What If It's Us(87)

“I love you too.”

We get going and we go slow. I want this to be the unforgettable experience Arthur has been dreaming of for who knows how long. And it’s a different kind of first time for me. Arthur is a completely different boy, and we’re in a completely different bed. This apartment isn’t home for either of us, but we’re home to each other, and that’s what makes every wall fall away so I only focus on him. I really want this to last as long as possible for him. No one starts a movie and immediately wants to see the credits rolling, so when this is over, I hope he looks back on this and considers it a win.

The pressure is getting to me. I can’t ruin this for him.

I snap out of it. It’s nonsense. Arthur and I have never done anything that’s perfect. Perfect for us, yeah. But not on paper. And I know his thoughts are extra busy with his own concerns, especially after some technical difficulties slow us down, and we get through everything together with patience and reassuring smiles.

I kiss him and I call him beautiful and I tell him I love him and we go on past that finish line.

We laugh and we catch our breaths and we peel stickers off each other.

No do-over needed.

Monday, August 6

My birthday—April 7—was the last time my group chat with Dylan, Harriett, and Hudson was active. I had sent out a text seeing if everyone wanted to meet up for lunch before Hudson took me to the concert. Harriett texted me and Hudson separately because she literally couldn’t stand the idea of her text bubble even being near Dylan’s, so the three of us grabbed breakfast. Dylan didn’t want any drama anyway, so I just met up with him at his place and he cooked me cauliflower tacos and we played video games, just the two of us. And then Hudson and I went off to do our own thing, and I couldn’t even vent about how disappointing a day it had been because his own spirits were really low from his parents’ divorce earlier that week. I really wish I would’ve been enough to unite everyone the way Arthur was able to do on his birthday, but that’s in the past now. Different times.

After I got home from hanging with Arthur last night, I resurrected the group chat. Just told everyone I wanted to meet up after class today to see if we could talk things out. I put it out into the universe—with a GIF of Puss in Boots begging with his huge glassy eyes. Dylan responded with a GIF of SpongeBob giving two thumbs up and said he’ll be there. An hour later Harriett responded with an “As you wish” GIF from The Princess Bride. And a few minutes after that, Hudson sent a GIF of Stewie Griffin bouncing around in anticipation.

The air was different in class this morning. No more weirdness. Like Hudson and Harriett are going to be my friends again and not just because they were the only people I could turn to after messing things up with Arthur, Dylan, and Samantha.

Everyone’s willingness was enough to make me feel super hopeful about everything in life until Mr. Hayes handed me back a quiz where I got a C-plus. I was so sure I was going to score an A-minus or a B-plus. The exam that determines everything is tomorrow—same day Arthur leaves. I just . . . I don’t have the hang of this, and I was ready to break down and cry, so I texted Arthur. We’re canceling our plans to run around the city so Arthur can be a Super Tourist, and he’s just going to help me study instead. I’d be surprised if we get any studying done—too many reasons to not keep our hands off each other and one big talk we need to have. One we’ve been avoiding.

But one big talk at a time.

When we get out of class, I keep the conversation about grades as we walk over to Dream & Bean. Harriett and Hudson fared better than me, as I knew they would. It’s weird how everything could fall back into place with our squad and Harriett, Hudson, and Dylan might be moving on to senior year without me. Graduating without me. Going to college without me. I’ll always be one year behind them in life.

I have to kick this test’s ass tomorrow.

We get to Dream & Bean, and Dylan is seated in a corner with four drinks and a box at his feet.

“These aren’t all for you, right?” I ask as I sit next to him.

Harriett sits across from me and Hudson across from Dylan.

“Peace offerings,” Dylan says. He gives me a pink lemonade, Hudson an iced mocha, and Harriett a cappuccino with caramel drizzle. “The barista drew a cat that you could’ve Instagrammed, but it got messed up.”

“Thought that counts. Thanks.” Harriett takes a sip. “So how are you feeling?”

“Been okay. Summer has been pretty slow. I did start seeing someone—”

“That’s wonderful, but I’m talking about you being admitted to the hospital,” Harriett interrupts. “Not your summer. You seem physically okay. What happened? Panic attack?”

“Yup. I’m okay.”

“Good,” Hudson says. “I wanted to text yesterday, but it didn’t feel like my place.”

“What do you mean?” Dylan asks.

“Ask him,” Hudson says, pointing at me.

“Because I didn’t let you go with me to the hospital? It didn’t make sense.”

“I have love for him too,” Hudson says. “He’s not just your friend.”

Dylan props his face into his hands. “Are you guys about to fight over me?”

I glare at Dylan. “I know you love him too. But you never even tried to be his friend after we broke up.”