What Happens Now(81)

Suddenly, Kendall said, “Hey, I have to go, a van just parked and a ton of people are climbing out. It’s like a clown car.”

We hung up, then I started unloading the packages and breaking down the boxes. There was something really satisfying in making them flat again, removing a whole dimension.

I poked my head out into the store. “I’m taking some boxes to the dumpster,” I said.

Richard flashed me a thumbs-up. Was there something different about his thumbs-up now? Less affectionate, more formal? Could be. Dammit.

I grabbed the stack of boxes and opened the door to the alley. Somehow I made my way through, my cheek against this wall of cardboard that blocked half my field of vision.

“Hey,” said a voice that made me jump. I lowered the boxes and there was Camden’s face.

“Are you lurking?” I asked.

“I knew you were at the store. I figured you’d come out eventually.”

“How long were you prepared to wait?”

Camden leaned his forearms on the cardboard, each hand touching one of my elbows.

“A while,” he said, with an intensity I’d never seen in him before.

I stared at him, drinking him in. I felt an ache.

“I’m grounded,” I said. “I’m not supposed to see any of you until further notice. Or forever. Whichever comes first, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.”

I found myself tearing up. “Things are really messed up right now, at home. But we’ll have to find a way to see each other, until the dust settles.”

He stared at me, then said, “Let me help you with these,” taking the boxes and walking over to the dumpster.

“I leave them leaning against the inside wall, so people can take them. People always take them.”

Camden nodded. After he put the boxes away, more slowly and delicately than seemed necessary, he walked back to me. I noticed he was not meeting my glance.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, swallowing hard.

Now he looked at me. “I’m going up to my mom’s.”

“Your mom’s.”

“In Vermont.”

“Vermont? The Vermont that’s like, four hours away?”

“Yes.”

“Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. But, like I told you. Lonely. I don’t want her to be lonely.”

Okay. Maybe a few days apart would be a good thing. A breather.

“How long are you staying?”

Camden simply shrugged. It was the most horrible shrug I’d ever seen.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Eliza came to see me this morning,” he said, as if that was remotely close to an answer. “She’s really upset. As bad as I’ve ever seen her. She wants me to break up with you.”

“I see.”

“Everything’s messed up. Who am I supposed to be loyal to here?” Camden drew in a sharp breath. “I’m terrified, Ari. I haven’t seen this kind of thing ever work out.”

He didn’t have to explain further. This kind of thing. It didn’t need a name, but it had one anyway: love.

“So you’re just going to run away?”

“Why not? I’ve seen my mother do this over and over again. When a relationship gets tough, she takes off.” He paused. “Well, first she makes a tapestry about it. Then she takes off.”

We were quiet and the reality of what he was saying hit me.

“Look,” he said after a few moments. “I’m coming back. At some point. But I need time to figure stuff out.”

“Everything’s messed up for me, too, Camden. Here. I can’t face it without you.”

He drew in a quick breath.

“Sure you can. You don’t need some f*ck-up like me. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

“Okay, maybe I can. But I’d rather not. Camden . . . I love you.”

Another sharp intake of breath, like I kept jabbing him.

“Don’t,” was all he said.

“Too late.”

“I’m not the guy from last summer. I’m not Azor Ray. Hell, I’m not even a youth hotline volunteer anymore. I quit that because clearly I can’t handle a real crisis. I’m not any of these people you think I am.”

“I only see who you are. Not who you’re not.”

He was quiet. “I see that, too. In you, I mean.”

Say you love me. Say you love me, and it’ll all be okay. You’ll see.

Instead, he said: “Maybe things will be different in a few weeks.”

No. No, no, no. “Summer will be over by then. And then, with school . . .”

Even saying the word school, even thinking about it, made me feel cold. Was he even going to come back to Dashwood?

I felt anger rise up in my chest. “I don’t understand you. All summer you’ve talked about breaking away from your mother’s way of life, and now you’re jumping into it when you don’t even have to.”

Camden’s eyes met mine. “But it feels like I have to.”

“Then fight that feeling! And while you’re at it, grow up. If you want to belong to something, you have to commit to it. You have to let it belong to you, too.”