A Duke by Default (Reluctant Royals #2)(100)
Portia had no idea, but she smiled and nodded anyway. It was the polite thing to do.
Chapter 28
Nya wants to know if you’re feeling okay,” Ledi said, looking up from her phone, the same concern in her eyes that Portia had seen a million times over the years, made slightly more comical by the facial sheet mask Ledi wore. The concern bothered her, though; Ledi had swooped in to make things right for Portia so many times. With Project: New Portia, she thought all of that had changed, but here she was, pampering herself to distract from the fact that not only was she a fuck-up, but the whole world knew about her questionable choices in hookup partners and thought she had a thing for old Scottish men.
She’d snapped an “I’m cool guys” photo to post on social media, and taken a hiatus. From the internet, from her phone, from the reality that she’d allowed herself to think that someone would ask her to stay and mean it. Not checking calls meant avoiding who had called—and who hadn’t.
“Tell her I’m okay,” she said, trying to smile.
“She’s not okay,” Ledi spoke aloud as she typed. “But she will be.”
Naledi Moshoeshoe nee Smith, actually nee Ajoua, was suddenly an optimist, it seemed. Portia almost laughed, but she felt a painful pulse of envy radiate through her, because she knew what caused that optimism.
“I’m jealous,” Portia admitted. One thing she wouldn’t fuck up about Project: New Portia was the tenet “Thou shalt not lie to thine bestie.”
“Of . . . ?” Ledi looked confused and Portia did laugh this time. Ledi was finishing her master’s in a field that was actually useful to the world, had found the man of her dreams, and was a goddamned princess. Of course she would be confused as to what exactly was causing Portia’s jealousy.
“Of your surety. That you know someone loves you, and that changed you. You were so scared before . . .” Portia trailed off. “I used to think I was protecting you from being hurt when I chased away fuckboys, but I can’t even protect myself.”
Ledi put down the phone. “You think I’m sure? Of anything? You’re lucky I love you or I would be mad that I fooled even you.”
A timer pinged on her phone and they both peeled off their masks in unison. Now that the smiling sloth printed on Ledi’s mask was gone, Portia could see that her friend was frowning.
“I’m not sure of anything. I wake up every day wondering if this will be the day Thabiso decides he made the wrong decision, the day my in-laws decide they were right about their first impression, or the day my people decide I am not worthy to guide them. Thabiso’s love didn’t make me sure of anything. I’m scared shitless every day. It was so much easier living behind the barriers I’d put up.”
“Then why did you tear them down?” Portia asked.
“Because I’m brave,” Ledi said without a hint of self-consciousness. “And I think you were letting yourself be brave too, and that’s why this hurts so much.”
“I wasn’t brave. I was foolish. I let Tav storm my castle.”
Ledi shook her head. “Don’t you see? That is the brave part. Seeing an enemy at the gate, an enemy who could rip you to shreds, and then taking that deep breath, lowering the drawbridge, and inviting them in. You’d been defending your castle for years. Lowering the bridge must have been so hard.”
Portia sniffled, felt the heat of tears in her eyes. “No. It was easy. So damned easy.”
Ledi came and wrapped an arm around her and let her cry, and then Portia heard her friend sniffling, too.
“Why are you crying?” Portia asked.
“Because I’m proud of you,” she said. “Because letting down your drawbridge means that somewhere in this thick skull of yours, you’ve absorbed what I’ve been trying to tell you all these years.”
“Stop drinking so much?”
“Well, no, given what happened. That you are worth so much more than you were giving yourself credit for. Even if Tav isn’t the one, even if you decide you don’t want to be with anyone long-term ever, it’s not because you’re unworthy.”
Portia didn’t ask any more questions. She just hugged her friend and allowed herself to bask in the honest truth, to let itself be engraved on her heart: even if things didn’t work out with Tavish, someone had always thought she was worth it, had always stuck by her side, and seemingly always would.
“You’re pretty great,” Portia said, finally reaching for a box of tissues from the hotel bedside table. “Except now I’m going to have puffy eyes, negating the anti-inflammatory sheet mask.”
“Oh, I brought this cream from Thesolo that works wonders—”
The phone ringing in the room abruptly silenced Ledi. Their eyes met and Portia knew what both of them were thinking. This is the part where Prince Charming arrives with the glass slipper. This is where the dragon gets slain. Or this is where the hotel double-checks the wakeup call for her flight the next day.
She grabbed the phone off of the receiver. “Hello?”
“Why haven’t you answered my fucking texts?” Reggie’s slow cadence didn’t mask her anger. “You know I hate the phone. Mom and Dad and I were worried sick.”
“I’m sorry,” Portia said automatically. “I haven’t turned it on for a couple of days.”