Thin Love (Thin Love, #1)(75)
Why would he do this? He has talent, he has options. Why is he throwing everything away?
So many questions ran through her mind and Keira decided only one would suffice. It would at least be a beginning. “Why?”
Kona picked up his jersey, fiddled with the straps on his pads. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”
“Oh, I want the answers, Kona. You will give them to me.” She stood in front of him, not caring how her voice carried, or how the taunt of fury came out with each word. And then Keira kicked the pads off the bench. “I want to know why you’re so eager to throw your life away, to kill yourself.”
“That’s not going to happen. What I use is top of the line and I cycle carefully. I know what I’m doing.” When her frown only dipped deeper, Kona glanced at her, nostrils wide as he took in several deep breaths before he shook his head at her. “You don’t know anything about it.”
“Liver tumors, internal bleeding and a condition called peliosis hepatis, which will make your favorite pastime a little tricky considering most women wouldn’t be down for contracting Hep. God knows I wouldn’t.” There was something in the glare he gave her; it wasn’t pure anger, wasn’t completely cold and Keira recognized it. That was the same expression he wore anytime she tried convincing him she knew what size engine he’d put in his Camaro or how long she could hold her breath underwater. That was Kona doubting her.
“Senior year, Cameron Walsh, fastest runner in the school had a heart attack. He was seventeen, Kona. He’d been on juice since freshman year. He wanted to be an Olympian by the time he was twenty-five and instead ended up in the morgue. Coach made us visit former users who could barely get out of their chairs by themselves because their bones were too brittle to work anymore.”
“That’s not gonna happen to me.”
That’s what all those old juice heads had told her too. “I didn’t think it would get me. I thought I was invincible.” Kona never thought anything would touch him, most kids their age did and Keira had seen it herself in how fast he drove his Camaro and how reckless he was playing pick-up games with Nathan and Luka. He always played like every game was his last. He always lived like he knew tomorrow wouldn’t be waiting for him.
Keira wasn’t so confident, was often worried about how fast and easy Kona liked to live and she knew she’d never get through to him. “Your balls will shrivel up and you’ll probably never be able to father children.” An image of Kona old and lonely flashed into her mind, body frail, skin covered in acne scars. It scared her even more. It also made her want to slap him. “But then I guess that would make your first years in the NFL pretty exciting, right? Not having to worry about a string of baby mamas. That is, of course, if you can even get your dick hard.”
“Keira… stop… don’t…”
“Shrunken testicles. Not very attractive from what I hear.” She stepped back when he reached for her, knowing if he touched her, she wouldn’t be able to hold her fists. “But wait, you won’t have to worry about any of that. They don’t take users in the NFL and they drug test any incoming draftee. In fact, so does CPU.” Head tilted as she stared at him, Keira could see Kona hiding, eyes on the jersey in his hand. “How are you getting past that?” His eye flicked to the door and she understood. “Your brother is a good person.”
“I know that.”
“He’s a better man than you are.”
Kona kicked his shoulder pads, sending them flying across the locker room. “I f*cking know that!”
She had to push back that ridiculous desire that rose up at his rage. This was different. This wasn’t them fighting out of jealousy or lust. Her fury at his stupidity was sticking and sharp and despite the undercurrent of wanting him, of fueling his already burning anger, Keira was too disgusted, too disappointed to acknowledge what her body wanted. She watched Kona’s trembling hands, the unrestrained way he released breaths through gritted teeth and she still could not stop herself from asking questions. “So answer me. I want to know why.”
“It doesn’t matter why.”
“It matters to me you greedy son of a bitch!” That small thread of patience, of resistance, snapped quickly and Keira swung, hoping her palm would leave a mark, hoping he could feel her slap despite all the dulling chemicals coursing through his veins. But Kona’s reflexes were heightened, and his response was swift. He grabbed Keira’s arms, jerked her against his chest and tried to kiss her. In the middle of this devastation, Kona tried to kiss her.
She jerked free of his touch and pushed herself away, raising a hand when Kona immediately rushed toward her. “No. Don’t you dare.” Keira wondered how much time they had. The game would start soon and someone would come to fetch Kona and Luka, but she had to know. She was desperate to know why this beautiful, pigheaded giant would gamble his future, his life, on something so common and clichéd. “You tell me now.” She pointed her finger at him and Kona’s gaze moved right to that naked nail. “You tell me why you do this shit.”
“Because I need it. This Keira,” he said, slapping his bare chest, growling when she stepped away from him, “this is all I am. Bone and muscle and speed. This.” His fist on his chest, hard, stinging and Keira noticed the bright red mark on his tan skin. “This is all I am! I’m not smart, Keira. I need it. It’s what they expect of me. Be strong, Kona. Be fast. Be more, train harder, work, work until you can’t breathe.”