What Happens Now(76)

Kendall’s smile disappeared. “You can’t avoid going home, Ari.”

“I know that. But I don’t want you to be alone.”

Kendall searched my face and then glanced quickly at the van. “But actually I do. Want to be alone. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

“If my parents haven’t killed me or taken away my phone.”

I hugged her tighter than she hugged me back, then watched her hurry into the house. When I turned back to the van, I saw that James had been watching her, too. There was an expression on his face that I could only describe as suffering, and I instantly knew there was more to this story.

“Where to, lady?” James asked me after I got back in the van. He’d regained his composure.

I finally forced myself to glance back at Camden and Max. Max was staring at Kendall’s house, where her bedroom light had just turned on. Camden was staring at me, a thousand questions in his eyes.

“I’d like to go to the Barn,” I said.

Camden nodded, and James made the van move again.

In my message to my parents, I said I’d be home by eleven. We’d left the SuperCon two hours early, and now it was only a little past nine. That gave me almost two hours before I had to face their music.

But first, I had to face Camden.

The front steps felt rigid, unwelcoming as I climbed them. The porch light was off and there were many more shadows than usual.

I followed Camden inside. “Be right back,” he mumbled, then went straight upstairs.

I went into the bathroom, pulled a T-shirt and jeans out of my backpack. Taking off Satina’s uniform in the same place I had first put it on, that felt important. I knew I’d never wear it again.

When I came out, everything was still dark and too quiet. What was the Barn without Eliza in her captain’s chair at the big table, Max’s oversize figure filling up all this empty space? The banter and the chatter of a very different, truly wonderful kind of family: one that had chosen itself.

I opened the sliding glass door to the patio and stepped out into the night. So strange, that it had been right here, not long ago—that moment at his party with all of us dancing and the air thick with unfiltered Possible.

“Hey,” said Camden behind me. His voice was strained, tired. He’d changed, too, into shorts and a T-shirt. He looked wrong and it took me a few seconds to figure out why.

“You’re not wearing a button-down,” I said.

He surveyed himself. “They were an experiment.”

“I thought they were your thing.”

“Really?” He seemed genuinely surprised, but not flattered. “I didn’t feel that. I tried them because I thought somehow they’d make me feel more normal. Mainstream. But that was really a form of cosplay, too.”

I stepped close to him. Every time he opened up a secret like this, it drew me that much nearer.

“I liked the button-downs,” I said, and touched his arm where the sleeve of the T-shirt stopped at the curve of his bicep. “But I like this just as much.”

His skin tensed where I touched it. I looked up to see his jaw tightening.

“Tell me,” he said. “Tell me why you did that to Eliza.”

“Did you see what she did to Kendall?”

“Yes.”

“Kendall was scared. I reacted.”

“No kidding.” His voice was icy now.

“That’s not me. You know that’s not me.”

“Do I?” He searched my face. “Based on that, I’m not sure who you are. Not the person I thought, for sure.”

I felt a burst of heat on my neck, the back of my ears. “Well, then. That makes us even, doesn’t it?”

He considered that, and his shoulders slumped. Everything about him softened. He sank down onto the patio sofa.

“Yes, it does,” he said.

“You know why Eliza did what she did, right?”

Camden nodded. “I heard what she said to Kendall.”

“So is Max still the person you thought he was? Aren’t you mad at him?”

“A little, but he made a mistake. Aren’t you mad at Kendall?”

“What you just said.” I moved to stand facing him, my knees touching his bent ones. “I made a mistake, too. Look, I’ve never touched anyone like that in my life. If I could undo it, I would.” I would, wouldn’t I? “Camden, I don’t know what else to say. It happened. But everyone’s okay and it won’t ever happen again.”

Camden grabbed his forehead with both hands.

“Everyone is not okay,” he said. “Eliza’s been through a lot. I’m not making excuses for the way she treats people, but what you did . . . to someone else it might be no big deal. To her . . . it might be.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “You know I had no idea.”

He gazed at the sky and took a deep breath. “We all survive things, but what she’s survived is a little more intense than the rest of us. Also, she means a lot to me. She helped me put together a group of friends when I first got to school. She gave me the closest thing to the life I wanted, and she also gave me Silver Arrow. Then when I met you and we were all spending time together . . . that got me even closer to that life. But now it’s ruined.”