Whisper (Whisper #1)(17)

His words have the same effect on me as a bucket of icy water.

“Over two and a half years,” he continues. “I’ve been missing out.”

I drop my fork with a clatter and push my plate away, unable to stomach any more. I wonder if that was Enzo’s intention, since he surely can’t be pleased about the calorie intake.

No one says anything. But then —

“I asked you not to come over this morning, Enz,” Ward says.

He reaches for my discarded plate and claims my leftovers as his own. I force myself not to react even though I’m surprised by his overly familiar action.

“Did you really think I’d miss a chance to have Cami’s pancakes?” Enzo asks through a mouthful of food. “Besides, with JD here, I knew it was bound to be an interesting meal. A laugh a minute, this one. Can’t get her to shut up.”

Cami snorts, presumably at my less-than-impressed expression. Enzo grins right along with her, and even Ward’s dimple makes an appearance.

“You’re right, Enz,” Cami says. “It is interesting having Jane here.”

“‘Jane,’ huh?” Enzo says. “You’re not going with ‘JD’?” He flicks his gaze over to Ward. “Fake or not, it still makes more sense than ‘Chip.’”

I will not look at Ward. I will not look at Ward. I will not look at — Damn it, I’m looking at him. Worse, he’s looking back at me. Between us, we hold a secret, and despite everything, despite knowing better, I still love — and hate — the reason he chose his name for me.

I suddenly realize I need to get out of here. These people are too normal. They’re too real. They’re too … colorful. I’m used to bland. I’m used to whitewashed. I’m used to pillowcase uniforms, regulated meals and unchanging schedules. I don’t know what to do with fluffy beds, warm clothes, steaming soup, reflective mirrors, chocolate chips and laughing angels. That’s not my life — not anymore. And it never will be again.

I feel warm — too warm — so I draw the sleeves of Ward’s hoodie up to my elbows. I’m trying to figure out how to escape back to my safe, quiet, uncolored cell, when Cami lets out a gasp. She reaches across for my hands and latches on to them before I can pull them away.

“What the hell is this?”

I look down and see the skin around my wrists streaked with black and blue. Before I can do anything — like yank my hands back — Ward and Enzo both lean in for a closer look.

“Handcuffs are uncomfortable, but they don’t leave bruises,” Enzo says.

That’s not always true. But in this case, Enzo is correct.

“You didn’t have those yesterday,” Ward says, his voice tight. He turns to Enzo. “She didn’t, right?”

Enzo shakes his head. “Definitely not. It must have happened sometime after our session.”

I see the moment when realization hits them both, and Enzo spits out the name, “Vanik.”

“Vanik?” Cami is alarmed. “You didn’t mention anything about her working with Vanik.”

“We’re not allowed to tell you details. You know that,” Ward says, his voice soft, gentle … careful. “There are rules, Cami. Even for me.”

“We know how you feel about him, Cam,” Enzo states, also using a gentle tone. “And you have reason — you both have reason — to feel that way.”

His inclusion of Ward piques my curiosity, but no further details are offered.

Cami’s grip on my hands is unyielding. “You have no idea how I feel about him,” she snaps.

“You don’t like him,” Enzo says. “We get it. Trust me, we do.”

“I don’t like him?” Cami lets out a laugh so bitter that it gives me goose bumps. “I don’t just not like him, Enzo. I hate him. I wish he was dead.”

Five words. That’s all it takes for my world to stop. They take half a breath for Cami to say, but they play on repeat in my mind for an eternity.

I wish he was dead.

I wish you were dead.

“Jane?”

I hate you. Both of you. I wish you were dead.

“Chip?”

I’m never talking to you again.

“JD, you cool?”

You’re dead to me.

A rough shake interrupts the screaming in my mind, enough for me to I realize I’m trembling and taking unnaturally large gulps of air.

“What the hell, JD?”

Enzo gives me another shake, though not as forcefully this time. I see Cami and Ward both half raised out of their seats and staring at me in concern. I quickly turn aside, only to find Enzo’s eyes scanning my face as if he’s trying to judge my sanity.

I jerk away and jump out of my chair. I stumble backward a few steps, needing a moment before I can get my legs working properly. Then I tear off down the hallway without looking back at any of them. When I reach the bathroom, I slam the door shut and move straight over to the counter, where I brace my hands against it. It takes a few tries before I can summon Ward’s voice from last night, but when I manage it, he gives me exactly what I need.

“In … and out. And in … and out. Just like that.”

I’m not sure how long I stare down at my hands and focus on my breathing, but eventually I get myself under control and am able to look up at my reflection. My skin is so white it’s almost blue. My pupils are dilated, and my lips are quivering. Every muscle in my body is lined with tension. I can’t look anymore. Because the more I do, the more I see them.