Twelve Steps to Normal(54)

I don’t say anything. We both know it’s true.

“Grams was always so good to us. If she were still here, she’d—”

“—have a few choice words for you.”

He laughs. “Yes, that’s true.” He glances over at me. “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want.”

I know it makes him sad, but he’s trying. Maybe I can try a little harder, too.

My lips curve into a smile. “Are you sure we don’t have to taco ’bout it?”

He grins. “We can guac about it another time.”

I snort. “That was awful. It doesn’t even make sense.”

But he’s still smiling, the gesture showcasing the tiny wrinkles around his eyes. I know he’s still struggling, but we’re different now. Somehow I know we won’t ever move back in time to when I’d keep his secrets when he drank far too much.

Trust. That’s what I want most with my dad. There aren’t any excuses for his addiction, but I try and think of Grams’s loss from his perspective. Not only had he lost his mother, but he also lost the only other person who helped raise me. He was truly on his own.

Only, he wasn’t. He had me. Has me.

I think of the others—Saylor and Nonnie and Peach. I remember what I overheard the other night, how Nonnie was helping my dad. I know he’s making an effort to turn things around, so shouldn’t I accept that they’re trying to do the same?

I picture my twelve-steps list sitting on the corner of my desk. I still want them gone, but I can’t deny that they encourage and support each other. And aren’t those the kind of people I should want my dad to be around?

I’m the world’s biggest hypocrite. Because I know the answer, but it’s not the one I want.





Colton forgot to mention that his band is playing around the same time the football game ends on Friday, but because we suffer an embarrassingly big loss, Raegan, Lin, and I are able to book it out of there as soon as it ends. Luckily the venue is a few miles from the stadium, so once we ditch our uniforms for more appropriate going-out attire (a button-down skirt and black halter top, in my case) we hit the road.

My dad said I could go as long as I’m back by midnight, which is fair. After our journey to Lucky’s last night, it feels like we’ve fallen back into familiar territory.

“I can’t stay long,” Raegan says, tapping her bright-red fingernails on her steering wheel. “I have so much work to do for Spirit Week.”

“That’s fine,” I say as Lin texts someone from the backseat. They’re coming with me because this is a big deal for Colton, but I’m also secretly pleased to get to hang with them outside of school.

Whitney and Jay ditched out and decided to go see a movie instead. I hate that it bothers me more than it should.

The venue is a divey little place called the Pit that’s squished between a liquor store and a twenty-four-hour laundromat in downtown Keegris—a bigger city close to Cedarville. They’re already playing by the time we walk inside. It’s very dark, lit only by the red-and-blue lighting coming from the exceptionally small stage, where the drum kit takes up most of the space on the checkered floor. There’s a humid smell of too many bodies packed into one place mixed with cigarette smoke, but when I spot Colton stage left with his guitar, he grins like he’s headlining Madison Square Garden.

And, honestly, his band isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

They’re in no way the best, but they manage to stay somewhat on beat. The singer has a pretty decent range, too.

“Wow. It’s loud,” Raegan says as we shove our way forward.

Lin snorts. “What’d you expect, a symphony?”

Lin and I bob our heads to the rhythmic chugging and wailing of the guitars. Raegan eventually gives in and attempts to enjoy it. When they announce the last song, we have a contest to see who can headbang the longest. Surprisingly, Raegan wins.

After Colton churns out the last note, the singer grabs his mic and proclaims, “We are A Feast of Blood and Gore—good night!”

Lin raises an eyebrow. “What a name.”

“Truly,” I agree.

“He was good, right?” Raegan says, then looks around. “I’m going to grab some water.”

“I’ll go with you,” I say.

“Bathroom,” Lin says, then gestures in the opposite direction. “I’ll catch up.”

We part ways, then head to the tiny beverage station and order our waters. As we wait, I turn to Raegan.

“Hey, um, don’t take this the wrong way,” I begin, using this as my opportunity to be a better friend. She’s been so busy with schoolwork and presidential projects leading up to homecoming that I haven’t really had a chance to talk to her. “But are you okay? I’ve noticed you’ve taken on a lot this year.”

Raegan smiles, but I can see the tiredness in her eyes. “I know I have. It’s just—” She pauses for a moment. “Did you know my mom never went to college?”

“She didn’t?”

“No, and neither did my grandma. Just my dad. So I’ll be the first female in my family to go. And it’s not that I’m worried that I’ll get in, because duh. I’m bound to get in somewhere.”