Thick Love (Thin Love, #2)(82)
“Anything, anything you want.” I drove in deeper, watching my dick sliding in and out of her, working my stomach muscles, my thighs until they ached, loving how drunk the sensations around me had me feeling. That sweet, tight body, the sweat, the sounds of us slapping together, it all left me stunned and sated and so damn eager to finish, helpless because I never wanted it to stop.
That’s when the memories shuffled sideways into the sensation like a specter sneaking behind shadows to keep hidden. They wanted to strike, to leak into my thoughts at the right moment. And they did. My defenses were down, and they saw how I was a little blind, a little numb to what was happening around me, all except for Aly open to me. They snuck in when I wasn’t expecting them, as I moved inside Aly—beautiful, sweet Aly who cared what happened to me, who had cared for years, Aly who loved my family, who they loved, whose heart I was petrified of breaking—and suddenly it was the memory that crippled me. It was Emily’s memory, her body, her heart that I could not stop seeing.
It was her name I called out as I came.
“Em…oh God…”
There was no sound then. No sweet thrust of our bodies because she had stopped moving. Because I had the second I closed my mouth. The name was out there, right in the room with us and I felt the hush of silence and wanted it to end. Empty. That’s what I felt. That was the sensation that blanketed over me, had my orgasm stopping when Aly pushed me away. There was shock, rage on her face, in the dip of her mouth and that bright shine in her eyes.
Hurt and heartache right there in her features and I put them both there.
“Aly…”
“Non,” she said, shuffling off the bed before I could reach her. “Just…no.”
What the hell did I just do?
She was covering herself, hiding from me, pulling on her t-shirt, stepping into her shorts before I left the bed. Aly headed for the bathroom. I knew what she wanted. Distance, separation from me and I didn’t blame her. But my legs would not stop moving, my hands wouldn’t lower from her arms. My hands would not keep away from her face even when she struggled against me, even when she cried out. “Don’t touch me! Non. No, Ransom!”
I wasn’t hurting her, I knew that. I knew it. If Aly wanted, I’d be disabled with a knee to my balls. But the moment was heavy with tension, with sadness and hate and bitterness and not all of it came from me. Not all of it was solely internal. She was hating herself too.
“Aly, please, please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say…”
“Shut up. Just…please… lage’m, let go of me, Ransom…”
But I couldn’t, not when I needed her. Not when I was desperate for her not to hate me.
“Please,” I told her, pinning her to the wall, keeping her shaking head still with my palms on her cheeks and my forehead against hers. “I am so sorry. I was with you, Aly, I promise. I was only with you. I wanted you. Just you.”
She stopped struggling, but the tears came anyway and when Aly closed her eyes, when her chin wobbled and her nostrils flared as she fought to keep herself from sobbing, I took her against my chest, my skin wet, my fingers tight in her hair.
“It will always be like this, won’t it?” I closed my eyes at her question, wishing she didn’t need to ask it.
“I don’t know.” She stiffened in my arms and my stomach got tight. I didn’t want her pushing away from me, giving up before anything real could begin. “I’m sorry, Aly. I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want to…”
I felt her nod, a small gesture meant to shut me up. “Ransom,” she started, stepping away from my body. “Have you…have you told anyone about this? About what you’ve been feeling?”
“I don’t do that, Aly.” It was honest. That wasn’t something I deserved. The pain, all of it, it was mine to bear. I created it, I would carry it. My embarrassment, my shame at calling out Emily’s name wouldn’t let me step away from Aly and I didn’t, though I could guess where she was going with her question. “I never have. Music, football, those are my only releases.”
“But you said you hadn’t played in a while and you play football for a free ride to college, right?”
There were still tears clinging to her lashes and I let them distract me, rubbed them away with the pad of my thumb. “Basically.”
“Ransom.” Aly held my hand, pulling my fingers from her face so I would look at her. “Do you want to try this with me? Really try?”
No matter what I’d said, how I’d acted in the past, my body and brain hadn’t let me stay clear of Aly. I wanted her. “More than anything,” I told her, kissing her before she could refuse me again. “More than any damn thing.”
She nodded, holding my face away from her when I tried to touch her again. It was her eyes though that kept me still. They had returned to green hazel and were bright, a little tired, but still alight, searching my face. Whatever Aly hoped to find in my expression, I prayed it would calm her, would have her heart softened, her forgiveness pouring over me.
“Then you’re going to have to talk to me.” When I stiffened, a little panicked, a little anxious, Aly grabbed my arm, keeping me still. “I’m not going to share you with a ghost. You have to tell me everything.”