Haven't They Grown(98)

My throat closes. I can’t breathe.

‘I’ll tell her, then,’ says Lewis. ‘You want to know everything. Everything Flora and I know, you want to know it too. That’s what this has been about, your whole little crusade. Right?’

‘I want to help Flora and all of her children who can still be helped,’ I manage to say.

‘That’s sweet. And not true. Yeah, you wouldn’t mind helping, but that’s not what this is about for you. It’s about your need to know. To make sense of what you saw, and everything that’s happened. There’s nothing wrong with that. Intellectual curiosity’s a good thing. A great thing, actually. Flora …’ Lewis gestures with his head. ‘Finish telling your story. It’ll be cathartic for you to unburden yourself – all the therapy you’ve not had, all these years? Now’s your chance. And then you’ll be able to go back to your life in England with a different attitude. A better one.’

He turns back to me. ‘I’m always telling her, Beth: when you can’t change a circumstance – and Flora can’t change her life circumstances, only I can do that – then all you can do is change your thoughts about the circumstance. That’s the only way you get to feel better. Flora – tell the story. No, wait. Beth, you give the order.’

‘What order?’

‘Ask her to tell you. Tell her how much you still want to get those missing pieces of information into your brain, even knowing you’ll only enjoy the benefit of satisfied curiosity for maybe five minutes before you die. Or maybe you don’t care any more. Maybe now all you can think about is your fear of death, and that you’ll never see your family again.’

That’s the one thing I can’t afford to think about. ‘Tell me,’ I say to Flora. Lewis has had the gun on me for more than a few minutes now. I’m still alive. No one in this room knows for certain that I’m going to die.

‘I can’t,’ Flora whispers.

‘Do it,’ Lewis snaps.

Please, Flora. Talk. Start talking and don’t stop.

‘Don’t be a selfish bitch, darling. If you clam up, it’s all over for Beth. She has no extended story-time in which to work out how not to die. Right, Beth?’

If I look at him, I might fall apart. I fix my eyes on Flora instead.

Silence fills the room like poisonous gas.

Finally Lewis sighs and says, ‘You were telling Beth that first I killed Georgina and then I made threats. All true.’

Flora’s face twitches.

‘Is that all I get by way of a reaction?’ Lewis asks her. ‘She’s never heard me admit to our daughter’s murder before, Beth. This is a big moment. It’s okay, I’m not worried. She’ll never tell. I’ll shoot you in front of her and still she won’t breathe a word. I’d like to say it’s loyalty but it’s not. It’s cowardice. What did I threaten you with, Flora?’

‘You said I had to—’

‘Don’t tell me, you stupid bitch. Tell her – the one who doesn’t know.’ He waves the gun at me.

‘He told me I had to go away,’ says Flora. ‘That my drinking and my negligence had caused Georgina’s death, and I had to pay the price. The price was that I’d lose Thomas and Emily too. I wasn’t fit to be a mother, he said.’

‘I was actually pretty reasonable,’ says Lewis. ‘I could have told everyone that I’d found Georgina lifeless and smothered in the bed with Flora, who’d passed out from too much drink. I didn’t say that. I protected my wife. I knew she wouldn’t have survived a week in prison – and yes, I believe some mothers who recklessly endanger their newborns do end up behind bars, even if they cry and say it was an accident. So I told everybody that Flora wasn’t to blame, that I came in and found Georgina in her cot. Blue, not breathing. I said nothing about the wine Flora had drunk.’

‘Flora wasn’t to blame,’ I say. ‘You were.’

Lewis frowns. ‘I know. Don’t let terror turn you stupid, Beth. I didn’t pin the blame on myself, obviously. My point is, I could have told the world that Flora killed Georgina, and I didn’t. I spared her that ordeal and that shame – possibly a criminal record too. I did all that willingly, because I didn’t want to be unnecessarily vindictive.’

Flora makes a strangled noise.

‘But for an offence so severe, there had to be a price,’ Lewis goes on. ‘Oh, wait – you think I’m talking about the killing of Georgina? No. Not that offence. Tell her, Flora.’

‘The offence was that I got pregnant when Lewis didn’t want another baby,’ she says mechanically.

‘Deliberately, Beth. That’s not on. You won’t admit it now, but you know it’s something no decent person would do. Then she gave birth too early, to a cross-eyed creature that was certainly no part of the amazing family I wanted – the one I had until she ruined everything. Did Flora cause Georgina’s death? Yes, in a way. Without her scheming, there’d have been no Georgina. No one would have needed to die. That would have been better for all of us – you too, Beth. Flora’s lucky still to be a free woman.’

Where should you be? HMP Peterborough.

‘Anyway, we very much were where we were, at that point.’ Lewis shrugs. He stands up with a heavy sigh. ‘As I say, I offered Flora a solution to our predicament that I hoped would work for all of us. She was to detach herself, immediately, and disappear. I’d cover all expenses. Thomas, Emily and I would then be free of her taint, and Georgina’s, and able to get on with the rest of our lives. We agreed that after she’d gone, I’d tell the children that she’d had a breakdown and couldn’t face being part of our family any more after what had happened to their sister. And that was that. Separate lives. That’s how it would have gone, if I hadn’t been too soft-hearted.’