it that makes me want to take it all in. I close my eyes, and when I reopen them, I see arms wide open and waiting.





“Get off me!” I scream as one of the nurses applies conducting gel to Devin’s chest. Someone has me wrapped in their arms, and when I struggle to break free, their grip tightens.

“Calm the f*ck down, Katie,” Navas growls, his mouth close to my ear. He drags me toward the door, and I do the only thing I can think of to get back to Devin. Raising my leg, I slam my foot down on the top of his as hard as I can. He grunts, his body bending forward in the process, and I use his weakness against him. When he loosens his arms, I slam my elbow into his stomach.

“Son of a bitch,” he hisses, releasing his hold on me. I run straight to Devin’s bed, but I can’t get close because there are nurses surrounding him. One of them yells, “Get. Her. Out.”

Good luck, lady.

“Devin,” I cry, hoping that he can hear me. “You fight this, baby. You hear me? You’re a soldier, Devin, and soldiers fight.” A cold hand wraps around my arm, but I dart to the left, breaking free. “You promised me you’d come back to me, and damn it, you better pull through this because I need you!” Tears blur my vision and I push up on my toes, wanting to get a good look at him. “We need you!”

“Clear!”

One of the nurses steps to the side, creating an opening, and I get a glimpse of the man I love, the father of my child. His body jerks, arcing off the bed before falling limp. My blood runs cold at the sight in front of me, which instantly blurs. Tears rush down my face as a sharp pain rips through my chest. This isn’t happening. Reaching for Devin’s tags draped around my neck, I grip them tightly in my hand, needing to feel close to him—needing the comfort. My shoulders slump forward, and when I watch his body arc off the bed for a second time, my entire world shatters.

“Oh my God. No …” I whisper. Strong arms wrap around me again, and this time I don’t fight it. In a matter of seconds, I’m in the hallway burying my head in Navas’s chest. He’s rubbing my back, whispering words of hope, and I latch on to him like he’s the only thing keeping me anchored to this earth. Because, right now, he is.

“He has to be okay,” I cry, gripping the front of Navas’s shirt. “I-I can’t lose him. This wasn’t supposed to h-happen.” With each word, my cries get louder, which explains why I don’t hear it when someone walks up behind me.

A light tap on my back followed by a tug of my shirt grabs my attention, and I pull back from Navas. My eyes instantly land on … Sally. The little girl from the waiting room is looking at me, her piercing blue eyes swimming with tears. Sally’s chin trembles as her eyes rake over my face. Lifting my hand, I wipe the tears from my face, hoping that my wails didn’t somehow scare the little girl.

“You can cwy,” she whispers, tears slipping down her rosy cheeks. “But don’t fowget to pway.” Without another word, Sally reaches out her hand as though she has something to give me. Releasing my grip on Navas’s shirt, I hold out my hand and she drops something in it before spinning around and taking off toward a woman standing outside of another ICU room.

My eyes are gritty and swollen from crying, but when I look down at what the little girl gave me, a tiny spark of hope ignites deep in my soul.

A rosary.

From the mouths of babes, I think to myself. Lifting my gaze to Navas’s, I hold up the beautiful white rosary. “I need to find the chapel,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying.

He doesn’t say a word, merely grips my hand in his and leads me out of the ICU. I follow behind him as he weaves down hallways, through doors, and when we eventually end up in front of the chapel, he pushes open the wood door and motions me in. The door shuts softly behind me, but I have no idea if he followed me in because right now I’m on a mission.

Sliding into a front row pew, my hands drop between my knees. The rosary hangs from my fingers as I say the most important prayer of my life to date. Except that when I give the sign of the cross and drop my head between my shoulders, it isn’t the Apostles’ Creed that runs through my head, it’s a prayer to the first man who ever loved me … a man that I know would literally move heaven and earth to help me out.

I need you, Daddy … Devin needs you. I’ve prayed to you a lot over the past several months, but this time it’s life or death. I’m not sure if you’ve got any pull up there, but if you do, right now would be the time to use it. Because I’m not ready to hand Devin over. I’m not ready to live the rest of my life without him, and I honestly don’t know how I would do it. I will be a shell of a woman without him. He means everything to me, Daddy. He’s my life, my heart, my soul and I need him more than I need my next breath. Our baby needs him. He or she deserves to grow up with a daddy as great as you were, so please … please let him be okay. Stand beside him, give him strength, and if he tries to find his way to wherever it is that you are, push him back. Tell him it’s too soon … tell him he has a family here waiting for him—