The Truth About Keeping Secrets(77)

‘What about your mom?’

She started crying again. ‘She didn’t know either. Can you believe it? She didn’t even know. She loved him. And I didn’t want to tell her because – I didn’t want her to worry, and my dad – he, a lot of the same stuff and I –’

‘Why didn’t you just end it?’

June swallowed hard. ‘I was so scared of what that meant. I had it in my head, like, I just had to make it until the summer. I would think that every single morning. Wait until the summer. Because then we’d break up, he’d be at Yale, or whatever … In retrospect, yeah, I’m not sure that was the best thing to do. I’m not sure. I’m sorry. I should have told you everything. And I think I, like, hate myself for that. It’s just, when you’re in it, it’s like – it’s like you can’t even see yourself without it. At that point, he was this gangrene-ridden limb I didn’t have the luxury of lopping off. I was petrified. And you helped me forget. About all of it.’

I shifted my weight, the bed creaking beneath me. ‘Is that why you started being … I don’t know, you were kind of … cold.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘It honestly … kills me to think that you could have thought … ugh. I was always scared he was watching. I thought maybe if I acted like that, I’d start to believe that was actually how I felt, and I wouldn’t have had to worry about you or this any more.’

‘But then … Spring Fling?’

June nodded, understanding what I was asking. ‘Heath had changed his mind at the last minute. Decided that we wouldn’t be going. That appearances were less important than keeping me away from you. And I was so mad, I – we were at his place, and all I could think was that it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I had to live like this. He’d already taken most of my teenage years, and then you came, and you were someone that actually made me happy – and now we couldn’t even have that. It all just came to a head. I managed to leave as soon as I could, like, with the dance almost over so he wouldn’t be suspicious, and I was so worried I wouldn’t make it, but I did and … dude, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did that.’

‘Why? No, it –’

‘I made you uncomfortable. I know I did.’

I shook my head. ‘It wasn’t you. Just … I knew it was wrong. I knew something was wrong and that tainted the whole thing.’

‘He found out I went.’

‘How?’

June swallowed. ‘He was tracking my phone.’

‘Yeah, he was texting me.’

‘Of course he fucking was. Afterwards, he forced me to make that horrible phone call. I felt awful. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more awful. He said he’d hurt you. He said he’d hurt you if I ever spoke to you again.’

‘So then … why tonight? What happened?’

‘I ended it. For good. And he knew I was serious. He knew I was so done, so completely, entirely done, and he knew I had you, but he convinced me to – I’m so sorry, I didn’t know he was going to try to get you too, and I would have said something but I was so afraid he’d hurt you.’

I shook my head. ‘Don’t worry. It’s OK.’ I looked at her and smirked. ‘In one piece.’

That made her cry.

‘Oh God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –’

She smiled. ‘No. It’s just … thank you.’

‘For what?’

‘I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t done what you did. I just don’t know. That’s what I was most afraid of. At the time, yeah, the immediate threat of what was happening was terrifying, but it was the thought of what could’ve happened that scared me more. What could have happened if I hadn’t ended it. If we hadn’t met. I don’t know. Maybe we’re still in shock. But honestly, I just feel kind of happy. I’m happy that we’re OK. And I’m happy that I’m here with you right now.’ June repositioned herself, nestled in the crook of my arm, the weight of her welcome and comforting. Aerially, it must have looked silly because of how much taller she was than me, but lying there, feeling it, having it happen – it didn’t feel silly at all. I felt myself stiffen, then relax. Put my arm round her neck and rested my hand on her bicep.

She was here. I was here. We were OK.

But I wasn’t finished. ‘Did you talk to that police officer?’

She nodded. ‘Mhm.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘Anything. Whatever I could.’

‘And what did he tell you?’

‘That they couldn’t do shit.’

‘Same.’

She sighed, loud and long. ‘It’s such bullshit. There’s no proof. Can you believe it? There’s no proof of anything.’

‘Heath took your folder. Right?’

‘He said he burned it.’

I swore. ‘I was taking a video. In the car. Heath hadn’t seen but while I was trying to help you … Fuck. He smashed my phone. I don’t get it. How can the police do nothing? Like, bare minimum, that was reckless fucking driving. Right? How can nothing happen?’

‘His dad’s gotten him out of worse.’