A Fallow Heart (Tommy Creek #2)(50)

He went still as if she’d actually struck a nerve. In a deadly soft tone, he said, “That doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure? What if…what if my breaking your heart messed you up, made you lose all faith in women,” just as Travis had caused her to lose all faith in men. “What if I prevented you from having the happiness you deserve. You should be happy, Cooper. You should—”

He shut her up with a small, amused laugh as he shook his head. “You haven’t changed at all, have you? Still a bleeding heart, worried about upsetting everyone else.”

“You’re exactly the same way,” she accused.

He didn’t answer, but the strange wrinkle in his brow told her she’d struck another nerve. Looking moody, he studied the still water. “Yeah, maybe.”

She let out a sigh, realizing how different her life would’ve been if she’d at least known how he’d felt about her back then. Before Travis had come along and asked her out, she would’ve accepted a date with Cooper without question. Heck, even after Travis had come along, she might’ve—

Emma Leigh laughed from across the lake, and Jo Ellen glanced up. She watched Bran and her sister grin at each other, talking adamantly. Jealousy consumed her. Maybe, she could’ve been like that with Cooper. He was capable of so much love she would’ve fallen for him harder than she’d ever fallen for anyone. Maybe he wouldn’t have left her broken inside, deficient.

So much potential. And now it was gone.

Now it was too late. She wasn’t some young, na?ve girl who could openly give her heart to just anyone. There was too much baggage in her past to trust like that again.

“Why me?” she wondered. When Emma Leigh’s laughter once again carried across the lake, she pointed. “Why not her? You were always her friend. And she’s so…so open and free. Confident. I was too insecure and fragile, always worried about doing the wrong thing, or saying the wrong thing. I mean, I probably came off as a standoffish snob to you.”

“You came off as a total lady,” he corrected. “Everything about you has always been so feminine. It made me extremely aware of how male I was when I was around you.”

She frowned. This wasn’t the romantic explanation she wanted to hear. “So…you were just, what, sexually attracted to me?”

He snorted. “The attraction, the awareness of you, was simply the beginning. You were…kind, to everyone. You never played malicious jokes, never made others feel bad about themselves even though you were so pretty and scholarly you could’ve been the popular mean girl with no effort. I used to sit near your table at lunch and listen to you talk to different people.” A smile lingered on his lips. “You knew how to direct a conversation until you made whoever you were talking to feel good about themselves, even if they’d just flunked a test.”

That was because she’d never learned how to talk about herself. It made her too uncomfortable. Talking about everyone else and making the conversation about them, just seemed easier. Thus the reason she liked hosting parties. People always loved to talk about themselves at parties and she knew exactly how to encourage them.

“You just…you left me in awe,” Cooper finished. “You were perfect.”

“I got pregnant at eighteen.” Her voice was brittle and dry. “Then before I’d even found out about that, I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend, kissing his archenemy. Trust me, I was anything but perfect.”

Cooper shrugged. “So you made a mistake.” When she sniffed, he grinned wryly and amended, “A couple mistakes. You were young. It happens. You were still perfect to me.”

“Uh huh, and what if the tables had been turned?” she pressed. “What if I’d been your girlfriend but got drunk and kissed Travis? Would you still be so forgiving now?”

He opened his mouth, looking blank. Then he shut it. “Okay, that would’ve been harder to swallow,” he admitted. “But I would’ve gotten over it. Yes. Because you would’ve been my girlfriend.” Something stirred in her stomach as he continued to watch her. Then he went and whispered, “Mine.”

She glanced down at the beer in her hand, feeling hot and bothered by simply sitting there listening to him. Cooper had been the kindest, sweetest, cutest boy in her class. If she hadn’t thought he was more interested in Emma Leigh than he was in her, she probably would’ve let herself grow a crush on him in return. But telling him that now felt wrong as well. She should probably remain silent, but before she knew exactly what was happening, a confession spilled from her mouth.

“I had dreams about it. Afterward.” When she dared to glance his way, she saw he didn’t comprehend, so she added, “About the night of Bose Eden’s party. I dreamed about the parts I remembered, about kissing you and feeling you through your jeans.”

Cooper stared at her steadily. “Me too.”

Unable to tear her gaze away, she rasped, “Sometimes, I still do.” Like last night.

His eyelashes fluttered closed and then open. “Yeah.”

Her blood surged a little faster through her veins. Her breathing grew choppier in her chest. “Do you ever wonder…” She spoke so quietly he leaned forward to hear her. Licking her lips, she spoke up. “Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if…if you hadn’t stopped me?”