Undone(2)

‘Nope.’

‘What about that Jasmine girl you used to talk about?’

‘What about her? She’s so boring. All she talks about is horses and hair, and it’s not like her hair’s even that nice. It’s so long it makes me feel a bit sick.’

Mum reached over and tugged at a stray lock of my hair. It was way too short – not a good look for me, but I didn’t care back then. It was practical. ‘There’s nothing wrong with long hair. Louise’s hair is lovely, don’t you think? You know . . . I think you’d look really pretty if you let yours grow out a bit.’

I stuck out my bottom lip and crossed my arms over my chest. ‘You mean I don’t look pretty now?’

Mum managed to raise an eyebrow at me without taking her eyes off the road. ‘You, my dear, are the prettiest girl in the world. You just don’t know it yet.’

A week before my thirteenth birthday (four days before his thirteenth birthday), I asked Kai if he thought I was pretty. I’d wanted to ask him for the longest time, but I’d always chickened out at the last minute. I was worried he’d make fun of me.

We were lying on his bed watching a DVD. He sat up and made me do the same. Then he held his hands up as if to frame my face. He told me to look straight at him and not smile, so obviously I couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Stop that! This is a serious question and it needs a serious answer!’ He narrowed his eyes and nodded slowly.

‘Just answer the question, you idiot!’ I pulled a face that was anything but pretty and I waited . . . and waited.

‘OK, I have deduced the following . . . you have impressively symmetrical features. Your skin is clear and looks healthy even though you hardly ever go outside. Your eyes are pretty. Your nose is a very fine example of the genre. Your hair is . . . well, the less said about that the better. Your lips are a perfect medium and your teeth are reasonably straight. In conclusion I’d say that, yes, you are pretty. Congratulations.’

I grabbed a pillow and walloped Kai across the face with it. ‘Thanks for that, Einstein! I wasn’t expecting you to be so . . . scientific about it!’

Kai laughed and said, ‘I thought you’d appreciate a bit of objectivity.’ (Kai was always using long words.)

I wouldn’t meet his eye and I was suddenly burning up with embarrassment. ‘Jem? What’s up? I said you’re pretty! You should be pleased . . . Is it the hair thing? Look, I’m sorry I said anything. Your hair’s fine. Really. Honestly. Have I ever lied to you?’

‘I don’t know . . . have you?’

‘No! Never!’

I should have stopped there to spare us both any further embarrassment. But I didn’t.

‘OK then, tell me truthfully – do you think I’m pretty?’ I still couldn’t bear to look at him.

‘I said so, didn’t I?’ His voice was soft.

‘Not exactly.’

‘I think you’re beautiful, Jemima Halliday.’

I had to look to check he wasn’t making fun of me. His face was serious and I took this as a positive sign. ‘Would you like to kiss me?’ I must have been feeling particularly brave that day.

I’m not sure what kind of reaction I was expecting, but it wasn’t hysterical laughter. He stopped laughing when he saw the look on my face. ‘What’s so funny?’

‘Sorry. It’s just . . . I thought you knew.’ He was sort of wincing now.

‘Knew what?’ I had no idea what he was talking about.

‘That I’m gay.’

I’d had no clue whatsoever. The thought had never ever crossed my mind. Very-nearly-thirteen-year-old boys were not gay. There were gay men on the telly and stuff, but they were grown-up men. The only gay man I knew in real life was a random cousin of Dad’s, and I’d only met him once. He danced with me at a family wedding, twirling me around the dance floor until I nearly puked. Then he danced with his ridiculously good-looking boyfriend, which was the first time I’d ever seen two men dance together.

I tried to act cool with Kai, like people telling me they’re gay was an everyday occurrence. I shrugged and said, ‘Oh yeah, I totally knew. I was just messing around.’ I could tell Kai wasn’t buying it, but he let me off because that’s the kind of person he was.

So my crazy dream of marrying Kai went straight out the window. But I never lost the certainty that he was the perfect boy. The perfect boy for me anyway. I just tried not to think about it, because it made me ache inside.

Only four people knew about Kai being gay. His parents knew and were totally cool with it. I knew and was totally mixed up about it. Then Louise found out and was very definitely totally not cool with it.

I was never quite sure how Louise found out; Kai refused to tell me. But things changed between the three of us almost instantly. She didn’t follow us around like a little lost puppy any more. And although I’d always acted like her constant attention annoyed me, I actually missed it. I could tell Kai did too, but he didn’t like to talk about it.

I only realized Louise wasn’t OK with the whole gay thing when she caught me and Kai ogling some shirtless guy on the Internet one day (Kai was doing most of the ogling, I was merely agreeing with everything he said). She rolled her eyes and made a sound in her throat that could only be interpreted as one thing: disgust.