Twelve Steps to Normal(38)

“Sometimes life throws us balls and forgets to hand us a bat.” She’s quiet for a moment. “You miss her. That’s completely natural, you know.”

I don’t say anything, afraid of the emotions that might come flooding out. I remember my list and how I’d committed to learn how to be a family with her gone, but it’s difficult to do when the memories of her hang in every corner of the house.

“It’s hard. Experiencing loss in one form or another.” Nonnie runs her hands over her slacks. I stare at her chunky collection of turquoise rings—one on every finger. “But it’s the way you handle it that reveals the type of person you are.”

I shrug, unsure of what type of person that makes me.

After a pause she asks, “Do you know why I left New York?”

I assume she thinks my dad has told me, but he hasn’t. I shake my head.

“My husband left me for another woman. Nearly twenty-five years ago. Rayanne Summers—even her name was prettier than mine.”

I pick at my thumbnail. I thought losing Jay to Whitney was hard, but I can’t imagine how it would feel to have a marriage end because your husband wanted to be with someone else.

“I’m sorry.”

Nonnie’s eyes brighten. “I’m not.”

I’m confused. “You’re not?”

“Having Charles leave me was the best thing that happened to me,” she says. “Oh, it was hard. And it hurt. It hurt because I still loved him, and those feelings were terrible to try and process.”

I nod, picking at my pinky nail.

“But one night, when I was trying to get back to Brooklyn, Freddie Mercury stepped right into my subway car.”

I snort. There’s no way I believe that. I sincerely doubt Freddie Mercury would take New York public transportation.

Nonnie smiles at my disbelief. “Of course, it wasn’t the real Freddie Mercury. Only an impersonator. There are a lot of people who’ll entertain you on your route home for tips.” She waves a hand dismissively in the air. “But he had a speaker, and I listened as he lip-synched ‘Don’t Stop Me Now.’ It was silly, but considering what I’d gone through it was also quite empowering. I gave him every cent in my wallet for his Queen CD.”

I feel the question erupt before I can stop it. “Why?”

She pauses for a moment. “I married very young. I’m not sure if I had myself figured out. And although I loved Charlie, he’d held me back in a lot of ways. He was always more conservative in his mannerisms and in the way he dressed. I thought respectable attire and droll conversations were all a part of my journey into adulthood.” Wallis comes and rests his chin on her leg, and she gives his head a few gentle strokes. “It turns out that’s not the way it works. You have to be true to yourself. That’s what the faux Freddie reminded me of that night.”

I glance at Nonnie. I assumed her flamboyancy and ridiculously bright clothing were for attention, but now I’m not so sure.

“And when people stare at me or ask me why I wear the things I wear, do you know what I tell them?”

“To shove off?”

Nonnie cackles with laughter. “No, no. I tell them, ‘dullness is a disease.’ You know who said that?”

I take a wild guess. “Freddie Mercury?”

“Exactly.” She grins. “I lost Charlie, but I spent more time becoming the woman I wanted to become.” She adjusts her turquoise frames. “Now, there were mistakes I made along the way—I never intended on ending up at Sober Living—but that’s all a part of life. You always have to forgive your own mistakes. Otherwise they’ll eat you alive.”

We sit in silence for a moment, but my mind is elsewhere. I’m transported back to Merciful Heart, where I was begging to see Grams, but my dad said no, that I don’t want to remember her in her unconscious state while the doctors did everything they could to help her heart. It would only upset me, he said. And like I did that day when Grams told me I couldn’t have a puppy, I repeated those same words to him.

I hate you.

He said he was sorry. He said it over and over, but it didn’t matter. What mattered is the only mother I’d ever had was gone.

“‘See you later,’” I say aloud. “That was the last thing I said to her. To Grams. I was running late for school. I don’t even remember what she said back.”

Nonnie lets this sink in. “You’ve been through a lot, losing your grandmother, losing trust in your father… but you’re still here.”

I stare down at my yellow throw rug. “It wasn’t my decision.”

“But you’re here, aren’t you? Working hard in school, giving your dad another chance. That makes you the strong one.”

A swollen sadness spreads through my chest, filling the hollowness within me. Tears sting behind my eyes. I never thought of myself as strong. That word was always reserved for other people: Raegan’s go-getter strength, Grams’s unconditional support. Never for me.

I wipe away my tears before they can fall. Nonnie pretends not to notice. I silently thank her for that.

“The pictures,” I say. “You don’t have to take them down.”

Nonnie rests her cool hand over my own. “I wasn’t going to.”