Worth Saving(15)

“I wouldn’t say it’s anything in particular, sir. I’m normal, and normal is okay to me.”

“I understand,” he replies as he jots down something on his yellow pad. When he does that, I always think it’s something bad. “Okay, so let’s talk about how you’ve been feeling about Lieutenant Blake Weston.”

I feel a sharp pain hit me right in the heart. Not a heart attack kind of pain, but an emotional kind of pain.

“So, have you had any thoughts about Blake or your tour in Afghanistan this past week?” The major asks. He doesn’t write anything on the paper this time, he just stares at me, waiting to see how I react.

I take a deep breath and swallow down the lump I feel trying to climb into my throat.

“Of course I have.”

“Thoughts about the tour itself, or about Blake?”

“The thoughts I have about the tour are eternally connected to Lieutenant Weston. When I think about the tour, I think about him . . . and his death.”

“Have you dreamed about it?”

“Yes.”

“What happens in the dreams?”

“The exact same thing that happened in real life. I watch him die. No matter what else is going on in the dream, whether I’m piloting the chopper or I’m on the ground looking up at it, I still see him get hit. I still can’t do anything to save him.”

“Is that the part that bothers you the most, Austin? The fact that you couldn’t save him?”

Another thing I can’t stand about this therapy crap is that he asks questions that he already knows the answer to.

“Of course it is,” I reply, looking down at the tile floor. “You know what bothers me the most is that he was there to replace me. He was there trying to get the lay of the land and see how we did things the six months we were there. He was just supposed to be learning the ropes from me, shit got hot while we were doing my last extraction, and it happened. It just feels so wrong, and there’s so much more I should’ve done.”

Major Nelson scribbles something else on his pad, and watching him do it makes me feel a little more frustrated.

“Captain Sloan, what more do you think you could’ve done to save the Lieutenant? Didn’t you tell him to take cover?”

“Yes, I told him to keep his head down, because when he got up, he didn’t have his Kevlar or his vest on, and that’s my fault.”

“It’s your fault he didn’t have his gear on?”

“Yes. I was the ranking officer, and just because we don’t usually have contact when we do extractions, that doesn’t give us an excuse to go in there without being fully geared up. I should’ve made sure he had his gear on the entire time, no matter how hot it made him. That’s my fault.”

More writing on the notepad.

“I see. Have you ever thought Lieutenant Weston was a grownup—a trained pilot who knew what he was about to get into when your team took off that day? He knew the dangers and he still didn’t have his gear on.”

“That doesn’t matter, Major. I was in charge. I should’ve made sure he had his gear on before we went into the shit. There’s no excuse for allowing that. That fact can’t be disputed, so I really don’t even know why we’re doing this. There’s nothing you can say that’ll change that fact, so what’s the point?”

“The point, Captain, is that you did everything you could’ve done. Our first session, you told me you screamed at the Lieutenant to put his gear on and to stay down, and then when he opened the door, you told him to get back in his seat. He didn’t listen to you. What we’re trying to get you to realize and accept is that Lieutenant Weston made his own decision. You told him, but he chose otherwise, and when you’re trying to fly a helicopter and maneuver it effectively while picking up a team, you can’t get out of your seat and force the co-pilot to put on his gear. You told him, he made a choice, and he suffered very unfortunate consequences for that choice. But, it was his choice. Now, that doesn’t mean his death isn’t tragic, it just means it wasn’t your fault.”

I take a deep breath and think about everything I just heard. It’s not like I’m hearing it for the first time. I’ve thought this exact same thing before, but it’s so much easier said than done. I was there, and I feel like I should’ve been able to do more to protect him. I should’ve done more.

“Look, I know what you’re thinking, Captain,” Major Nelson continues. “It’s a lot easier said than done, right? I know it’s difficult, but that’s why we’re here. We’re going to help you. Have you tried talking to anyone about how you’ve been feeling?”

“No, not really.”

“No? Not even your parents? I would think a retired Colonel, like your father, would have some good advice in a situation like this. Especially since he was a pilot as well.”

“Well, he was an F-12 pilot and he never saw combat. I’m sure he’d have great advice, I just haven’t asked him for it.”

“Will you? Maybe your mother?”

“I don’t know if I’ll talk to my parents about it. They’re living happily ever after in Seattle, living the retired life, so I don’t know. I like to deal with things on my own. So, I might talk to a friend about it, but for the most part, I just have to deal with it on my own, Major. Well, with you too, apparently, but mostly on my own.”