A Kingpin Love Affair: The Complete series(27)

When I was around her, I wasn’t myself. Or maybe the problem was I was myself and I just didn’t want to face it. The reasoning didn’t matter. All that did was making it stop.

“Aren’t you going to say something? Anything?” she stuttered, my mind having to catch up with her words as I drifted off into my own thoughts.

“What’s there to say?” My words came out stiff and defensive. It wasn’t her fault I was this way. I was caught at a crossroads. Either one that would kill me to cross or one that would become my saving grace.

I wanted to blame her, but something held me back and kept me from saying those small little words that would push her away because, in reality, I wanted her as close as I could get her—even if it meant her body under mine and her breaths meeting my own.

“You could tell me that you’re okay. That whatever Alzerro called you for wasn’t bad. That when you kissed me earlier it actually meant something to you.” Her hands were on her hips. Her nose was scrunched up in a way that said she was about to lose her shit on me. A smile pulled at my lips. She looked so adorable when she was angry. Then it hit me. What she had said, the kiss...

“The kiss?” I questioned acting as if I didn’t even remember it taking place. Which was the biggest lie on the face of the planet. Out of the two times our lips had met, I remembered both as vividly as if I had just removed my lips from hers. Shake it off. She’s getting to you. The warning was clear, but for some reason, I refused to say something that would break her heart.

“Yeah, the one where your lips met mine. The one where you made me feel this strange feeling in my belly.” She looked at me as if she had accidently slipped the last part out without thinking.

Fuck. Feelings were becoming involved. “Isabella…” I paused attempting to go about this as easily as possible.

“Don’t you dare say it was nothing to you! I felt it. It felt like for the first time in your life you were alive.” She had an eagerness to prove me wrong in her eyes and that just stoked the already burning fire inside of me.

“It was nothing though. At least for me.” I stood, getting up from the couch to stand in front of her. I wanted to prove to her that whatever she thought was happening between us wasn’t.

“You’re a woman, I am a man. Naturally, we’re attracted to one another. That’s all this is. There are no hidden feelings underneath it all. If you’re trying to fix me, or come up with a solution, you should give up now. There is a long line of women who have been trying to do that for months now, some even years.” God, I was an *.

“You’re a liar…” She barely got out. I could see the hurt in her eyes, the hardness growing around her heart. Is that what I looked like when they told me my mother had died? I shook my head pushing the thoughts away.

“No, I’m not. You just don’t know the difference between a man who wants to get his dick wet and a man who wants to give you his heart. You’re na?ve, sweet Isabella, and I was just making your life easier for you.”

Tears leaked from the sides of her eyes, penetrating my soul.

“You know what, Jared? You have the potential to love someone far greater than anyone does. It’s just that you’re so afraid of letting someone in. So afraid of feeling anything different from what you currently feel.” Her words were laced with pain as they struck me hard upon the chest.

“You know nothing but heartache, sadness, and pain. But you know what the ugly thing about it all is? You think you deserve it.”

I clenched my fists, she had no f*cking clue how close to home she was hitting. My chest ached as pain seared through it. Her words were like a f*cking belt lashing against my heart. She was so right, and I was so not ready to admit it.

“I deserve whatever shit God decides to give me. You know nothing about me, only the things I have allowed you to see, and even then, you only know and feel what I want you to know or feel. So don’t act like you f*cking know me, because you don’t and you never will,” I gritted through my clenched teeth.

“Don’t push me away…” She sounded defeated, and I was so angry and hurt that I couldn’t even look at her.

“In order to push you away, you would’ve had to be close to me to begin with. I’m just doing you a favor.” The truth was I was pushing her away, doing what I had wanted to all along. But this time, my heart was breaking right along with hers. The hate falling from my lips burned me more than it did her. She was worthy of more, better… She needed someone to care for her and this exchange of words proved just how wrong I was for being that person to do it.

I could feel her eyes on me for a few more seconds before her footfalls met my ears. She was walking away, leaving. As she should.

She didn’t deserve this.

Only I did.





Chapter Fourteen


Isabella

My teeth sank hard into my bottom lip as I attempted to force the tears away. These feelings swimming around inside of me reminded me too much of the past. The past I wish didn’t exist.

I never wanted to be one of those girls. The ones who did whatever they could to keep someone happy and to make them stay with them like I had just recently seen on TV or witnessed in the trades as the other girls desperately tried to please the men. The ones who went out of their way to be something they were not simply just to survive. I knew what it was like to survive, but I never tried to be something I wasn’t while doing so. With Jared, I refused to be that as well.